Hi, All!
I'm new here. I'm a single mom of two daughters ages 11yrs and 18 mons. I'm looking for some help/advice on how to deal with my 18 mon old's father.
We were never married and never lived together. We broke up 6 months before she was born. He lives 3 hours away and has been in and out of her life. Now he's demanding that I start adjusting her to shared custody. There hasn't been any court order custody. The guy verbally/emotionally abuses me and harasses me with emails and letters. I'm becoming scared that his abuses will turn physical. I've talked with local agencies, they all tell me there's nothing I can do until it turns to physical abuse. Because of his behavoir toward me, I've had lawyers telling me not to file any type of custody orders that would only allow this guy to be able to take her.
Anyone in the same situation? Or any advise?

If he's being abusive, be it physical or otherwise, I would just cut him off. If he truly wants to be in this little girl's life then he'll have to retain an attorney, pay court costs, all kinds of things like that. When and if he does that, he'll be required to pay child support so if he's as self absorbed as he sounds, he won't want to shell out the cash to do all this.

If he does get an attorney there are all kinds of stall tactics you could employ like insisting on a DNA test. The beauty of the court system is, if he files any kind of papers against you, you can probably get an attorney for free. Drag things out long enough and he'll either lose interest or run out of money. Well at least that's what most non-custodial parents end up doing.

Wow, what a situation....first off, it is sad, but it is true, there is nothing that you can do until it becomes physical abuse. You can contact your local HOPE agency, at least that's what it's called here. It's an agency for domestic violence. You can discuss with them your concerns, and if they feel that you verbal and emotional abuse is an issue, they will file a restraining order on your and the babies behalf.

One thing that you need to be careful of is preventing him from seeing her. This can come and bite you in the butt should you eventually go to court. Depending on how your situation is, whether he is the biological father, whether he signed the birth certificate, whether you signed an acknowledgment of paternity etc etc etc, he could possibly have as many rights to the child as you do.

If you can present your attorneys with any proof of his harassment etc etc, there is a possibility that they could use that to get him out of your hair if it's even only temporary.

My concern here is that if an attorney is telling you not to file, they more than likely don't feel you have a very strong case. What I was always told by my attorney was that when we went to court, if one parent was seeking full custody, then that is the way it will end up....one of the two parents getting full custody. Joint custody automatically gets thrown out due to the admittance of the parent filing for full custodies admission that there is no way that joint custody will work. Now that being said, should it go to court, there is always the possibility that the decision could be against you. Although it is highly unlikely, when you go to court it is a gamble. You better be on your toes and be able to present the strongest case you can as to why you should have custody.

-J

Thanks!
He is paying child support. Even though his name is not on the birth certificate, he did sign a paper verifying he's the father.
Just yesterday I talked with a counselor and legal advocate about the emotional/verbal abuse. They are the ones that told me I need more to file a protection from abuse. Physical abuse.
It just seems like PA laws are more for the father's rights, no matter how messed up the father is, than they are for the right/welfare of the child(ren).

quote:

I've had lawyers telling me not to file any type of custody orders that would only allow this guy to be able to take her

I understand the reasoning behind such advise but this is pretty ignorant advise coming from an attorney. Fact is without any thing from the court if you let him take her to the store he can keep her and you are the one who will be fighting to see her. If he is the father, and has signed paternity papers and is paying support he has just as much right to his daughter as you do. Yes filing custody papers would elicit a response from him I'm sure but in that interum you would have more control over her than he does. Right now you have no right to keep the child away from him and if you did it would come back and burn you in court. You need a smarter attorney and you need to protect yourself and your child and you also need to realize that if he is trying to be a father the court will let him to some degree, which is only right unless he abuses the child. Right now you're open for more trouble than if you start custody action.

It maybe that the courts have seen where the mother was lying about the father.
It happen to me and I had to jump though hoops to prove I was a good father, yes there are more and more states looking out for the fathers rights now.

What you need to do is get a paper trail going.
no paper trail, no contest.

Oh "She" wanted full custody, I wanted joint.
I won.

Dawg

quote:

Originally posted by FlyingDevildog:

Oh "She" wanted full custody, I wanted joint.
I won.

Grats on that....Illinois is one of the states that is pushing hard for fathers rights as well. From what I was told it is rather rare for Joint Custody to be granted when one parent is seeking Full Custody, UNLESS the reasons for seeking Full Custody are unfounded, which from reading your posts Dawg, I would say that is very much the case with you.

Congrats again.

-J

quote:

I understand the reasoning behind such advise but this is pretty ignorant advise coming from an attorney. Fact is without any thing from the court if you let him take her to the store he can keep her and you are the one who will be fighting to see her. If he is the father, and has signed paternity papers and is paying support he has just as much right to his daughter as you do. Yes filing custody papers would elicit a response from him I'm sure but in that interum you would have more control over her than he does. Right now you have no right to keep the child away from him and if you did it would come back and burn you in court. You need a smarter attorney and you need to protect yourself and your child and you also need to realize that if he is trying to be a father the court will let him to some degree, which is only right unless he abuses the child. Right now you're open for more trouble than if you start custody action.

I don't know about that maybe it depends on what state you are in but i know that in my case I was never married to either father and there is no custody agreament but I have full custody becuase I am the mother. Thier dad's can't just come to my house and take them without permission. So I don't agree with that but like I said it maybe different where you live.