I'm having problems with my ex since the divorce. My ex has some kinda anger problem whenever I talk to him. I know he hates me, thats fine, i'm used to it. but why would he put his kids the middle of all this. My son is 12, his life has made some changes. He attends church and fellowship gatherings. He just want to do the things he enjoys. But my ex doesnt believe it, he thinks I'm trying to take them away from him. It doesnt matter what my son say to him, he wants his way. Does anyone know where I can get help? what if he doesnt want to talk, is there someone who will make him? my son is miserable, he doesn't like to see his dad get mad, nor does he want to stop doing what he likes. I'm in San Francisco. Thanks!

I'm afraid I don't fully understand. What is it that your ex wants, that your son being involved in such things keeps from happening? Is your son missing visitation because of these things?
Have you considered looking into family counseling?
If it ends up back in court for visitation issues, I suppose a mediator might be able to help come to some better agreements.

Maybe your EX is having a hard time with things after the divorce. I don't think there is much you can do but suggest he seeks help and maybe have your son in counciling if it is affecting him badly.

How long has it been since the divorce was finalized?

its been over 7 yrs since we divorced. I dont see him much, nor speak to him directly. My son is mainly the one who helps me to deliver my message to him, only for minor things. Anything beyond, I would either ask someone or write him a letter.

The point of all this is, my ex believes I'm controlling my kids from seeing him. There were a few times that my kids didnt spend time with him, not because I told them to. Either they were sick, or they just have their own plans. And when they dont wanna see him on his scheduled visitation day, he would be very mad and put all the blame on me. Do you think kids of 12 and 8 have the rights to make their decision not to see their dad? I'm not saying they want to stop seeing him, just on some occasion. thx

sf_mom,

I can understand not wanting to talk to your EX. I don't like to speak to mine at all.

7 years.... I guess he should be used to it by now. Perhaps he feels the bond between his children is deminishing and needs to put blame on you.

I don't know what CA laws are however, I don't think 12 and 8 yr olds can make the decision yet. If it's his turn, he gets them sick or cranky or if the children have an event or party to go to on his time, it would be at his discretion. Of course, you could switch visitation times or change the arrangements verbally... works out great if two parties agree.

I was able to have more control over visitation if my EX is intoxicated or drinks alcohol in front of our children.

I would definitely try to get this resolved before he has evidence of contempt. some court will grant the other parent more visitation or custody rights.

Tess is right about this.
To be honest here....if there is a planned visitation day they should go. They aren't of age yet to legally make that decision. If he decided to take it back to court you could be found in contempt.

ok thanks for your advices. Another thing I've always wondered. On our agreement when we signed the papers, he had 5% of visitation. Does it mean 5% of a year? a month? a week? One day he was angry at the door and said something about he didnt get enough. The kids see him on sunday from 11-6pm. On special occasion, they come home before 9pm. To be exact, I do not control what time they come home. I just prefer they come home not too late, when they have school the next day. So I wonder, am I being picky on him?

5% is a pretty vague visitation order...and more than likely just a percentage that is being used to determine child support. A "real" visitation order should state specifically....which days, time frames....for example every other weekend with pickup time and dropoff time, and alternating holidays....2 weeks during summer vacation type things. If it only states 5% I would consider having a new visitation order with more specifics that would greatly reduce the problems going on. You can try to come up with whatever agreement as to days/times etc. between you and him.

State "standard"

quote:

How California determines child visitation:

Generally, parents are free to visit with their children at all times that are mutually agreed to by both parents. However, when parents cannot agree, the standard visitation schedule is:

* every other weekend
* four to six (4-6) weeks during the summer
* alternating holidays

Hi Don,
Those were good tips. Now, I know what to expect, if I want to put this documented. When we filed for divorce, my ex only cares about his freedom more than how much time he can see the kids. The 5% was suggested by my lawyer. I think its better to get this done on files. Thank you so much for your help!