I'm sure these questions have been asked many times before but please bear with me.
My first court date is coming up at the end of January. It is to establish paternity and I'm not sure but I think we discuss custody and child support. I'm just wondering what usually goes on during this first court appearance so I can be a little more prepared and if anyone has any advice on what I should bring or have prepared that would help a lot.
I'm struggling with the custody issue. He left shortly after I was pregnant and has never met our daughter. I would like sole custody of my daughter and I'm confident that the Judge would grant that to me. As far as visitation rights I'm really struggling with that fact. As of right now my feelings are that I don't want him to have any visitation rights. Yet I would like him to pay child support. I moved back with my parents who have helped out a lot with my daughters needs. I just started my new job and things are going really well. Now there is a 2 1/2 hour distance between me and her father and I don't want her traveling at such a young age, nor do I want her to be staying with him. And if he does visit I want to be there at all times. AND I would prefer that his girlfriend is not around for now. To be honest I don't feel that he would be a good person to have in her life. I have no idea what kind of a father he would be like. I also have to mention that he has another son that I didn't know about until after I told him I was pregnant. I'm not sure if he pays child support with him, and I have a feeling he doesn't have contact with his son. I never got the chance to ask him (or felt comfortable asking him at the time) There are so many questions and so many outcomes and I'm starting to get a little worried and paranoid that he may try to get custody. I know that I'm probably overreacting but I'm sure lots of others have felt the same way....right? I would really appreciate some feedback and any advice you have. Thanks!

How it usually works is the first court date for paternity he will have the option to sign in agreement that he is the father, or be ordered to have a DNA test done.
Have you filled out income paperwork yet? Depending on how they do it there since it can vary from state to state there's a good chance that he already has filled out the income paperwork. If so and he stipulates to paternity, admits to being the father, they might just come up with a support amount/order right then. If not they will set another date to determine and order the support.
Visitation is an entirely different thing in the court. He will need to file for visitation and have that decided separately. However you will likely not get a judge to disallow visitation unless he were a real threat somehow to your daughter and even then it would probably be supervised visitation, and that doesn't necessarily mean that YOU would be supervising unless both parties agreed to it. And if he was some sort of threat to your daughter it would actually be quite likely that a neutral party would be the "supervisor"
With all that said, just because you don't feel that you want her around him isn't a very good reason for not wanting to allow visitation. Children really should have the involvement of both parents whenever possible as long as they are not in danger being with either parent.
Have others felt similar? Most definitely. Sometimes it's with good cause and honestly, sometimes it's because there's still certain personal "grudges" because of the other parent leaving the relationship without much substance as to why the other parent shouldn't be allowed visitation. Only you, and the courts, can determine the situation in your case. You haven't written much about why you don't want him to have visitation other than you feel that he wouldn't be a good person in her life.....why???

I never had to go to court, but I did purchase a book called "Unmarried Parents Rights" which is extremely helpful. They have sections on every state too, you can find it on amazon for a decent price.

Are you nursing? That is taken into account when they are deciding visitation, they will not create a schedule that will interfere with it.

As far as the girlfriend being around, I feel your pain, but unless she has a history of child abuse, lengthy criminal record or something else in that category it might be really hard to get a judge to enforce that. I know it's awful to think about, my ex brought his new girlfriend to my hospital room the day after I gave birth, there is no word to describe how angry I was. But that is something that we both are going to have to learn to deal, because unless your ex gets denied partial custody or visitation, chances are she's going to be in the picture.

My best advice on that is to get to know her. Amy has a really good relationship with her children's stepmom (at least that's what I have surmised from reading her posts). And even if you don't end up getting along at all, you might find out something about her that would justify not wanting her around your child.

Good luck!

As far as the girlfriend there is little you can do. My ex's mistress lost permanent custody of her oldest child because he raped her youngest child! The best I could get was the mistress can not be unsupervised around my daughter and her daughter can have no contact with my daughter until my daughter reaches age 4 and has been through *** abuse prevention classes.

Luckily for me when my ex-in-laws found out about this woman and her history, they stepped in and have made all the visits at their house.

It is nearly impossible to restrict who your ex can have around your child.

I've started to fill out the paperwork now that I have more information with income and such. I guess I know that it is probably more of my grudge against him that would push me towards not having him be there.
After I told him I was pregnant he still went out a lot, always smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. I will say he never appeared extremely drunk, he just continued to stay in the party scene which I obviously got out of right away. I just got the impression that it was probably going to continue and I would be left at home by myself. During this time I was living with my best friend and she was gone for christmas break. He said he had to move out of his apartment because the store below was turning it into storage. I kinda found this to be suspicious and wonder if maybe he was evicted. I never asked and I guess I'll never know. So I let him stay with me for the weekend but that he had to find a place before my roommate got back. I didn't want to have her come into her own place and see him living there. He then said he found a house to rent....for us. I think he just expected me to move out, leave my best friend and my responsibilities to her and our apartment, and live with him. That I think was the point when I pushed him away when I know I really should have talked things thru. He found a place to store his things (which coincidentally was the place of his now girlfriend) and stayed with a buddy. After that we stopped talking.
My roommate actually was the one who found out about his new girlfriend thru her roommate. She said that he was basically "squatting". With all of these different things that happened: Suddenly moving out of his apt, late nights drinking and smoking, irrational decisions, and sudden loss of contact, that is why I have these thoughts and worries about agreeing to visitation rights. He's 28 years old with degrees in History and French yet he is still working as a waiter. He doesn't seem to have motivation and isn't very responsible. I know I"m sounding very judgemental. This is just my side of the story. There are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently. I wish I would have expressed my feelings more but I was very overwhelmed at the time and just couldn't say anything.
Don I realize that she should have him involved in her life. I guess its just the fact that we're finally starting to get settled, I'm getting my career back on track, and starting to be able to support my daughter with less help from my parents. I guess I'm just not looking forward to another curve ball, you know?
As far as the girlfriend thing. My best friend is actually in nursing school with her. She says she's a ***ch and doesn't really like her but I know that my friend probably bias toward me. I hope that she is a good person. I'm just afraid of her trying to take on the role of "mommy".
I guess I'm also just dreaming that soon I would meet my future husband and he would be the father (daddy) that she deserves, before she realizes that someone is missing, make sense? Just daydreams I guess.
I hope that these details I've shared give you a better idea of why I have these feelings. Its actually nice to get an unbiased opinions so thanks for your help. So far I've received some really good advice and I'm glad I chose to join this network. Alright enough venting....my fingers hurt.

Have a Happy New Year!

Sarah

Sarah,

I wouldn't worry to much right now. It takes effort and sacrifice to be involved in your child's life and it doesn't sound like he's making any effort unless you are saying you pushed him away more than once repeatedly over repeated efforts? that would mean he would have to use the court to see his child.

Don't feel badly for having those feelings. I've had them when I got a divorce and realized my EH was more talk than effort.

Good or bad, your child has the right to know their father unless he is extremely harmful to her.

Not a bad idea to do your homework and find out if he had any arrests and what your ideas of visitation should be. I've added a drinking clause that he cannot drink in front of the children at any time and looked into cohabitation with other partners.

I just want to give my opion about visitation. I have a 10 yr old son who father was never in his life until recently. By his own choice, I hated this man for years. He left my life when my son was 7months old. Can back out of the blue stating he's sorry and he want to get know his son. At first I had the attitude like since he was'nt in his life all these yrs. See him when he turns 18, but I had a long talk with my son and. My son wanted to get to know him so, I put my feeling to the side for my son. So we went to court and came up with an reasonable visitation schedule for now. Every other saturday no over nights. I am not ready for that yet. So far it's going okay my son met his other siblings and cousins.I even let him spend a few hours on christmas day with him.I say a long he is not a danger. I would give him a chance if he is willing. Even if you want the visits supervised in the beginning .

Tessmit thats good advice about the drinking clause. I will definitely have to talk about that when that comes up. And as far as any effort, I guess I pushed him away when I just found out, still had to tell my parents. Then after that went over, I was ready to figure our life out together and I just didn't hear from him. Well I actually got a text message maybe a month later saying "whats crackin" ??!?! and then a phone call maybe 2 months later...at 2:30 in the morning on a sunday, probably after a night at the bars. After that I never heard a thing. We probably lived a mile apart and I didn't hear anything, never stopped by. I made efforts to talk to him for a month and then gave up. I guess I could have tried harder but its too late now. I hate that I feel regret, wishing I didn't push him away, didn't give up contacting him, answered his 2am phone call. I try to tell myself no regrets but I have them. It stinks.

Oye...New subject...I'm wondering if they do a DNA test how long does that take? Is it confirmed that day? I'm just curious about how long this process will take. So far I've tried to get everything really organized in a big binder. From my budget to pay stubs, insurance, all the court info. And I still don't know what I'm doing. The day is getting closer and closer. I just don't want to be emotional. I know I'm going to be. I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. I know I need to keep myself composed but there's a part of me that could go all WWF on his behind, body slamming, throwing chairs, the people's elbow...haha. I know I'm going to try and give him the benefit of the doubt but its definitely going to be a challenge.