For those of you who don't know me....Long story short...

I was divoced 7 yrs ago. I have full custody/ex has no visitation/no support order. Through the years I have not had any relationship with my son's grandfather or my ex's siblings. My son is now 7 and sees that my neice (12) receives presents/cards/etc from her grandparents also 3000 mi away but is wondering why he doesn't. I have not told him anything other than that he does have family, just in another country and that's pretty much it. We don't speak and I've never bad mouthed my ex's family at all...just replied that his grandfather was sick (truth) and that he didn't talk much.

My son is now catching on and asking more questions like, why don't the call, why don't we send/get pictures, etc.

I'm at a loss. I have written letters to both my ex's father and his brother as those are the only ones I have address for. I have not yet sent because I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. My ex-brother in law has shown interest in seeing my son but I refused the visit due to the fact that he's my ex-husband's twin brother and I thought it would be more confusing to my son than it was worth. My ex-father-in-law and I had a small disagreement 7 yrs ago shortly after my son was born and basically have not spoken/written since.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Hey Caitlin, there was a lot of posts today...people feeling like playing around ...your may have gotten lost in the shuffle ...be patient and I'm someone has some advice for you.

As for myself, I'd love to help you....but, I've not been in that situation.

hang in there.

Thanks Paul....I myself got sidetracked today from work....I hate how that gets in the way sometimes. LOL!

Still welcome to suggestions if anyone has any.

I've read this one a couple of times now. I guess the only thing you can do is try to contact these individuals and ask if they're willing to act like family. Get a read on their attitudes (assuming they'll talk to you). Make it real clear that you've contacted them strictly for your son's benefit and that if there's any acting up they'll be ushered back out of the your life. Weigh the relative merits remaining disconnected or attempting to include these folks back in your life. Can I ask which other country the grandfather is in?

Thanks bin...
They are in Ireland...one in the North (grandfather, step-grandmother, and 3 aunts) and one in the South (uncle, aunt and 4 cousins)....My ex has sister's in England as well but I was only somewhat close with one which we've lost track over the years. My ex has since remarried which I had thought would be great but over the last few years has continued to annoy me on occasion regarding him seeing my son. He says he would like to have a relationship with him but I had done some investigating regarding his citizenship status and he thought if he could prove he was attempting to support his son he could gain citizenship on the grounds that if he was deported my son would be "in financial hardship" should he be deported. Long story short, I told him if he wanted to see him, he needed to take me to court. (Where I would seek court supervised visitation as there were past threats of kidnapping and domestic violence)... I paid for the divorce where he gave me full custody/no visitation/no support on the grounds that he would be going back to Ireland. (He eventually did, but came back, etc.)

I still have not sent the letters and am still undecided. I believe that they would want to have contact, however, I also know they would give any information (ie, address) to my ex and as I don't know what side of the pond he's on these days, not sure if I want to go there. My ex is well aware of the fact that if he ever did show up unannounced that 911 would be called immediately.

It's truly a big mess and my son has no idea of all the other details as I figure he can read the documents when he's old enough to understand. When he was small it was easy and I didn't anticipate it being this sticky as he got older. I have not decieved him in any way, just spared him the truth of what his father is. (My ex has another son in Ireland that my son does not know about and I have never met/contacted...he would be about 16 now.)

I know this is a sticky subject for some but over the years I have learned alot and for that I am grateful. It seems like a "no brainer" but at the same time it's really difficult to explain to a child. Sometimes I think maybe I'm being overprotective, other times I don't know what to think.

Caitlin

Just a little update.....my ex was served w/ a summons for court for child support....nixed the letters all together.......it's all down hill from here.

Thanks all,
Caitlin

Wow, that is truly ugly. I've heard worse, but your story is right up there. I think the dominant fact I pulled from your narrative is that the ex is a user, and that if you contact the family in any way the info as to your whereabouts would likely be shared with him. Which'd be real bad. So you may have answered your own question, I guess. The hard part will be how much or little to explain to your son.

Hey Bin......yeah, it's a little ugly.......He's not a user, he's an alcoholic and an abuser on all levels. Now that he's been served, just going to keep head low and contact to nil as usual and wait out the storm.....

Thanks for your thoughts....keep ya posted.

Caitlin

Hi !
Listen, I always told my daughter the truth, she always knew that the reason for her mother been in a hospital was a car accident, even before she could comprehend exactly what it meant, so I guess my idea is always dealing with the truth.
Now, you can call these people and tell them whats going on but you are taking the risk that if they start having contact with your child very soon they are going to start demanding things like visitation, etc.and if something doesn't go your way you are not going to like it.
I wish my daughter had a bigger extended family but I can't agree on anything with them.
If I were you I'd tell him that in fact he had family overseas but you guys weren't really a family in the sense of what families do, that its only a blood relation. I guess something along those lines would be fine. I don't think is in the best interest of a child to start that kind of communication until he/she is old enough to get out of it if he/she so desires.
What I'm trying to say is this: let's suppose you start contact and they take you to court demanding visitation, I don't know if they'd have a case but it would certainly cost you time and money, but if he starts contact once he is, lets say 18, If he finds out they are a bunch of looser, drug addicts, etc. he can walk away without a problem.
I hope ir helps
Adrian