This also cracks me up.

That is AWESOME!!!

I once read an add in the job section of the Boston Globe: IT READ...

CERTIFIABLE teachers wanted

Don't we have to be a bit "certifiable"/"crazy" to want to be teachers to begin with...LMAO!!!

Good one!

Very funny

On Colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And ....

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Boy do I know how she feels..... :P

Reuters updated 8:57 a.m. ET, Thurs., April. 3, 2008

BELGRADE, Serbia - A Serb farmer used a grinding machine to cut in half his farm tools and machines to comply with a court ruling that he must share all his property with his ex-wife, local media reported on Thursday.

Branko Zivkov, 76, told Belgrade daily Kurir he had been ready to give his wife Vukadinka her equal share of everything earned during their 45-year marriage, but was furious at being asked to give away half his farming equipment.

Instead, he bought a grinder and cut in two all his tools.

The halved equipment included large items such as cattle scales, a harrow and a sowing machine.

"I still haven't decided how to split the cow," he told the newspaper. "She should just say what she wants -- the part with the horns or the part with the tail."

Priceless

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...........On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former ****.
New-Age........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....................No B.J.'s
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing...............Loud and embarrassing.
Professional........................Bitch.
Voluptuous......... ................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
We need to talk...............You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Do what you want.........You will pay for this later
I am not upset.........Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight..... Is *** all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you.............................Let's have *** now
I am bored.....................Do you want to have ***?
May I have this dance?....... I'd like to have *** with you.
Can I call you sometime?......I'd like to have *** with you.
Can I take you to a movie?...I'd like to have *** with you.
Can I take you to dinner?......I'd like to have *** with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay

quote:

Originally posted by LolaO:

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you.............................Let's have *** now
I am bored.....................Do you want to have ***?
May I have this dance?....... I'd like to have *** with you.
Can I call you sometime?......I'd like to have *** with you.
Can I take you to a movie?...I'd like to have *** with you.
Can I take you to dinner?......I'd like to have *** with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay

I'd have to say on the whole that's pretty accurate....but..sometimes those shoe's ...just..uh uh ...not even Tyra could pull that off, sister.

LOL! I needed that!

...I really needed to look in on this thread today.

Since I'm from Nebraska...

LMFAO

That's cute! What'd you use to make it?