Hello all. Good to see you all again. I guess the fact I haven't been here for a while means I'm doing a little better with the NCP thing.

From time to time I get statements from my daughter to the effect that "I wish I could live with you all the time. You're nicer than Mommy." Or today she said, "Don't tell Mommy, but I love you more than Mommy." She's 5-1/2.

I'm not sure how to respond to these kinds of statements. While it warms my heart deeply to hear how much she loves me, I don't feel like it is a realistic situation to pursue legally, as much as I'd like that. As far as I know, her mother is a "reasonable parent", i.e. she's not a drug-abuser or anything awful.

My usual response had been something along the lines of "I wish that we could do that, but I don't think that's possible. If you asked Mommy about it, she wouldn't want that, and she loves you too."

Any other suggestions?

We're off to Michael's store to make some crafts, then the state fair.

Peace. :cupid:

I think you just keep doing what your doing. My girls are all right around that age and they live in the moment. They've told both of us at different times the same things.

Lately it is more Daddy yells too loud, etc. But there was a time they would say I was the mean one. Unfortunately, to them I'm sure I am. I have to get them up in the morning and get them to eat, dress, brush teeth, etc. then take them to daycare which they don't love doing nevermind in the summertime. I am the one that can't be home with them. I get them afterschool and again, mean mommy because at 5pm I'm not willing to set up a playdate, I need to clean out lunchbags and get dinner. It is the daily duties and basically "making them do things they don't want to" that make me the "mean parent" ya know. They are too young to realize what is actually mean vs. nice nor what love is actually made of. I mean, they love me a LOT when we go for icecream. They don't love me anymore when I send them to their room for hitting because somebody touched their toy.

My kids really wanted to live with Daddy when I suddenly had to start work and leave them in daycare all day long and with him they went to the zoo, the park, chucky cheese, the aquarium, etc. And heck, who wouldn't!

BDad, good to see you again.
What Sue says is true. And pretty much the reason why judges won't even listen to the wants of children at such a young age still.
I am glad to hear that you are settling in better to being the NCP, and things are going well in those regards. Just another reason you really could check in more often to possibly help others that might be in the same place you were to learn that it can be alright with time It's that voice of experience thing

Perhaps you could even help her realize why it might seem that mommy isn't as nice, kind of along the lines of what Sue has already talked about. While a child is doing the more mundane routines through the week, it isn't as much fun and can be easier for them to feel the other parent isn't as nice. Perhaps tell her she could possibly end up feeling the same way if she were going through those usual routines while there with you instead, I really don't think she's too young to begin understanding that concept. Feel great about hearing her tell you how much she loves you, and then be sure to assure her that mom and dad both love her very much.

Have a great time this weekend.

Hi Bdad,

I have shared custody of my two boys. My youngest has lately been telling me that he really wants to live with me all the time. It's difficult to explain 'the big picture' situation to a 7 year old. I'm not prepared to go back to court and fight for full custody when my son is too young to be heard by the courts.

I'm still suprised to see so many situations where the father does not at least have shared custody.

In any case, when my son tells me he loves me more or that his father is mean... I ask him why he thinks his father is mean and I do not acknowledge the "I love you more part" .. I don't ever want my son to think he should love either one of us more. (I'm sure his father is not that unbiased!) ...

I always want to make sure that his father is not mis-treating him. Recently, my son told me his father called him stupid. I told him that it was not true, and that his father should NEVER tell him that. To my knowledge, that is the worst thing his father does...and typical of the behavior my ex exhibited while we were still together. One of the reasons I left and why our oldest son has nothing to do with his father.

It's not enough to go to court with .. yet.

It's good to hear that you are feeling better about your situation... I am fairly new here - so I am not aware of how you felt in the past. Time does help with most things.

I think all we can do is be the best parents possible in whatever our situation may be, and always take the high road!

I'd be careful though in how you word things with her.. ie: your word against mom's word. For example:

"I wish that we could do that, but I don't think that's possible. If you asked Mommy about it, she wouldn't want that, and she loves you too."

- This can imply that mommy is the one that is preventing your child from getting what she wants: to live with daddy. It doesn't sound like a mutual decision and I think children need to know that both parents are on the same page when it comes to decision making. Even if theoretically, it WAS her choice (I don't know your situation) it's best that our children aren't exposed to that.

How about saying something like, "As much as I'd love to have you live with me, your mommy and I feel it's best that you live with her for now. Maybe when you're older, we can talk about this again and see what we can come up with."

- "You're nicer than Mommy."
Why don't you ask her what makes you nicer than mom? With the answers she gives you, try and have her understand why her mom does the things she does. Remind her that if she were to live at your house, you'd have similar rules that she'd have to follow as well.

"Don't tell Mommy, but I love you more than Mommy."
At first I'd acknowledge the love she has for you but then I'd remind her on how it feels if mommy were to hear her say these words. It's ok to love both parents differently but it's not ok to favour one over the other. Even if it's how we really feel, it's not polite to say so. I'd tell her that both parenst love HER equally and both try their very best in their own way to give her the love and support that she needs.

Ah Jes it's not often I disagree with you but I must here.

Wow...BDad...so good to read your words again. You did the right thing and said the right thing. I've used those words many times. Your girl is just expressing how happy she is when she says "more than mommy".

quote:

"and she loves you too."

BDad, re-enforces mom's love there....nothing negative about that.

This is just a little girl expressing herself in the few words and ideas that has learned so far to say "daddy...I'm walking on air...thanks for coming and getting me." If she was about 15 years older it would be more along the lines of " dad that was da bomb! we gotta do this more often." But it is a testament to the wonderful job BDad is doing. Unconditional love. Awesome!

Ok, I hear you. I also think that when our children say such things as, "Don't tell mom/dad but.." it's not always wise to encourage it - of course depending on it's seriousness. Maybe it WAS out of saying, "Dad I think you're cool" but I read it more as in "Dad you're better than mom". lol I guess we're just going to have to disagree on this one jay!

I guess we will Jes.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

I guess I would have some issues with some of the advice miss jes is giving. You're basically saying that being polite is more important than being truthful. I can't say that I agree. I've seen similar advice in one parenting book, stuff like "Never say this or that to your child". I think my child deserves to hear the truth.

Anyway, I WOULD rather have my daughter live with me all the time, and went broke trying to make that happen, so why should I possibly tell her it was a mutual decision, which would be an outright lie?

But I have told her the kind of things you and others have mentioned, such as how easy it is for me to spend more time with her since I see her on the weekend, and how I'd be busy at work all day if she lived with me.

Is there ever an age when the courts do take the child's feelings into account for custody issues?

I miss my daughter so much since dropping her off yesterday.

No offense MJ, but I have to agree with JD and BD, let a child express themselves, and tell them the truth in an age appropriate way, as long as the truth isn't a bash fest against the other parent.

BD, I don't know what state you are in but in Iowa there is no longer an age for a minor where they can decide to live where they want. Under extrodinary conditions a judge will let a child testify, but they don't like it, they want the children as far removed from the conflicts of the parents as possible.

If you truly believe that your daughter would benifit from 50/50 custody, and it wouldn't cause you to great a financial hardship than by all means you should try and get that. But if you would be broke, and presumably your wife would be too after an expensive court battle than your daughter would not benifit from that (I know this from experience). If on the other hand you could find an attorney pro bono (they do exist), or you think you could handle it your self, than go for it, you could also try mediation. I wish you the best of luck.

quote:

Originally posted by BDad:
[qb]
I guess I would have some issues with some of the advice miss jes is giving. You're basically saying that being polite is more important than being truthful. I can't say that I agree. I've seen similar advice in one parenting book, stuff like "Never say this or that to your child". I think my child deserves to hear the truth.

Anyway, I WOULD rather have my daughter live with me all the time, and went broke trying to make that happen, so why should I possibly tell her it was a mutual decision, which would be an outright lie? [/qb]

I'm not saying to lie to your daughter by any means and by remaining neutral will only avoid any confusion and obligation a child may develop. As I've said, I don't know your situation beyond this post so I'm not sure as to all the details. What I do know is that your daughter is a child that doesn't need to know the ins-and-outs of the custody proceedings. Parents should make the attempt of working as a team, despite living their own seperate lives. It's hard to achieve this sometimes because emotions tend to get in the way with that.

I don't know. Implying that either parent is the cause (blame) of any given situation is not healthy for a child to know. She can express her feelings to you about how she feels but I think having her understand why she's in the situation that she is without airing out the dirty laundry makes you the responsible parent. She doesn't need to know that it was mom's fault as to why she's not living with dad. It puts her in the go-between. So for example, the next time your daughter tells you that she loves you more than mom, I'd tell her thank you and rephrase what she's trying to say, ie: "Daddy, I love you because.." or "Mommy hurts me because.." It's more productive and it elliminates any finger pointing. It also teaches her positive way of thinking and she'll thank you for it in the end.

Sorry, that's just where I'm at with that.

Oh and by the way, please don't mistaken me for thinking that you're bashing her mother. I can see you're being as supportive as you can be with her. I just think we have to be cautious in how we respond to our aching children when they approach us with such sensitive issues.

Best of luck in all you do.

quote:

Originally posted by dalilamakarma:
[qb] let a child express themselves, and tell them the truth in an age appropriate way, as long as the truth isn't a bash fest against the other parent. [/qb]

Thank you. You couldn't of said this any better. I agree.

I think I see your point, Miss Jes. Thank you.

I can see how pinning the blame on one parent might not be in the best interests of the child.

I guess I just feel so sad when my daughter tells me she wishes she could live with me all the time, 'cos really, that's what I want too, and I know it can no longer be a reality.

quote:

Originally posted by BDad:
[qb] I can see how pinning the blame on one parent might not be in the best interests of the child.

I guess I just feel so sad when my daughter tells me she wishes she could live with me all the time, 'cos really, that's what I want too, and I know it can no longer be a reality. [/qb]

Well I guess I've taken on a more personal approach with this. When I was a child my mom used to tell us what a loser our dad was. As an adult, I know she was right but as a child it was very hard to swallow. I have yet to say anything negative about my ex to my son. I'm VERY cautious on anything I tell him. I will not lie but I will not burden him with the exact truth either.

It's always so rewarding to hear our children validate how great of a job we're doing, especially during those trial times. And even though deep down we're proud to be the better parent, it's competitive and it's unhealthy to dwell upon. It's really not about us anyway. It's about the well-being of our children - bottom line.

Huggs to ya and I'm glad you can at least understand my perspective.