I really could use some advice and guidance! I am not sure if this the right place to post this, so I may post it elsewhere too.

The title really summarizes a very long drawn out situation. We separated close to six years ago, divorced for about five now. I have a now 10 year old son and 7 year old daughter. The children and I left because he refused to end an affair at work. Subsequently, he married the woman.

When we divorced, he literally said he didn't want any visitation. He signed sole custody over to me. Now he has changed his mind. He has forgotten what he said and clearly doesn't care how much pain he has caused and continues to cause for my children.

When we divorced I told him he really needed to visit the kids and I insisted to put visitation in the papers. He begrudgingly said five days, I said can we make it ten? So, ten it is. He said he didn't want them visiting him where he lives (a different state). I told him I didn't want them bouncing back and forth and that I didn't want his lover involved in my children's lives. So, we agreed on ten days visitation in the state the kids and I live in, at my discretion. (BTW his parent's live in the same state as the kids and I).

So, for five years he has come for their birthdays and around Christmas time. There have been a couple of other "off major event" vistits (three I can think of). I let him stay in our home and leave so he can have time with his children in the most comfortable atmosphere as possible for the kids. He has taken them to his parent's house (in a different city) a few times. I have never denied him visitation or time. I have let him come and go whenever he would. So, basically he has seen the children around 18 times in the six years.

Now, he has changed his mind. Now, he says he never said he didn't want visitation. Now, he says he never said he didn't want them to visit them where he lives. Now, he says he wants to be more involved.

Here is the kicker...

He has NEVER told the kids he is married. He has never told the kids about her in any way! When I explained it to the kids so many years ago I did the best I could without hurting or confusing them, yet being as honest as I could. I told them that "Daddy made some bad choices." Plus so much more- but that was the theme I hung it all onto. I didn't say anything about what he did or how he treated me or anything about his new relationship etc. Over time, the kids have asked me if he is married etc. Well, when he told me he was going to marry her, I told him it was his responsibility to tell the kids about his life and his choices not mine. So, when I have been asked I don't confirm or deny, I say "I am not with Daddy anymore. You need to ask Daddy if he (insert adjective here- married, dating, traveling, whatever). It isn't my business, but you have a right to ask Daddy anything you would like to." So, he has NEVER told them squat! He avoids there questions and bird walks around them.

His new thing is that he never said anything that he said before. He is so self-righteous now. He said he "has always wanted to be around them and to be involved." So, if that is true, where has he been this whole time? He is saying that I said that he couldn't tell the kids about her. That is NEVER what I said! I said I wouldn't tell them. He has twisted and skewed the truth and reality of everything. Then he had the audacity to say that someday they would find out and that they would blame me for not letting them know about her and meet her. Can you believe that!?! He went on to tell me that someday I would have to accept her into my life, into my home because she is a part of his life and the kids are a part of his life.

I pondered over it all for days, then I decided that the kids had to know. I decided after this long of living with his smoke and mirror game, it would be best if the news came from me. He has so little to do with them, that I feel like him coming out on a birthday or Christmas and telling them would very well leave a deep scar. So, I told him that I would let the kids know he was married as diplomatically as possible. I told him if he was serious that he wanted to be more involved that he would have to show us that. He has to call more than once every month or more. He has to visit more often. I told him that if he was serious, that in the future maybe we could consider a couple weeks where he lives in the summer. He was so relieved (because he got off the hook of having to be the bearer of bad news). Then he hemmed and hawed around and finally told me that he was glad because he has more news for the kids. His words "They are going to have a sister."

I HATE HIM!!! None of this is about my kids and their well-being. None of this is about his concern and wanting to be involved. It is about how they are too inconvenient. This means he won't be coming to visit anymore for Christmas because how can he now that he has a new family? I wonder if this means that he thinks this means that his new wife can now play mommy to my kids because it would be cheaper than paying child support since she is going to be home with their new baby?

He has payed for private school up until this year. This last school year he said he couldn't afford it. (HUGE LIE) He flat out refused to pay for it this year. However, it is in the divorce papers that he has to pay it.

I am overwhelmed with all the unknowns right now. I am so angry and frustrated, and broken-hearted for my children. I don't know if I should go back to the court and demand that he increase the child support he should be paying to my kids or if that will tip off this whole custody thing. Do you think the courts would give him split custody back at this point? I don't know how to tell the kids.

PLEASE any advice on how to break it all to the kids is greatly appreciated! Any advice on how to proceed on any front is appreciated. Both my kids at one time or another over the years have made said to me something to the effect of "I think Dad has a new family now that he loves more and that is why we never see him." I am afraid this is going to shatter them- especially my son.

mhs,

I'm a little confused. First he didn't want visitation. Then he agreed to 10 days of visitation (a year?). Next, he wants them to visit him and his new wife for visitation and cut out any child support. Do I have that correct?

Anyway. What I've learned is yesterday's truth doesn't matter. Nobody really cares eventhough you know in your heart it was true. It helps me decide who to trust. see what you can live with today.

My EX will take advanted of me and our children if I let him. He paints himself as a hero and treats them as if they are not worthy of him (IMO anyway). What I've learned from my lawyer is to have him formally make a request via email or snail mail, so the facts can never be twisted to his favour. I don't even speak to him on the phone because what he wants always changes.

You can modify your CS if some time has past from the date of your court order. It's usually about 2 years, though you should check with your CSE office.

Custody is a separate issue. He will have to file in court to change the current order. Maybe it will be too inconvienient for him to do it so you don't have to worry. He can't change the amount of CS on your CO either w/o a judge. So if he has them at his house, he still has to pay CS.

I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I told the kids about his marital status. They were shocked to say the least.

Yes, initially he didn't want visitation. It was at my insistence that it was put in our papers. His suggestion for visitation was for five days, I told him that wasn't enough, so he agreed on the ten. He didn't want anything but out and away.

He was talking about wanting to be more involved, but I am fairly certain that is just BS. I was only speculating that he wants the new wife to watch the kids in a means to get out of paying CS. I really don't know.

The kids called him for father's day, he didn't pick up. He called them back from work the next day. That was the last time they have had any word from him. They both have emailed him and he doesn't respond. This is typical.

He did give me the whole line about the reason he had never told the kids he was married was because I told him he couldn't (which as I said before wasn't what I ever said). My point with this is he is changing the past and angling to make it all my fault that he isn't going to have anything to do with them. That way, in his mind, he can walk away with a clear conscience because he has made it all my fault.

As far as the CS goes. The reason I brought that up as a concern is that he continually is trying to pay for less and less for the kids. Like I said, he is now saying he won't pay for private school this year. He took a new job about two years ago, and I know for a fact that he wouldn't have taken a new job if it didn't mean a pay increase. Also, he just graduated with a MS from a prestigious university- which means pay increase. In five years I haven't sought any change in the CS because I have tried to work things out with him without the court. Now, I am seeing that was a HUGE mistake. I just don't want him to screw the kids out of what is rightfully theirs because he has a new family. He is supposed to have college savings funds for them, and he only has one for our son- and has only contributed to it once.

I looked into what the law on CS modification is here and it can be modified if there is a 20% change in financial status. So, I guess I know what I need to do now.

Thank you so much for writing back! You have NO idea how much it means to me. I really could relate to what you said about learning that yesterday's truth doesn't matter. You are so right! I have seen this play out time and time again. It seems like a lot of people forget history and the past too easily to account for today's desires.

Again, thank you!