My son doesn't want to go visit his father. We are seperated, and there is no court order at this time. Besides the point, my ex-husband is not his biological father, though he is the only father my son knows. The daughter we had together has no issues with going over to her father's house. But more and more my son is protesting that he doesn't want to go.

2 things to bear in mind. 1)This is a child who pushes the limits and has to find out what he's allowed to do and not allowed to do. He's had to be removed from school due to bad behavior, and he loves school. He had to press his limits there and find out that he must be well behaved. So he might be pressing the limit to find out if he has to go over to Daddy's or not. When schools started he threw a few temper tantrums and didn't want to go to school. 2) I believe my ex is not providing much physical activty, which this child needs. When my son doesn't get his run time, he can be quite difficult to deal with. He will hit his sister, refuses to talk, etc. I think he may be bored, and getting into trouble quite often at his father's house.

This morning when my ex comes to get the kids I'm going to attempt to talk to him. My ex is controlling and he's used to setting the agenda. The last time I talked to him I got yelled at for half an hour, but in the end he agreed to what I was saying.

Any suggestions? Anyone been thru anything somewhat similiar?

Charity

Just a thought but do you think maybe the boy doesn't want to go because dad is actively trying to discipline him and the boy doesn't like it? Sometimes, when a child can't win in a situation they will try to get out of the situation.

A suggestion? Let dad ask him why he doesn't want to go. Maybe the child will be more forthcoming.

I have two boys from my ex husband, and the oldest does not go to his father's house. He told me if I made him go, he would run away. I know that my ex is controlling, and has done things to our oldest son that I do not agree with. So, I don't make him go.

I don't think you should force him, especially since this is not even his biological father. It also depends on his age. My youngest son does not really want to go, but he's too young to make that choice - so he goes back and forth each week. When he gets to an age where the courts would take his opinion into account, I will let him make the choice and see what the father does about it.

I can't force my boys to have a good relationship with their father. I can incourage it, and hope that my ex will try to have a good relationship with them... but if your son does not want to go - maybe it's not a good place for him to be.

Just a thought.

My ex came to pick ut the kids this morning. I told him I wanted to discuss this with him. He said, no, I'm not willing to discuss it. Okay the kid doesn't want to come with me, he doesn't come. He tried a few times to badger him, but he wouldn't really talked. I asked him do you want to go with Daddy, or come with me today. He answered that he wanted to come with me. My ex said, well if he changes his mind, then call me and I'll come get him.

So, off we went, me and my son to the gym. And then to Wal-mart to get the groceries. Coming out of Wal-Mart my son said, okay I'm ready to go to Daddy's. I had fun with him today. It was nice to be alone with him.

I'm pretty sure this is a control issue. He wants control over a situation that is beyond his control. If it were up to me, I wouldn't give him that sort of control. But it's my ex who is surrendering that control, not me. And if he wants to create that sort of relationship with the kids, I'm not going to stop him. I think it's wrong, and that the kids shouldn't be allowed to call the shots.

My son is five years old. He is not old enough to decide for himself what he really wants. I wanted to explain to my ex what I was hearing. Explain that my son was likely bored, and getting in trouble. Suggest that he find more active things to do then watch TV for hours on end with the kids. I think he doesn't want to go over to Daddy's because Daddy just sits on the couch and watches TV with them. I think he doesn't want to go because he does end up getting into trouble.

And I think all of that could be solved if my ex would listen to me, and hear what I have to say. Instead he's going to let my son gradually walk out of his life. My son should have gone this morning. I wanted to talk about the issues, and then both of us agree that he was going with Daddy. But that didn't happen. I'm upset and disapointed.

Charity

Charity-your son is too young to make that decision, at least according to the courts. You may be right about the control issue. It sounds like your ex may have been very OK with him not going. Maybe it's easier on your ex? I don't know him, so if he's not a lazy parent, then it must be something else. Do you think, your ex would agree to a talk when he brought the kids home tonite. I wouldn't just let it go. Tell him that you need to have this conversation for the sake of the kids and your joint parenting responsibilities. It is important that you are in agreement on the important issues affecting the kids such as visitation. I hope this helps. Keep us posted.

Joint parenting? HAH! Not on your life. Him talk to me! No, he refuses to.

He is totally too young to make descisions like that. In no way should he be allowed to set the agenda. I don't need his four year old sister thinking she can do the same. My ex is her father, and he'd likely blow a gasket if she tried to say, no I don't want to go over to your house today. It is not a good prescedent.

The "I don't want to go to Daddy's house" isn't the problem, it's a symptom of a problem.

I wanted my son to go with his Dad. But tht would have been so wrong to have me forcing him to go, my ex saying no he can stay here, and the kid screaming between us. So, instead the 5 year old got to set the agenda.

My ex is lazy. He's only involved with the children when it suits his schedule. He no-shows visitation. I can bet that my son has been bored, and causing problems at his house. He would welcome the chance to take our well behaved daughter and leave the trouble maker at home.

My ex refused to talk to me thie morning. He walked away from me when I tried to talk to him. He spoke over me. Talk with him, it isn't happening.

Charity

:My ex is lazy. He's only involved with the children when it suits his schedule. He no-shows visitation. I can bet that my son has been bored, and causing problems at his house. He would welcome the chance to take our well behaved daughter and leave the trouble maker at home.:

This is what I suspected. I'm sorry to hear that. Why can't these guys (no offense to the SFV guys, you are not included in this statement)
take their responsibility seriously and truly do what's best for the kids instead of what's best for themselves. Probably not a good time for me to respond to this since I am having my own issues concerning my ex with his kids.

It's happened again! Not exactly the same.

Today both of the kids went over to Daddy's today. I didn't know if their Dad was picking them up, so really I was getting them ready to go with me to look at homes. But instead they went over to Daddy's.

Well, my son came home. After about 3 hours he had enough and told his father he was ready to come home. The girlfriend brought him home, explaining that once they were done washing the car, he said he wanted to come home.

I just think this is setting a bad precident. My son gets to decide when he sees his father? NOT GOOD! What is my daughter thinking? Is she coing to try the same thing. How will he respond? I'm not happy.

I'm glad to have one on one time with my son. That is great! It's a blessing, and my son will benifit from it greatly. I am very greatful, but I still think is so wrong for a kid, especially his age to call the shots.

Think about it from the kids perspective... He goes from having a family, with a mom and dad and sister, to having a home with his mom and a place to visit with his dad. His life is out of control as far as he can see and there is nothing he can do to make any of it make sense. So he wants to try and control what little bit he can. It makes him feel important - like what he says counts and means something to you. No one asked his opinion when his mom and dad split up the family. He wants to know that he's not invisible.

I say, if the guy is controlling and not nice to be around, let your son stay with you. And if he wants to visit occasionally, for short periods of time, let him do that too. The ex doesn't seem to care, so it's not like he's going to fight it. Remember that he sees his life as chaotic and completely out of his control. In my opinion, allow him this little bit of control over the situation, it's obviously making him happier and more comfortable with the both of you.

Your daughter will see this, but I think that's ok. Your son doesn't have much fun at dad's house. It seems like she does. They are probably treated differently there, anyways. As long as she is happy there and treated well, she's going to want to continue to spend as much time there as she can. If, on the other hand, she starts to become neglected or treated badly, then she may not want to go. If that issue ever comes up and the ex wants to fight it, I say, let the courts decide. Yeah, it may be a little bit of a gamble, but so is single parenting, divorce and everything else that goes along with it. We just have to do the best with what we have and know that there are some things that we cannot control. But we have to do our best to control what we can.

Alex,
You are so right on the money. Thank you! My son is one to want to get control over situations in his life. You hit the nail on the head. I bet that is a significant part of what's going on. Thanks! Man, I sure need you guys, need you to come up with little insights like that.

That is a terrific perspective, and I'll be stealing from your brain, inserting into mine. Big hugs, and huge thank you's. Really big lightbulb moment for me.

Charity

I had one instance of dragging him kicking and screaming to see his father. That was in the first week of his father moving out. I wish I had put my foot down then, also.

We'll see about telling him no changing his mind. My ex would flip if he knew I took that approach. He's brought my son home early a few times because my son didn't want to stay any longer. And I appreciate that. It gives me one on one time with him, and he needs that.