I just recently split up with my 2 month olds father, and I do have papers stating that I have custody of her. We have decided not go through the courts as long as he helps with supporting her. I don't have a problem with that, my problem is visitation. He is an alcoholic and doesn't have a clue as to how to care for. I have tried getting him to learn and he just doesn't want to, but yet he wants to be able to keep her over night for a few days a week. I have refused to because of both his drinking and not knowing how to care for her. I do bring her out to him to visititation. Am I be unreasonable by insisting that in order for him to keep her over night that he has to have supervised visitation? with his drinking I can't allow him alone and putting her at risk. His idea of a couple beers is 2 40oz.Which is a little more then a 6 pack a day, and he don't even realize that he's wasted when he is. He tries to tell me that he only had 4 beers but I know by his slurring and not being able to walk straight. Does anyone have any suggestions on what else I should do concerning this situtation?

Ok...ladies ..get in on this one...cause I'd personally want to Koldkock the the guy...I say guy...cause he isnt a man.

I'm sorry if that seems blunt...but if that isnt completely irresponsible, I dont know what is!

No, Kaylah...you are not being unreasonable...you need to do ANYTHING you have to, to ensure that baby's safety and well-being.

Btw, Welcome to the site...hang on..give people time to respond before you give up...as we all check in and out during the day.

Your post sounds reasonable.

There is no way under the sun I would allow him to have her over night.

He is under the influence.

The skills to care for her can be learned. The capacity to manage and think propery while drunk is an entire differnt case.

Hold your ground. I would tell him end of discussion while he is drinking.
If you have cause to be concerned for your safety then I would contact a shelter or councilor for advise.

Good luck and welcome to the forums

Hi Kaylah, and welcome.

I agree with the others. I wouldn't allow him to take the child unsupervised at any time. At this point you have no court ordered visitation, so you dont have to agree to do anything you dont want to. I would continue to bring her to see him and to allow visitation that you deem to be safe so that she will have some relationship with her father.

I have to advise you, however, to keep track of his behaviors and his drinking as well as any statements he makes towards you and witnesses to as much of that as you can. Just get a notebook and start keeping track of this stuff. If at some point communication breaks down between the two of you and you end up in court, you will need to provided evidence to support your decision not to let him have overnights. I know it doesn't seem like that will happen right now, but you never know when it could come down to that and you need to protect your child. There are lots of parents on this site who have to send their kids off to visitation in situations that they dont think are safe, so keep track of things so that you never have to do that.

Again, welcome to SFV. You'll find lots of support here and people who have similar situations to yours. Good Luck.

Welcome-
my STBX is an alcoholic as well. and when we first started talking about visitation he tried to demand overnights. It's a little different here, because he does not have a real place to live..so couldn't keep her, but he was pushing for the future.

You have every right to require that these visits be supervised. this is your child, and you need to be sure that your child is being cared for. If he is under the influence that much...he's n ot going to be able to care for this child.

Hi Kaylah and welcome to the site.

I agree with keeping a journal. It is always a good idea for your own memory sake. It will come in handy during court if you need it.
As far as alcoholics are concerned they never think they have a problem. What's wrong with a few beers after work? Nothing but keep it at a few beers not a few cases. I know this situation all to well. Also if he is drunk do not let him see her even with you there. Tell him point blank "You are drunk and I can not tolerate it" then walk out the door with your daughter. Then write down in your journal why you did not allow visitation.
Honestly I would get the courts involved for your own safety and your daughters. If you both agree with child support what is wrong with having it documented at the court house? The same with a visitation schedule. You both can go up there together and it should not cost you a thing if you both agree.
For now you might be able to say that she is just to young and you don't like being away from her during the night to help back you up.
I have a friend going through a very nasty divorce with 4 kids and an alcoholic father. He is at least a case a night kind of guy. His entire family is involved and backs him up no matter what. Makes it very difficult on her. She got supervised visitation with his mother so she knows that the children are safe. Be prepared to take him to court over it. If he is asking for over nights now he just might push the issue. You know him better than any of us do.
I wish you the best, God bless.

Kaylah,

My suggestion would be to file a visitation schedule with the court. I know you say you're trying not to as long as he supports her, but with his alcoholism, this might be your only way to protect your child if he refuses to admit he has a problem.

You can check out Families In Transition for a form to help you get the Visitation Schedule all set up. It's completely customizable, but it might help you to get it on paper when he can have her, and what the stipulations are.

There is a clause in there that states that neither parent (CP or NCP) will overuse or abuse alcohol while the child is in your care. You could modify that to say NO ALCOHOL if you chose to. The form comes in a .pdf format, but you can simply retype it into a Word document and then add or remove anything you want from the wording. I'm adding a clause for supervised visitation to mine, and that would be very simple for you to do.

This would give you the ability to do this yourself, all you'd have to do is file it with the court under the same case as your current custody agreement, and then get the judge to sign off on it.

Hope that helps.

Well I have not been in your situation...but I would not allow it...of course the political side of things sometimes allows bizarre things to happen.
Do what you can to follow what you feel is right. Know that you are doing what is right and don't judge yourself too harshly. Your concern is very legit. Can you have him tried as "unfit?"" just a thought...because really to me he would be.

MIranda

I would ask him to take a parenting course. My cousin had to before his daughter could stay the night with him. If he says no you might have to get the court involved. But I wouldnt just jump right to that.