When my 12 year old son's father picks him up or drops him off he just walks right into the house and hangs around. I've tried having my son ready to go when he gets here, but he still hangs around and tries to chit chat even though I do not encourage him in any way. I've tried engaging my son in an activity the moment he arrives home, but the father will continue to follow him into the house and invite himself to join. I don't know how to tell the Dad to please not come into the house without sounding antagonistic. Especially since my son idolizes his father and encourages his dad to hang out.

That is unacceptable for him to just walk into your house. Can you have a friend or family member over when he comes and say you have "company" or have your shoes and purse ready and say that you have somewhere to go? Or would it be out of your way to drop your son off at HIS house on these days? He may or may not get the message, you really may have to say something to him about it.

Yes, I agree....be prepared to go somewhere (or make it look like you are going somewhere at that time.) If he doesn't get the hint....tell him firmly yet politely BEFOREHAND that you would like it the next time he comes to pick up your son, if he does so and then leaves. Tell him it is nothing personal it just makes you very uncomfortable.
Stay cordial...yet firm. Afterall, you need your space and one should not just get in it unless invited...that's just rude.
I am friends with my ex-husbands. Yeah, i have 2 to contend with. But we understand each other and have a very open policy between us. That's me though.
Good luck...I'm sure it will work out once you communicate to him what the problem is. And like astarte mentioned....meet somewhere else whether at his house or a local cafe, store, etc.

Peace,

Thank you for the suggestions. I would drop my son off but I also have a 4 year old and will soon have a newborn daughter as well. When I can, though, I will arrange to be on my way out the door when he comes, even if it's just for a walk to the mailbox.

Hey,

Have you tried telling him (privately, not in front of your son) that it makes you feel uncomfortable when he comes in and hangs out after your visits? Do you think he'd be angry or upset? Typically men don't pick up on signals such as having your son ready to go. Direct statements are much more effective. It doesn't need to be antagonistic; just explain that it's uncomfortable for a woman to make small talk with her ex-husband and you'd appreciate it if he limited the time to what's necessary for the exchange of your child. Using the third person description like that can make it seem less personal.

I'm always a voter for polite honestly, over avoiding the situation. Pretending to be on your way out...well...that's avoidance. Do you think that you could keep that up for the rest of your son's childhood?

Later,
Bobby

BigBobby is right, looking like you are leaving is avoidance....he has a great suggestion....this is the way to go. You are being forthright and open. Chances are---he just doesn't know it bothers you and you will need to communicate that to him.
Keeping a friendly demeanor is always best...it works well for me.

Peace,

The reason that I'm not comfortable being direct with my ex-husband is because he is passive aggressive, and will try to convey to my son that he wants to be a nice guy and hang out and spend more time with him, but he can't because I don't want him in the house.

You could always do what I used to do when I had issues. Be outside in the front yard when he arrives to not only pick up but t also drop off your son. Once your son is home, or in his care, simply walk inside. It is illegal for him to enter your house uninvited. Make sure to stay firm and make him realize this is a boundary you are not going to allow him to cross.

quote:

Originally posted by runawaybunny:
The reason that I'm not comfortable being direct with my ex-husband is because he is passive aggressive, and will try to convey to my son that he wants to be a nice guy and hang out and spend more time with him, but he can't because I don't want him in the house.

Well, no matter what you say or do, he's likely to understand that you do not want him in the house and you're preventing him from doing so. It'll probably be confusing to your son as well, as he's encouraging it. Maybe it'd be best to explain to your son that it makes you feel uncomfortable, especially if your ex is likely to bring it up with him anyway. You son probably doesn't understand how divorced parents can be uncomfortable around each other.

Heh...and I'll let go of the advice after this post. I just don't see too many times that honest discussion is not the best option.

In order to give you an accurate idea of what I'm dealing with I'll explain. This man has no life. He has no woman, no friends and only works 4 days a week. His entire existence is consumed by being the "fun parent." He's the type of person who will invite my son to do something super cool when it's my day to have our son, knowing I won't want to give up my time with him. Then my "ordinary" plans seem like misery. If I plan a vacation, I can't even tell my son where we're going in advance because if I do the Dad will "coincidentally" arrange to take him to the same place first. I just want to keep him out of my house without giving him more ammunition to use in manipulating our son.

Heh...well, I can certainly sympathize with you for your difficult-to-deal-with ex.

Uggh...and I'm trying to not be antagonistic giving my opinion on this...

I'm just saying...if your son wants him to visit, and he wants to visit...I dunno if you'll be end the situation without outright telling him that it's unacceptable for him to be hanging around your home. It seems the most important part of this, is helping your son to understand how inviting his father over can make you uncomfortable.

Trust me that my ex is pretty hard to deal with, but not addressing issues with her head on usually means they just go on forever...