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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Custody - Visitation why am I so angry?|
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Parent on Board |
I am trying to figure out why I get myself so worked up over my ex. He went three months without taking our daughter on his every other visitation that is allowed. He claimed he was too sick or had family matters (part of that is true- his father was sick for a while after his surgery.) But the other part is not. My ex was seen by my fahter in town at functions- having a godd ole time but he claimed he couldn't take her those weekends. I just don't get it!
Now my daughter signed up for a sport every saturday am 8 am to 1 pm. She even called him and got his permission and his apporval before she started. And he said no problem. So for the past month she has been doing this. Now all of the sudden, he calls and whats her this weekend. i reminded him she has that actiivty Saturday so he cancels vistation Saturday so she can go, and will only take her Sunday. I get so angry when he is in and out of her life and mine, I guess. You either are a father all of the time or in case an half a-- father. This is not good for her. Her behavior is now under control now as usual she will start acted out again. She wants to go- becasue she loves her father and thats good but what happens the next time he goes three months without taking her or calling. I think sometimes its best if he just doesn't take her but would that be best for her? I just don't know. He already cannot drive with minors- so his girlfriend picks her up and provides the transportation, he only is allowed saturday am to saturday pm and sunday am to sunday pm- no overnights becasue he is not consistent enough for that extended time with her. So, why not take advantage of the time you have with her and not make up excuses for not wanting to take her? Tell me you're too busy rather than too sick. Thanks for letting me vent. |
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Parent on Board |
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Parent on Board |
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"Parent on Board" Forum Board? No- KeyBoard! |
You can't make a man(using the term loosly) be a good father. It actually requires effort and devotion to your kids, a will to sacrifice for their good and not his own.
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Parent on Board |
just an update--he ended up cancelling. Said ge was sick. But I had my daughter call him to talk to him so she could hear from him. And he was seen out with the gf shopping by my mom.
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
jeez...well, to answer the question in the title to your post: You're angry because the father of your child is selfish, and that selfishness is hurting your child.
My son's mother is selfish, and it hurts our son. Heh...I could tell you some of the things that have helped with *our* situation, but honestly it sounds like your guy is a whole level above the woman I deal with in terms of selfishness... Just curious...was his dad around when he was growing up? A lot of absent dads seem to think that what they're doing is OK, because their dad did it to them... Later, Bobby |
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Parent on Board |
Thanks BigBobby for your input. Yes, My ex grew up in a house with both parents very active. I just need to somehow get past his faults (being nice). I wish there was a law that if the father doesn;t take a active role or take is visitations that he loses all rights to his child. I know that would be best for me and her in the long run. What he is doing now (being in and out of her life ) is hurting her emotionally.
I would even sacrafice the cp for him to not mess with her mind. |
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Jeez...so his father *was* around? Man...was his father abusive, or an alcoholic, or...something? Jeez...not like it excuses his behavior, but it seems like he must've learned to be an jackdonkey from *somewhere*...anyway...
When getting my ex to understand and change her behavior, I've found it best to take one point at a time, and try to get it across to her as unemotionally as possible. She usually tries to turn it into how I'm just against her, and I usually have to let a lot of insulting stuff roll off me, but if I robotically keep to my point I can sometimes get her to see what I'm saying... Maybe you can get your ex to understand that canceling his visitation at the last minute, is really hurting a 5yo girl that loves him? If he's like my ex, he'll accuse you of "putting him on a guilt trip" or something...maybe he'll say you're lying�maybe he�ll say he didn�t realize that it was affecting her...but if you keep telling him that you don't want a confrontation, you just want to fix a problem, and the problem is the disappointment his daughter goes through each time she's disappointed when her daddy cancels her visits...maybe you can get him to work with you to fix that problem. Uggh, and I gotta say that it�s *so* hard to not get mad when I�m talking to my ex this way�*so* hard to not react when she gets rude or angry. But ultimately, the most important thing is solving the problem, and retaliating only gets in the way of that goal. I dunno...I'm not a psychologist or anything...I'm just telling you what sort of things I do when dealing with my son's mother. I hope some part of it's useful... Later, Bobby |
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Parent on Board |
Yeah its helpful in a way. But we have no communication. He leaves messages on the anssering machine and when I try to return them he doesn't answer. I have tried writing him (although its only a ten minute drive away) He refuses the mail and I get it back. He never call his daughter, just leaves messages saying he is going to take her. I wrote a note once and sent it with her- he ripped it up in her face and said "my house my rules" The note was simply telling him when she need to wear her glasses and if they were to break to save all the parts so I can get them fixed. I even told him I had email access so if that was better way to communicate. He wants no part of trying to be parent together, so most of the time I make the decisions (but then get cursed afterwards) But I will definitely keep trying to be nice and not be confrontational for my duaghter's sake.
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
jeez...like I said before, it sounds like your guy is a whole level beyond the woman I have to deal with.
Well, maybe you can take comfort in that he's unlikely to be able to keep up this hateful behavior forever. Really...it's going to be 13 years before your daughter's grown. He's gotta get tired of it eventually...just keep doing what you're doing, and maybe eventually he'll just let it go and learn to get along for his daughter's sake. Really...does he have a drug problem, a mental illness, or *something* that might explain his actions? In the absence of these things, I've found the people acting angrily think that they have a genuine gripe...oh, they may not *really* have anything to gripe about, but they think they do, and they think it justifies their behavior. Heh...it's kind of hard to get around the old saying, "two wrongs don't make a right" though (but I don't recommend giving them this advice)... Later, Bobby |
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Parent on Board |
Thanks bobby you sure seem to understand. If we had some communication established I could talk to him but we don't. I have tried leaving messages for him to call me he won;t I even sent a message via letter with my duahgter on visitation for somethiing minor (her new glasses, the rules I told her, and to save all the peices if they break) I wanted us to be consistent in our care form household to household- jsut things like, no swimming with them, now running outside and playing soccer with them, no trampoline, not laying around sleeping in them, etc) He blew up and in fornt of my daughter ripped up to the note according to my 5 year old and said my house- my rules. So if telephone conversations don't work. mail always gets returned, and letters sent with our daughter doesn;t work, how am I supposed to talk to him about my diaghter's well being? I really cannot afford to go to court mediation etc. I am basically raising her on my won without his input or say in anything. He is the "fun one" and I am the mean one the disciplinor thats whats also makes me mad!!!
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Well...I can't say there's anything you really can do. Just wait, and hope he'll come around. He probably will...it's hard to stay mad forever.
Try not to let the things you can't change affect you though... |
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