I'm new here, but I wanted to know if anyone else is dealing with an ex who is living far away from you and the kids. My ex-husband informed me tonight that he's very likely moving to Maine in the near future. His current job has him flying there to work every week, but he comes back to the Midwest on weekends (five hours from where our son and I live). When he's in Maine, I'm afraid the already sort of tenuous and formal relationship between my son and his dad will get even more strained or, worse, disintegrate. Has anyone dealt with this situation?

Hello and welcome jwriter,

My EH moved away about 4 years ago. Slowly it seemed as though he lost touch of them. IDK... I don't try to interfere with their relationship and make it possible for him to contact them if he wanted, via email and phone. Even sent info about school events.

My son tells me sometimes he isn't sure about visiting his father. From what I hear from my EH family whom I still talk to (I don't talk to the EH) they tell me the boys are very different around their father... as if they were visiting distant relatives.


I wouldn't let their decision about their relationship make you feel badly. It would be really nice if all fathers can make the time to bond with their chidren caringly on a daily basis.

Thanks, Tessmit. You're right, I need to let their relationship unfold however it will and not try to manage it. I'm sort of torn, though. I could bend over backwards to force a relationship between the two of them, or I could just let it fade away. Either way, my son could grow up to resent me for whatever I did or didn't do. Right? Yeah ... you can see my confusion here! Glad to know I'm not the only one with this **** going on, though!

You know.... when my boys were much younger, they used to blame me for their father not visiting them. I took the blame then. when they were a little older, I told them it hurts my feelings when they said that. Now that I have a teenager who is becoming a young adult, I ask him to give me examples of how I MADE his father stop contacting him. He's old enough to see other relationships of his friends who have divorced parents and they seem to be a mix of parents who make the effort to cherish their relationship and ones who are non-existent.

Technology makes long-distance relationships somewhat more possible. He was lucky to see my god-brother build a relationship with his now wife who lived on another continent at the time. Some of his friends have laptops where they conference with their fathers about homework regularly. They have established set contact times where they play a game of chess or spades online.... even WOW (LMAO).

Anyway, I used to allow myself to be trapped in the lies and believed I had anything to do with "their" relationship. I do,however, let my EH know these options are available and his children see these things happening with their distant divorced fathers. I don't even make the time to listen to the excuses.

Gosh... why do I feel like I'm near retirement and I haven't even hit the big 40 yet? LOL Maybe having a 2nd time chance of a 2 parent household isn't what I want.... ooops I'm typing out loud again.

Hi. This is just the topic I was looking for. I am new here, but I am feeling I will die if I do not connect with someone soon. I have so much inside me and no one to share it with. Today I wrote a letter as if my 13 year old son was thinking about his father who sees him rarely. My ex and I have 2 older sons, also, ages 26 and 23. He moved to another state when our youngest was 2 years old.

"I wonder if he ever thinks about me. I wonder why he doesn't like me. Probably because I'm weird. He loves Brian and Pete. He doesn't care about me, though. I probably just have too many problems. Kids at school pick on me, why not him? I'm used to being rejected. He was probably popular in middle school. I wonder what he is like. What is it like to have a dad, anyway? I "have" one, but I don't have one. Brian is the closest thing I have to a dad, but he says he just wants to be my brother. And I don't get to see him very often. Or Pete. At least Brian calls me all the time. I wonder if Brian was scared to go to high school. I am going to be in that Asperger's program and I wonder if that will help or make things worse. They took me out of advanced placement classes so maybe I'm dumb, too. And maybe I have to have an operation to get rid of these "breasts" that the medication caused. Stupid medication! Stupid mom for giving it to me. I bet he wouldn't have sent me to the hospital. But then, he doesn't care what happens to me. He didn't even call when I was there. He probably wishes I wasn't even born. Mom says he sends money for me. He probably would rather have the money. They say I look like him, but I don't know what he really looks like now. I haven't seen him for a long time. I think it was at his father's funeral. I wonder if he loved his dad? I don't know if I love my dad. It is hard to love someone you don't really know. Maybe that's why he doesn't love me. He doesn't know me. I wonder if he did, if he would understand me better than mom does. He probably would appreciate my computer skills more. He works with computers, I think. I wonder if he knows how to make video games on the computer. Mom bought me that program, but she can't figure it out and neither can I. Oh well, I probably won't ever become a video game designer anyway. Maybe I won't even go to college. Maybe I won't even finish high school."

Wow...I have no idea what to say. This is such a sad letter.

It's your writing, however? Are you sure that your son feels quite as low as you have expressed in your letter? With all of the problems you have listed, however...he must be having some difficult feelings.

Your son has Aspergers? And he wants to be a video game designer? He sounds like my son. My son wasn't offered the AP classes, but I'm fighting to get him on that track now. What is the program that you bought for him that you can't figure out? My son's taking some video game programming classes this Summer at a camp for kids. It looks like they have some in Michigan too, although I dunno how close you are to Ann Arbor -> http://www.internaldrive.com/michigan/michigan.asp?loc=UMICH

I gotta say this is one of the saddest posts that I've seen in awhile. Hopefully you're feeling much lower than your son is, however. Kid's often don't get as depressed about their situation the way their parents do. I know that I have had my heart fall many times seeing little Bobby in bad situations, only to find that he interpreted the situation differently and felt OK.

Welcome to the site. Keep posting and you'll find support here. You may want to start a new post to introduce yourself.

Later,
Bobby

quote:

It's your writing, however? Are you sure that your son feels quite as low as you have expressed in your letter? With all of the problems you have listed, however...he must be having some difficult feelings.

I have to agree with Bobby. Wow.


Sometimes I feel much worse about my children not having an ideal father. Both of mine are resilient about it though time to time, there may be an event they wished they had a "father" there like the other boys do.

I've always had an attitude where I tell my sons "you were delt these cards... now go and do something with them. Life is too short to waste."

Thank you both for your responses. I guess I was feeling rather down yesterday. I am glad you saw the sadness in it. I was crying as I wrote it. I had just returned from a conference on fatherhood. (I work in Infant Mental Health and it was a mandatory training.) The day of the conference was my dad's birthday and the date we were divorced. (Ironically, my dad died on our wedding anniversary.)

I picked up some pamphlets about being an involved father and sent them with the letter to my ex. Now I feel purged. Let him deal with the guilt.

I think you are right about me being more upset about his father being absent than my son is. He says it doesn't bother him, but I don't think he even realizes what he is missing. My ex was a good father to our first two sons, at least up until the time of the divorce.

The computer program I got my son is called Tycoon Gold Edition. Thanks for the info on the computer camp. I had looked into that camp, but it is a little too expensive for me. I do live near Ann Arbor.

Anyway, thanks for the support. It was really nice to get some replies!

Best wishes,

Linda

quote:

I've always had an attitude where I tell my sons "you were delt these cards... now go and do something with them. Life is too short to waste."

Wise words if you ask me. One of my favorites is "it is what it is" There are some things in life that just can't be changed, and instead of dwelling on those it's best to accept them for what they are and go on about life.

I agree

Hi! I am fairly new here too. I joined a long time ago, but hadn't started getting involved until now.

My children's father has lived away from them since we separated. Very far. I have always tried to facilitate a relationship between them. I go as far as to allow him to stay in my home with the kids and I stay elsewhere when he visits. I encourage the kids to call him or email. He never has been good about being involved.

I have learned that I can't foster a relationship that doesn't exist. I am sure that there are instances where the distance of a parent isn't such a big deal, but the whole root of it is if the parent isn't going to make the effort to be involved and try and stay connected it isn't going to happen. It is his responsibility to create and foster a relationship with his son, you can't do that for him. As heartbreaking as it is- and it is- I know.