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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Custody - Visitation Mom or Dad?.. Who should a toddler go to after divorce?|
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I am New to SFV |
Hello, i just joined this site mainly to get answers or openions to a few of my concerns. About a year ago my husband and i decided to devorce after attending counciling and other options. Now our daughter is 3yrs old and my husband feels that he can raise her as good as i could or better. He has hired a big time attorney and they are putting up a good fight. I on the other hand am not so fortunite to have money enough to have someone on my side so they are getting there way. I live in a small Town and theres not much resources for legal aid. I have tried every option presented to me. Anyway my concerns are, seeing as how i dont think i will be winning this case, to those of you who have been thew this and know, meaing Fauthers who have raised daughters and mothers as well, how did it turn out, how are the little girls now, who was better to raise her and what if anything do you wish you could do differently. I just need to know that way i can present my husband with this and show him. I feel hes making a huge mistake. CPS was never involved im not a criminal, i have a full time job working for our county, i live alone, while he still lives at home, and i have never done anything or would do anything to harm my child. anyway i have more to the story if you need it let me know i just need some input. Thanks!
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On the Board |
There's a question sure to raise some controversy!
I know many of the courts commonly cited the "tender years" doctrine which essentially said that younger children were better off with their mother. I have heard that times have changed and, at least theoretically, courts have become less gender-biased. In practice, I think it varies a lot from state to state and even county to county and judge to judge. You're sure to get plenty of opinions on this. There are plenty of single Moms and single Dads out there who have done fine jobs raising young girls. It's easy to bash single Dads as inadequate parents, since Moms have historically been more active in child-rearing. I'm not aware of any scientific evidence that shows that either sex is superior in this regard. My personal opinion is that the "best" parent to raise the child is the one who has been most active with the child-rearing prior to the divorce and who has the most stable emotional and financial situation. I think these are criteria that many of the more objective judges also use. The issue you raise of money and legal fees is an important one. I tried to get custody of my daughter and finally just ran out of money and gave up. I think that the legal realm is one of many in this society where the party with the most money usually wins. The richer party can keep filing motions and counter-motions and petitions and what-not until the poorer party literally can't afford to fight back any more. You know what they say: the only people who win in a divorce are the lawyers! |
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!! |
I would also say that it's not as simple to state whether a mother or father would be the best choice to raise a child. It really does depend on the individuals in question. For my case, my daughter happens to be better off here with me, her father. Why? Simply put her mother is unfit due to her choices in her life. I had no real fight for custody. CPS turned her over to me and I filed for court ordered custody the next day, represented myself in court and it was done.
BDad is right in that sometimes if neither parent is the obvious choice to the court it could easily come down to who can afford to fight the longest. And the courts are further away from where they used to be, that it was just about automatic that the mom would keep the kids. It seems from your post that you would like to get replies that a child would be better raised by the mother, and it's possible that you still might get that opinion. My opinion is, that just based on gender alone, it is a toss-up unless more individual circumstances are known. |
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I am New to SFV |
thank you for your openions. I dont want to give up but i cant afford to keep going, i cry almost everyday at the though that he will will and have my precious baby that in the beginning he wanted me to put up for adoption. i know hes a good father and im a good mother, the only issue here is we both want her. not that either one of us are bad people or make bad decisions, well according to him every thing i do is bad but thats based on his belif, hes LDS (latter day saint) and i choose not to be, but i do believe in christ and go to church just not his. Anyway i appreciate your time. Thank you.
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Well hopefully you will still be retaining joint custody right? Regular visitations and such. I mean regardless of whether she ends up with him for the majority of the time, you both really would be sharing in raising her still.
Hang in there. |
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I am New to SFV |
yes hopefully we can share her as much as possible, but he has mentioned moving away someday... anyway hopefully by then i will have saved up enough money to go back to court. just so i know its fair and not a decision made because i had no one to be my voice. Anyway thanks for your help!
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"Professional Rubber At Your Service.... "At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Good luck alnw! I know that has to be hard, I know it would tear me up if I were you. I hope it all works out and doesn't drag on for too long.
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I am New to SFV |
it is.. thaks for your wishes!
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards |
Alnw,
I fought for 4 long years in a major custody battle. We both have good jobs. I got custody. Simply put, I was her primary care giver. After we divorced I had my own place that she was familiar with and I had family support. Grandparents were around and in her life. I don't think that mattered. I also could financially support her. If you can financially afford her, are stable and have been providing primary care, (even the grunt work at home while your ex sat on his duff watching tv or reading the paper....THAT counted in court. The judge may wonder why he even wants to care for a 3 year old girl when she has a mother. He has to prove you unfit and unable to care for her. As you do him. The person she lives with is going to boil down to her primary care. Who's been caring for her the most time while you've been living together as a famiily. Try to remember all the things that you do for her at home. All the daily things your daughter needs and you give/do for her that he just takes for granted is getting done. Ex). Laundry, meals, reading to her etc. Its going to come down to who has been providing her primary care. As far as moving away. Get that in the divorce/custody papers that she cannot be removed from your county away from the other parent. IMPORTANT!!! He cannot do that. You can sometimes put up a better fight for yourself in court, but remain calm and have notes ready. You will be able to say everything you want in court that day. It is your legal right to do so. Don't worry, everything will work out. Just remain calm and don't look like a crazy person.... but say what you have to say. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts and send positive energy your way. (((HUG))) I know exactly how you feel. Believe me. I know it is overwhelming. Keep the faith. |
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
oops... didnt mean that last post.. anyway thank you thinker for you input... i have been taking lots of notes and thinking about what i want to say alot. i am stable and have an awsome job working for the county having great benefits, and i live on my own, granted my family dosent live here any more but i do still have my siblings here close. He lives with his mother and im not sure hed be able to get out on his own for quite some time yet. anyway, im affraid sence i went to work when she was 6months old to provide for our family because he wasnt, and he stayed home with her that that will count, more than the thangs i do for her when i did come home for the past year she lived with me mostly till he took her in may (mothers day weekend to be exact). and now i can only see her every wend. and every other sat. suppervised visitation and she cannot stay the night. NOT near enough time. but i have been talking to him trying to get some more days of the week to see her. my poor baby crys and crys when i tell her its time to go back to daddys house. she says no mommys house wanna go to mommys house. she trys to bargen with me.. she will say something and i cant quite understand it but shes going on and on then she goes ok, ok. but i just assure her ill see her very soon. and i call her everyday well almost everyday. more than anything im just ready for it to be all over. i know it will never be over but you know what i mean. anyway thank you again for your input.
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards |
Hi,
I don't understand....why do you have supervised visitation? |
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I am New to SFV |
he thinks ill leave with her or something.. hes very parannoid ill do to him what he did to me
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards |
Alnw,
Maybe you can get the visitation taken care of at the same time....You should be allowed some personal time with your daughter provided you won't do anything like that. I hope it all goes well for you....let us know. |
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I am New to SFV |
i will let you all know... the next cort date is october 26th, thats when it will all be decided... takes for your thoughts!
-Nicki |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Custody - Visitation Mom or Dad?.. Who should a toddler go to after divorce?
