My husband was just added as the natural father to his 7 year old sons birth certificate due to lack of communication by both parties. We have since requested school records and found out that he has an enormous amount of unexcused absences and many learning issues (including not doing homework). He is also a year behind already. My question is would it be right to try to seek custody after all this time? He has a sister (not my husbands) that lives with him. We have taken both of them pretty much every summer for the last 5 or so years. We have had custody of his two older children from this same relationship for 7 years. We were given custody due to her inablity to take care of them. But we did not seek custody of this younger child because as I stated before, my husband was not listed as the biological father. Now I feel that we should try to seek custody but my husband is worried about how his little sister would deal with him coming to live with us. We are both wondering what would be best for the child! Any opinions?

Jarenblue,
This is a tough question! I take it they were not married if his name was not on the birth certificate. If yes and the little sister was born while they were married then he is the legal father (that's how it is in the state of Florida).
I would be inclined to think of what is in the best interest of my child. Is the father of the little sis in the picture at all? Will she still be able to see her brother on a regular basis? Can the two of you be proactive with his school and care if he were to remain with his mother and sister?
As I said, tough question because there are two children to consider.
I wish you luck in this very difficult decision.
Carla

Jarenblue,
There are a lot of questions here that come to mind. The most important question is are you going to be able to do a better job and get this child back on the path at school? You sound like you already have your hands full. Also, what do you mean lack of communication between them, when you say you have both those children in the summer anyway. How could there be lack of communication? Does this 7yr. old have a bond with the other 2 children that live with you already?? Are those children going to rebel against this...because if you take him in, he is going to need some immediate attention and hard work and things will be different for the two that already have their space there. We are actually talking about 4 children. Custody is touchy. The mother has already had him for 7 years!! That is his primary grades for learning. What you have to discuss is how is this going to benefit the entire family. I would have to agree with going proactive with this child on the basis of all the good you can do from afar and letting the child stay put. Work to help him. Yanking him from a home, and two people he has known may not be the best for him. This alone could make school even more difficult for him. I would not agree to a custody change if I were a judge. Just my opinion.

Jarenblue,
I stand rightly corrected (it was late) there are 4 children to consider. Thank you Thinker.
Carla

At the time we received custody of the other two, his son was just a baby. She was seeing other people during the time she got pregnant (even though they were married but not living together), and said the child was not my husbands and lied to the hospital. My husband was very bitter at that time and couldn't deal with fact that his wife had a child to another man. So, with no father name listed on the birth certificate, we really thought it was another man's child. As he grew, we could see that he was definetly my husbands, and he kept asking her to legitimize the child. She would not comply and would threaten not to let us have them in the summer time if we sought any court action and as I stated before, the little girl is not my husbands and we would have missed her terribly. We would not stop taking his sister as it is also the sister to my other two step-children that we already have custody of and they all have a wonderful bond!

My husband is a wonderful man and takes great care of all of his children but he does not like to upset his ex or talk about anything with her. She gets really angry, really easy, and her mind changes like the wind. Just two months ago, she said she would not change my step-son's birth certificate for any reason because she was afraid that we would seek custody and then we asked again and she said yes. She is just so unpredictable.

I should mention that we also have three other children (two from my previous relationship and 1 together), plus my two step-children, so going for custody of him would make "6". We have managed well and have raised 5 very loving, social, outstanding, and beautiful children together. I am a stay at home mom and my kids never stay with anyone but family. My children all have excellent marks in school despite the fact that two of our children have learning disibilites.

I am not saying that their mother is a bad person, she is just not able to put her children's needs before her own. The father of the little girl has been around, but very sparatically. She has called my husband "Daddy" since day one. We live 3 hours from them (it use to be 8 hours and then we moved to NC to be closer to them), so being involved on a daily basis, which is what my step-son really needs, is just not an option. We cannot see what is going on when we are not there, we just hear stories, many of them! There have been many men who have come in and out of these children's lives. They move constantly (6 times in the last year). She has had atleast 8 different jobs that we are aware of. We do not know who the children are with while she is at work (if with anyone). One of the reasons we got custody 7 years ago was because she was leaving them home alone. So you can see our concerns are not just with the schooling.

What exactly is your question? Is it still should you seek custody? Three hours is still a great deal of time and handling this from a distance would be difficult but not impossible. If you are sure this is your husband's son, pay for a blood test and do it on your time this summer. If your sure it is his son it should be money well spent. You can then get him added to the birth certificate and ask for rights to help him. She doesn't have to sign for that if you do this the right way. After that though your husband would be responsible for child support. This mother sounds unstable and you could probably prove that... If you are questioning custody. The little girl that gets left there will be lonely. The other problem is she will then wonder why her daddy (Your husband)doesn't want her as well. If your husband is not pushing for this boy to come and live with you I would not push it either. You are disturbing too many lives to change his home. Your children may all bond but living together is a whole new ball game. Summertime is lax and fun, which could be why you see bonds etc. You could pay for this boy to go to a better school, or get tutored. If you don't know who are watching these children... pay someone to do that. You can drive up there once a week and supervise and see that this boy gets things back on track. The mother may not like it but your husband has to get over that and do what is right for all the kids. It sounds to me like you already have made a decision in your mind but want justification that this would be the right thing to do. Only you know what the situation is and you have a lot of factors here to consider. I wouldn't do anything until your husband pipes up and says what he wants for that boy.

Jarenblue,
I read in the first post that he is already named on the certificate so that part's not the problem. Beyond that here goes my input.
I'd say get his son away from there. For whatever the reasons he has that many unexcused absences, that is the mother's fault no doubt, it's supposed to be her responsibility. And it will likely continue on through the years to the point of dropping out entirely before graduating high school. I know I've seen this first hand. Unless the mother has great epiphany and changes the way she is raising the children, odds are his son will have a bleak future from lack of education. I got custody of my daughter 3 1/2 years ago, same type of school attendance, she had older siblings not mine that were raised the same and are both dropouts. Not my idea of a future for my own daughter.
Yes I say if you can provide a more stable, supportive environement in which to grow up and become a productive member of society than I think it is you/your husband's responsibility to try to make that happen, obviously the mother is just not doing her job.
And I'm just about sure that my next response will receive some boo's from others, but, he doesn't have legal rights to the young girl and therefore your hands are tied on that one. We can't save them all, is what I'm getting at, but we should save the ones we can. And we can't beat ourselves up for things that are out of our control.
Good luck.

I am trying to gain insight into what other people in my situation would do. I guess that is the real reason I posted this question. You state in your reply to just "pay" for everything, that would be nice if we had the money. We are already raising 5 children, which that in itself, even though my husband has a great job, takes up most of the money we bring in. So sending money for tutor's and babysitters would not be an option. I work with the school for the extra help my children need, which is what his mother could have done, but didn't care too. Plus, his mother would use it for other things as she has done in the past and not what it was meant for.

As for my husband, he doesn't want the little sister to be left there all alone.

We are talking about a child who is about to turn 8 and he can't even recognize all the letter's of the Alphabet. We expected to see that he was a little behind and that we could work with him over the summer and catch him up, but it goes far beyond that. He needs everyday help, not just once a week help. He also needs to be in school everyday not just when his mom feels like getting up that morning.

As for my other children, adding a new child would be an adjustment to any family, but it happens everyday with birth or adoption.

I see. I wasn't saying to give the money to the mother, just to pay directly, but I understand now. You also mention that your children would be fine with the adjustment. That is good. It doesn't sound like your husband wants to pull him though. I probably at this point would call social services to investigate, letting them know the details of school etc. They would then probably pull both children and the boy would be placed with family first. Probably you. The first thing to find out though would be to make sure this is really your husbands son. First get a blood test. Secondly, and maybe this summer, I would have him tested for dyslexia, and put him in summer school to try to get him caught up. How does this boy compare to the little girl with learning? You're right eight is late to still be learning the alphabet. Calling social services takes the problem out of your control...so to speak, and that mother will not be able to blame your husband. Not that it matters. I would do this asap. If this really is your husbands son you can't just do nothing... and if that is all you can do is fight for custody than I guess that is your answer. Good luck. keep us posted.