Hello everyone I am new here. I have 2 boys 10 and one soon to be 12. I was wondering if any of ya'll have boys close together in age and if they fight alot. It seems my 12 yr old is always tryin to hurt his brother. My youngest son wants to be close to his brother and wants to play with him but the older wants nothin to do with the younger. My younger has alot of anger and resentment it seems towards his brother for some reason. I don't treat one any better than the other. The older son has behavior problems in school is defiant and disrespectful to authority figures. I have taken him thru anger management 2 yrs ago. and will be taking him back to counselling May 10. He stays in trouble in school and is alternative school til school is out for summer. I am at my witts end ready to pull my hair out. Their dad lives 20 minutes from me and its been over a month since he has talked or even seen them. I dont know if he acts this way cuz he wants dads interaction or if he just actin up to be bad. If anyone has any suggestions Please tell me. Thank you!!

[quote]OOOPs I meant my older has the resentment. Sorry [/quote}

Hi Laurie and welcome to the board, I combined your two threads to save confusion.

I don't have too much to add in advice. It could be that he is wanting/needing more attention from his dad. I think that it's good that he's going back to counseling, perhaps they can talk with him and find out more for you. Curious, would his dad possibly spend more time if the counselor felt that might help?

quote:

Originally posted by Don:
[qb] Hi Laurie and welcome to the board, I combined your two threads to save confusion.

I don't have too much to add in advice. It could be that he is wanting/needing more attention from his dad. I think that it's good that he's going back to counseling, perhaps they can talk with him and find out more for you. Curious, would his dad possibly spend more time if the counselor felt that might help? [/qb]

Thanks and sorry about confusion. No, dad doesn't think he needs counselling at all. Dads only alternative is to just let my son go live with him. But I have let him live there the 1st 6 weels of this sch yr and it didn't work out. My son wanted to come back home. Dad likes to drink alot and I don't think it would be in my sons best interest or I would let him move back so that dad can "turn him around". But kids are left home alone so dad can go to bar. I go round and round about the bar thing. Or he just takes kids to the bar with him!!! Which is definately not good. Thanks for replying.

Hey Laurie,
Sounds like you are in a tough place with the boys. I have to admit mine fight a lot too but I don't think to the extremem like you are talking.
It sounds like he is really looking for some attention and boundries. Kids need boundries. You mentioned sending him to counselling. Are you going with him? It probably would be a good idea for you to be there too or have some with him. He is also 12 which means he is going through a lot of changes in his body. This is a tough age to begin with. I am not sure how you react to your boys but something to consider is how you react to the fighting and bad behavior, this is where counselling can help you. Do you enforce punishment for bad behavior? Is punishment appropriate for the bad action? Do you reward for a job well done? Do you have incentives for good behavior? I don't know how you run your house so it is really hard for me to give you some ideas.
I do wish you the best.

Thanks tomany for the reply! It depends on what they do, as to what punishment they get. If they are fightin, they go to their rooms. Or if I know who started it that 1 will go to his room. I know I yell at times but I feel its the only way he hears me. I know its not good to yell all the time. I have tried the whippins they only make him madder and violent at times. I am at witts end. Sometimes I think the easiest thing to do is let him go live with his dad even tho i do not believe its in his best interest. I know he is looking for attention even if it is negative. I feel like sometimes he likes being bad and gettin in trouble. He thinks i love the 10 yr old more than him but I love them equally. I do not favor one over the other. He maxed out his days for ISS (in school suspension) so he was sent to alternative sch for 6 wks but got out early for good work and good behavior. And I praised him and told him how proud I was of him and gave him $20.00 for his all B report card the 1st he has done since the 3rd grade. The instructor let him go back to his reg. sch and the 1st wk back he got in trouble again and they tried 3 days more days of ISS he got in trouble in ISS so they sent him back to altern for remaining of sch yr which is 2 more weeks and has been there 2 weeks so far. For the most part he is defiant/disrespectful, doesnt want anyone tellin him what to do. Wants to do things his way or no way. And he is very happy as long as I buy him what he wants which is hardly ever due to his behavior. As of late, he says it would b better if he just died cuz noone likes him anyway. Tells me he hates me. (True, I have told my mom and dad in the heat of me not gettin what I want that I hate them and I know how many times I said the hurtful phrase to each of them) but my son says it with real hate and anger. I am no means scared of him tho he is taller than I now, but the last time I did whip him this last time of gettin in trouble for actin like he wanted to hit his teacher -- he pushed me and told me :to get up off him". I have tried talkin and reasoning w/him, tried the time outs, and taking every electronic item he has away til he shows respect to everyone. Which is the point where he is at now and had been grounded to house for last 2 weeks. Sat night I let him spend the night with his friend, Sun night when he came home he was good. Mon was good but today come time to go to counsellor he didnt put up a fight ( i guess cuz he got to stay out of sch) but this afternoon he blew up again cuz I told him he couldnt go to his friends house. There it goes again kickin stuff throwin stuff, sayin he hated me and wants to die. For the most part I keep a headache stress i guess but desperately want help with this child before high sch yrs and young adulthood or the temper is gonna get him in serious trouble. I just pray and hope counselling works for all of us. <br />Sorry for this being sooo long!

made another booboo in my post about kids my son acted as if he wanted to hit his teacher. sorry

I am not going to pretend to know your boys so I will just give you some insight into mine. When my husband died my kids had no clue how to handle things. Some showed anger right away while another kept it in and it is just now starting to show. I set up a punching bag out in the garage for my 17 year old to go beat on when he gets angry and it really helps. Now my 12 year old is using it too. Depending on the situation they may yell into a pillow while the younger ones may draw pictures. The point is we all vent in different ways and it sounds like he needs an outlet that is okay for him.
I don't have the problem of my kids telling me they hate me to much but when I have I just tell them how much I love them. I keep telling them in a very calm voice that nothing can change how much I love them. The more upset they get the more I try to keep myself calm and rational. I let them know that I can not help them unless they calm down so I can better understand them.
I know this is going to sound really strange but have you ever just stopped talking all together and let him rant? Just let him say what ever is on his mind no matter how he says it? I have done this before and a lot of times the truth starts to flow. I have had foster kids cussing at me and calling me ever name in the book. When I just don't let it effect me and listen pretty soon they start telling me what the problem is. You know it's hard to argue with a person who is not saying anything.
I also try to walk kids through problems. Instead of telling them how to handle it I will just ask questions to lead them to their own answer. Now they feel they made the decision and not me telling them how to do it. They follow through much better than if I tell them the answer.
One other thing that I have learned and is very hard to do is separate the bad behavior from the person. We all have bad behavior from time to time even as adults, that does not make us bad people. Bad behavior does not make kids bad either they are still good people. Sometimes kids need to know this. They need to know that just because they messed up they are not bad people and just need to do their best to correct the situation.
Another question that sits on my mind is what are his friends like in school? Who are they? I ask because you said he did better when he changed schools could part of that be that he did not have his normal friends there?
Anyway I hope I have helped some how. I wish you and your kids the best with lots of prayers.

Than you so much for all your input! Yes, I know about seperating bad behavior from the person, my sons alternative teacher told me and my son that he was not a "bad" kid just that his behavior was. And that just cuz he was in the "bad" sch it was not a big deal oh well he messed up. As long as my son learned from it!! That was the first time he had to go to altern sch in March but now he is back there. Just today he was suspended for 3 days - was told over and over to do his work and to stop talkin back to instructor. I havent talked to instructor yet. Believe it or not, my son is with the "IN" crowd. Not troubled kids by any means. They are the same kids he has been with since Kindergarten and plays little league baseball with. His behavior was better not his gradesl. Could have been plus the newness of new teachers and kids but he says he didnt have time to get in trouble cuz they had 6 or 7 teachers. At his sch now he only has 3 teachers. He wants desperately to live with his dad. But dad likes to drink and party. We started counselling on Tues. so we will see if it helps.
I thank you for all ur suggestions and anything else u can think of please let me know.

I am up for any and all advice.

Just an update...my 2 boys must be growing up and maturing because they don't fight as much as they use to. Which I am glad of that. They even go to Youth nite at church on Friday's and Cody watches out that noone picks on Dustin. There are still moments of arguing and an occasional fight..but not like before.

I am glad things are getting better

quote:

Originally posted by Laurie05:
Just an update...my 2 boys must be growing up and maturing because they don't fight as much as they use to. Which I am glad of that. They even go to Youth nite at church on Friday's and Cody watches out that noone picks on Dustin. There are still moments of arguing and an occasional fight..but not like before.