Hi everyone! I'm new to the forum and would just like to hear some of your views. I have a preteen who is starting to rebel and I think its closely related to her father's inconsistency. We all live together (Not for too much longer) but she sees him about the same as when we didn't live together. This is really taking a toll on her. The first thing she does when she awakes is looks for him and asks if he came home. I have told him time after time that not spending time with her is really hurting her. He can walk in the door and not acknowledge her but come back and ask her something but still hasn't said hello. When she asked to go out and do something he says probably tomorrow and never initiates it the following day. She now says to me what's wrong with me that he doesn't want to be around me. I assure her that he loves her and that she is our first born and nothing can take the place of that but what more can I say I am sick and tired of covering for him. We have other children but they are younger and more concerned with playing. It is good enough for them to be picked up briefly and then left alone since they feel the need to return to playing.

Most recently I have decided after many hours of thought that the best thing would be to totally cut off the relationship until he is ready to be a father. We hadn't always lived together and I can honestly say I can count on both my hands not using every finger how many times he had picked her up and took her somewhere over a 6 year period. I am just looking out for her and at this critical time (puberty, boys, friends, overall relationships) in a child's life I need to make sure the foundation for the upcoming teen years is sturdy. I haven't said anything to him about it yet but just feel it is best. A girl's first interaction with a male is from the father figure in her life. I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's okay if a boyfriend or husband breaks a promise, doesn't come home, doesn't return your calls, walks by you without speaking, and so on. I explain to her that all that she sees is not acceptable for mommy or any women. But after many conversations with her and the same with him i feel as though the best way to safeguard my children from past experiences with him is to cut everything until he is sure he is ready to be a father. Like I said i reached this decision after many hours of thought. No haste and without anger and when it all comes down to it they both can put the blame on me and I'll deal with it when it comes.

Hi allgirlz, welcome to the forum. Sounds like she could very well be acting out from the living situation. Especially since you do say that she's asking the type of questions that she is. If you're all living together but he's out running around and ignoring the family when he's there then a change just might do some good.

Thanks Don! I believe I'm making the right decision.

I don't know if i am being bitter and if i am just missing parts of the story but why is he living with Y'ALL again?! Maybe he is helping with rent or bills, etc?? but there are resources to cover those things--- you should really get him out of that house so you can deal w/ issues b/t her and yourself- instead you are dealing w/ not only that but covering his butt... he lives w/ y'all (my EX would kill for that) and it seems like yours is just taking advantage of it. Which hurts me just reading it..you are sooo right when you say-- You as a woman have to show your daughter those things about how a man should keep his promises and how a man should respect not only his wife or ex wife but his DAUGHTER!! by allowing him to live there even after the latest events- she is confused and frusterated-- i think if you are ready to have him out and he really is just taking up space and causing confusion- get him out of there and start fresh- focus on your mother-daughter relationship --- weather it's good or bad- just to keep her understanding that she is worth it- even if HE doesnt show it-- she is worth it TO YOU!

i don't mean to be so blunt or bitter or bitchy or whatever it sounds like but i wish a man could be us for one hour and understand the chaos they cause with just silence and with not using their brain and their heart- ugh... i'm sorry you have to go thru this-- You sound like you have good ideas and you are doing a great JOB__ remember God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. GOODLUCK!! GOD BLESS