Hello, I'm looking for someone who has gone through a similar experience as me and who can tell me what has gone on with their custody issues....

I'm trying to figure out "what to expect" from my ex...

We have a 1 year old daughter together. He lives 2000 miles away. I left him before having her because he has drug, alcohol issues that were not being fixed. The court has given me permission to have moved (after I moved). Her father has asked about 5 times in the last year to visit, I say yes, then he doens't get back to me. He says he cares and loves her very much but does nothing about it (no gifts, CS, visits)

He served me with papers and now a custody/CS order are in the process.

I'm wondering what others' experiences have been with an out-of-state father and an infant. Do most fathers come into the picture later on when the child is older? Typically do these situations not work out (he doesn't know her and lives so far away)? When he gets married and has other kids will he even care?

I'm worried that 2 years from now he's going to all of a sudden want to be super-dad...but then disappear again...do you think he'll even have a time when he visits often? or does the father typically have other "stuff" to do?

I just would rather have him truly involved or not at all...right now he's saying he wants to be involved, but is not...

What have other people experienced with this?

Also, for all of you men, what is going through her father's head...is it more trouble than it's worth to visit (it's won't be a happy place up here for him as I , along with all my relatives, dislike him greatly for so much of what he put me through) Should I expect him in the future? When he starts paying CS then will I see him (so he can get something for his money spent)?

PLEASE SHARE with me! I really don't know anyone in similar circumstances!!

Thanks for any info!

It's hard to say, since my situation is different.

I do know that having been the one that was left, that there are feelings of being inadequate. There have also been times (shame on me!!) that I wanted to just up and leave and never look back. My ex only left a few months ago though, and I'm past that phase. I love my daughter so much (she's 6) and I want to be an influence in her life, so I make sure that I am.

Maybe it's easier for dads with infants, they haven't had time to bond with them. Hard to say if he truly has feelings for her since he doesn't follow through on what he says he'll do.

I guess I would have to say, don't expect anything from him, but don't close the door on him either. Let him make the choice of being a factor in his daughter's life. In 10 - 15 years, when your daughter asks what happened to her dad, will you feel good with your answer? I get it that you don't want him to come into play for a little while then abandon her. I don't know what to say about that. I know that my step daughter's dad would get her hopes up and then dash them a week later. He's never been a real factor in her life, other than her wishing he was.

I know I'll be able to tell my daughter that I tried to keep us together, but mom and I just couldn't get along. We are both major factors in her life, so I think she'll grow up seeing we don't get along.

Thank you for responding...It's a really hard situation...he talks and talks, but no actions even closely resemble what he is saying...I just don't want to be hurt...I guess if she has one fully-loving (and obsessed over her!) parent, along with tons of great relatives and "aunties and uncles by choice" she'll be fine...

I just hate not knowing what he is thinking and what his next move will be...he hasn't participated thus far, will he next year? will he visit every month? if he visits then will he want to take her back to his state? for overnights? That would kill me, especially if she doens't know him or feel comfortable with him...

I'm so frustrated with all of this! It is a good way to look at it, as you said, "in 10-15 years when she asks about her dad will I feel comfortable with the answer..." so far, yes, I've given him every opportunity...I haven't fought with him (I refuse to talk to him by phone, only email - but that prevents me from getting too upset)

It's wonderful to hear that you make a concious effort to be an influence in your daughter's life...it's really a tremendous thing to love a child and be loved back...

I wish you all the best. It sounds like you have a terrific environment for your daughter, and a great support system at home, and now here.

If he keeps on being this way, there will probably be times (years from now) that you're daughter will get upset because of him. Try not to let it get to you, as you should be strong for her. It sounds like you will be and you'll always be there for her to lean on. None of what he does or doesn't do is your fault!! This is a big one for me to learn. We can only control what's within our circle of influence, inevitably though the ex will throw a wrench in the works, it's up to us to be confident with the choices we've made and will make so that the wrench doesn't spin us out of control.

My daughters dad lives in another state also. I left before I had her and she is now 6. He has seen her maybe 6 times in the past and right now I couldn't even tell you were he is. Every situation is different but from my experience he never really tried too hard to come see her. Maybe that will change but I don't think so. His family buys her things but only the few times they saw her other then that they don't even send a card for a birthday. She doesn't really understand yet the only thing she knows it that he's far away. She's in kindergarten now and that's when I start to worry about more questions from her. I'm not sure what kind of guy your ex is but my daughters dad also did a lot of talking with no action. It started to get very frustrating. He ended up having another little girl a year later and it's sad cause now my daughter will probably not meet her. I know it's hard right now but be strong and just take care of that little one. You can't force a guy to be a dad i've learned that the hard way. You can only control what happens with you.

Be strong!!

My guess would be that if he is just now serving you with papers, he will get little if any benefit from it. If your daughter is 1 already, and he has never been in her life, the likely hood of them giving him any custody at all is slim to none. Not to mention the fact that he lives 2000 miles away. As far as the CS order, that will be on his hands. Just calm down and relax. It's probably just a ploy to get at you or make you all worked up.

If you can provide any proof of his drug/alcohol problems, you could provide specific information on why you wouldn't want your child having over night visits with him, which in turn would require him to visit with her in your area as opposed to his.

If I were you, I wouldn't take this too hard. It also wouldn't hurt to talk to an attorney, if you haven't already.

-J

My brother...they wouldn't give overnights to his ex until Eli was 3 which meant she'd have to come here or make arrangements vice versa. She's never seen him once in the two plus years since the divorce and he already turned 3. The divorce agreement was written in Texas so it may depend on the state the jurisdiction falls into.

Honestly.....even with my son in the same state and city as his father....my son was a toddler when they tried to start visitations with one another and they have no relationship after about maybe 10 visitations in one year. We haven't heard from his Dad in nearly a year and the child support stopped in September.

Your Ex probably just met a gal who's convincing him to care.

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Your Ex probably just met a gal who's convincing him to care.

I do agree with sky on that. They try to be the hurt one when they get into a relationship (not every guy)

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Originally posted by Sherri79:
They try to be the hurt one when they get into a relationship

What do you mean try to?? Some of us really are the hurt ones....

Thanks to everyone for your responses...you all made me feel a lot better...the truth is I really don't want him in our lives, but I will not get in the way of him being part of our lives...He has never been dependable...

luckily, I do have proof of his drinking problem because of a DUI within the last year...he's lost his license, probabation, fines, etc....he pled no contest so I don't know how that will hold up in the "custody" battle as opposed to an all out guilty finding...

I'm really hoping he has found another woman..not because she would want him to be involved, but the opposite...with him living 2000 miles away what woman would want her partner flying that far to spend the weekend with his ex? and that costs money..if he doens't even buy her Christmas or birthday gifts will he really have money for plane fare? the reality is, he's a very well educated man, had a great job until he recently lost it (I'm not sure why) and comes from a very wealthy family who could definitely afford to buy my daughter a birthday gift...but they don't....

I'd rather they just go completely away (then I wouldn't complain) as opposed to pretending they want to be involved, talking all about it, but in reality doing nothing...

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Originally posted by Trey's Daddy:

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Originally posted by Sherri79:
They try to be the hurt one when they get into a relationship

What do you mean try to?? Some of us really are the hurt ones....

Joey, I think it was meant that the exs who are the ones who left or whatever, they are the ones that try to act like the CS took the child away from them.

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Also, for all of you men, what is going through her father's head...is it more trouble than it's worth to visit

I'm afraid to say that this ailment effects both dads & moms and there is no understanding it. Don't even rack your brain trying to figure it out. I already have to no avail. My daughters Mom hasn't seen her for 8 months now and we live on an island that's only 13 miles long and 6 miles wide.

Hey Trey I did write that I didn't mean everyone. What I was saying was that when some ex's (mother or father) leave and get a new gf or bf they try to make it seem like it was the other person fault you know that they arn't to be blammed. I didn't mean to insult anyone at all. So please don't take it that way!

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he pled no contest so I don't know how that will hold up in the "custody" battle as opposed to an all out guilty finding...

No contest is pretty much the same as a guilty plea.

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Originally posted by Sherri79:
Hey Trey I did write that I didn't mean everyone. What I was saying was that when some ex's (mother or father) leave and get a new gf or bf they try to make it seem like it was the other person fault you know that they arn't to be blammed. I didn't mean to insult anyone at all. So please don't take it that way!

Trust me, it takes a lot to insult this guy....no worries....I already know how that goes....I was accused in court during my custody battle of being spiteful and only wanting custody of my son because his mother was in a new relationship and happy without me.....My attorney and I both chuckled as the judge threatened to hold the witness in contempt if he tried to degrade my character again without knowing who I was prior to that day. It just goes to show that people will do/say whatever they can to not feel guilty or bear the burden of fault.

-J