Hello, i'm new to this network & really glad i've found a forum to vent & gain some insight to my situation -- it's good to know i'm not alone.

I am a single mum not by choice but by circumstance. I am not married to the father of my child but we both live in the same state in nigeria. He loves his son and wants to be active in his life, i admire that and even encouraged this before the baby even came.

Trouble is i never really dealt with the issues concerning us during my pregnancy.... i was too determined to have a happpy and healthy child i didnt engage in any negative thought.

He didint want me to have the baby,nor did he support me in any way whilst i was pregnant. He did however come to london (where i was living at the time) for the birth. I have a medical condition which is generally not understood by most people and he used this as a weapon against me throughout.
I didn't feel the effect of all this till after i delivered and have now decided that although he will get to see his child(which he does), he cannot have an active role in decisions concerning our son nor should he see him as and when he feels like. This is my dilemma because he is constantly trying to claim rights to my son! There really isn't a structure family law system in nigeria - anything goes.i've excluded him completely from the birth certificatem just in case. i just need to know from an ethical and moral standpoint, is it ok?

Ps: ther's obviously a bit more angle to it, didn't want to bore you all, pls ask if it'll make a difference to ur opinion

welcome to SFV momj! I'm glad to be reading your story, I myself will soon be a single mom, and I'm not married to the child's father. Some months ago I was also in a dilemma about legal issues... there are legitimacy issues in my country and if I give birth to the baby outside of marriage, it will be illegitimate, so I decided to have my parents adopt my child in name, so that the baby will have full rights of a legitimate child. But before I came up with the adoption decision, I did my research about family laws in my country to see if I am making the right decision and if I am not doing anything illegal or unethical.

I suggest you do the same. I get it from your post that the baby was born in London? Then I think that makes him a British citizen and will be subject to family laws in England. Do some research on family laws in England, particularly paternity rights. Even if his name is not on the birth certificate, he may be able to prove that he is the child's father through a DNA test and that gives him paternity rights. Don't hesitate to give us more details about your situation, any other details may allow us to better understand and respond.

Do stick around, you'll find a lot of support in here, particularly from the other single parents who have been in your shoes regarding visitation and custody issues.

Thanks ever so much for that, really kind of you. Though my son was born in england, he isn't bitish by law as i don't have current status there - i was only studying there at the time.

I thought i was safe since his name wasn't on the birth cert but guess not as safe? i'm sure (or at least hope) it'll never get to that stage but the way things are going, i'd rather be prepared.

Glad to see you back here momj... if your son is then a citizen of Nigeria where there are no structured family law systems, then you wouldnt have a problem about not putting the father's name on the birth certificate, and he may not have established paternity rights, which will make the situation easier for you. Maybe what you should be focusing on now is your son's future, if he would be better off without his father in his life, or if he would still need him as a father figure. I have received advice from several people here in this forum regarding my dilemma of letting the father into my child's life. You can read up on their posts in this thread... Am I doing the right thing? <-- just click on the link to view the posts.

We are almost in the same situation (though not exactly the same) but I think you can benefit from the different opinions posted there. Hope all goes well with you!

Hey Momj and Dawn. Found this post really interesting and did a quick spot of research for you. The family laws in Nigeria are very unclear about paternity rights. If you don't put his name on the birth certificate it would be up to him to then prove that he is the father of your child if he chooses to in the future. With respect to British law, do you have ILR (indefinite leave to remain) status? This can be granted to those who don't hold right of abode in the UK but have been admitted to stay without time limit and are free to take up employment or study (you may qualify for this). If you can claim ILR status then any child born under these circumstances would automatically be a British citizen. I hope this helps.

Dawn, am not sure where you are but i know of a few issue with adoption, even to a family member. As a non legal guardian you will no longer have any legal rights concerning your child once the adoption process is complete. This includes medical decisions, school enrollments, travel documentation etc. If issues surface with your family in the future (hopefully not relevant but just in case) there is very little you can do as decisions concerning your child are entirely in their hands. It seems like you are very close to your family so this may not apply to you at all but just thought i would give you a heads up. Have heard of stories where these types of adoptions have become messy later on due to differing opinions on how the child should be raised. Hope i am not butting in here, if i am i do apologize sincerely. x

Momj - I truly empathasize with your situation!

You may want to research your child's citizenship if you were studying in England under a student visa. This may also qualify your child as a british citizen. Also, you may be able to apply for citizenship in Britian if your home country is in a war, etc. Check to see if there is a consulate for Nigeria in London. If not, got the british consulate or search locally for an immigration center that assists people in becoming citizens. Usually if there are no charges against you or if you have not overstayed your visa by 30 days you should not have too many problems. If you don't get anywhere there and your not comfortable going back to Nigeria, you can go to Ireland as I'm pretty sure they may be able to help you since they have not yet passed stricter laws on immigration to date. (They are starting to soon as they are recieving an influx of immigration from Eastern Europe.)

If neither of those suit you, try America. They are tightening the immigration barriers, however contact the Nigerian Consulate in Boston. Here are some websites:

www.embassyworld.com

http://www.embassiesabroad.com/embassies-in/England

Good luck and keep us posted!

Caitlin

quote:

Originally posted by crumpet:
Dawn, am not sure where you are but i know of a few issue with adoption, even to a family member. As a non legal guardian you will no longer have any legal rights concerning your child once the adoption process is complete. This includes medical decisions, school enrollments, travel documentation etc. If issues surface with your family in the future (hopefully not relevant but just in case) there is very little you can do as decisions concerning your child are entirely in their hands. It seems like you are very close to your family so this may not apply to you at all but just thought i would give you a heads up. Have heard of stories where these types of adoptions have become messy later on due to differing opinions on how the child should be raised. Hope i am not butting in here, if i am i do apologize sincerely. x

Hi crumpet! Thanks for the advice. I was actually aware of the possibility that since i will not have legal rights to the child due to the adoption, there might be problems later regarding decisions for him. But I based my decision on how it would affect the child, not how it would affect me. Up until now I am still hurting knowing that the child will not be under my name. Tho my parents will appoint me as legal guardian, it is still hard for me because I know I am the mother and I will only be known as his guardian. But I dont want him to live as an illegitimate child, and I want him to be in a home where he has both mother and father. I dont want him asking me where his father is and why he was neglected by dad. I dont want him reaping the consequences of my mistake. So I willingly sacrificed my legal rights just to give him a better life. Besides, I trust my parents in making better decisions than me. I've actually messed things up so even if they allow me to call the shots, I think I will still consult them since they're more experienced parents than I am. Anyway, thanks for your concern, I appreciate the comment.

I grew up in Nigeria, and have a limited familiarty with the laws and situation you are speaking of.

I would establish custody/visitation/child support in England if you can do it. It sounds like you've made your primary home in London, and for the moment let that be.

Back in Nigeria, make sure you have the full support of your family. Or someone will be forcing your hand. Talk with your parents, aunties, sisters and brothers. Make sure everyone understands what is going on, and why. I'm sure the father will make big wahala for you. He will go out and talk bad about you. But let him make the trouble. If all he has to say is bad things, people will soon figure out that he's a liar.

You must get your family behind you before you go back to Nigeria.