My husband (soon to be ex) left a couple of weeks ago. My 14 year old blames all his recent bad behavior on our split. I know he's angry at the situation, but he won't open up. He is now disrespectful at school and refuses to do his homework. He says he is mad and just can't behave. I don't know if this is just an excuse so I don't hound him about his behavior (which seems to be a daily battle)..or he's trying to make me feel sorry for him and bring Dad back. He's been on a visit with Dad last week, but his behavior hasn't changed. His dad is supportive and will talk when he's around.

How can I get him to "open" up to someone? I told him I would get him a counselor, but he said they would only waste his time. He says he need to deal with this but doesn't know how.

Hi cmm,
My daughter went through a quite a bit of this when I split from her dad. Unlike you I did not have the support. While my daughter is/was somewhat younger than your son, I talked very frankly with her. I explained to her that our split was in no way her fault (they all think that) and under no surcumsatnces would I tolerate rude, blatant disrespectful behavior. I did say to her I understood she was sad and angry and very confused and she had a right to those feelings. I however could not help her get through them if she would not let me help her. I am so very happy you have support from your ex. It will help. Let me tell you though ... his behavior is a way to get the 2 of you talking on common ground. Make it very clear to him while both of you are his parents (and always will be) the relationship as he knew it is over. My daughters counselor told her she has lost what is normal to her and she has to find a "new normal". Let him know you both would rather come together to celebrate his successes rather than his misbehavior or shortcommings.
I wish you all the luck with him. Patience, structure, discipline, understanding and love is what gets us all through it!

I go to mandatory WI parenting classes on Saturday. We'll see how that helps. I just came from conferences with his teacher's and he's not bad in all his classes - only the ones who will notice. But they all see a change in attitude of what is important to him now. He called his dad today and will see him this weekend, I will talk to his dad before they get together and hopefully he will get through that school, respect, etc. are important.....

Thank you for your feedback, it is nice to know I'm not alone in all this not messy separation, but still confusing, even to me sometimes.

He's probably acting up for you because he needs the extra attention. I wouldn't give it to him in the form of gifts or privileges, but you might want to set some time aside for just the two of you--a mother son date or something for example. Let him pick the restaurant, go see a movie that will get you both talking or pick one he likes that you could care less about. That "Passions of the Christ" will get conversation going! He doesn't need ALL the nitty gritty details of the collapse of your marriage, but be open with him. That will allow him to do the same although it may not happen right away.

You might want to encourage him to write in a journal if you think he'd do it. Don't ask to see it. He needs to feel free to express himself. The anger is one of the 5 parts of grief. He has to go through it. Just set boundaries. Let him know that you love him and you know this is difficult, but don't let him show his anger physically.

Have him write all his frustrations on a piece of paper, then together, light a match to it and watch it burn (without you reading it if he so chooses--hard to do, but you can do it!). Tell him it represents the desire to let the things go. Let him know that unfortunately, there are things in life that really stink and really hurt, but we can't do a thing about it.

You may also want to find a youth pastor to talk to him. Find a church that has an active youth group. That might give him a good healthy distraction which can also serve as a healthy outlet. He'll find something else to focus his energy on. It's good he's not giving all of his teacher's grief! He's just upset with the situation at home. Be consistent, be patient, be loving...it will all work out in the end.

Let him find an adult that is a GOOD influence and role model--one that you KNOW will guide him in a good direction. It needs to be one HE can identify with. As a teacher of that age group (an a mother), I know that an adult other than his parents can say something that he will take as the best advice ever--even though he ignored the exact same advice from mom and/or dad. It's a teen thing. Play his game and beat him at it! I can't tell you how many times I have teamed up with my high school athletes' parents on a particular subject. I give them the exact same advice their parents are giving them and lead them in the same way their parents want them to go. But advice coming from their "coach" is received a whole lot better than mom and dad. Remember when we were teens? We thought mom and dad just didn't have a clue! You can do it. This is a difficult time for all of you. Just be consistent!

Good luck! Hang in there!

Thank you so much for the ideas. We do have Wednesday's for game night. We play chess, backgammon, etc. for a few minutes and then he's back on the chat lines or out skateboarding. But I do make time for him.

He also has a mentor at school (they gave him one about 4 months ago before the divorce had been mentioned) who I talked to yesterday. My son had already told him about the divorce, which I was glad to hear, since I know he hasn't told his friends. He is an athlete, but this is the off season, track starts in 3 weeks....I think that will help if we can keep a minimum amount of turmoil until then.

Writing something down is too much like school - no way! But that is what I do, and yes I burn the pages and smile.

Keep smiling!