I love my mother. She is my best friend. We share many secrets with each other (and then again, there are many we dont!! LOL) I have always had a very open and pretty honest relationship with my mother. (there are just somethings that moms dont need to know!! LOL) That being said, my mom has always made it known that she does not like the fact that I try to have a relationship with my father. My parents divorced when I was 1 1/2, and I did not meet my father until I was 17. My mother remarried, and my step dad has been just that- my "dad". Funny thing is, he is not jealous at all of me wanting a relationship with my father- but it kills my mother!

My father lives in Michigan (and I in Florida) I have not seen my father for EIGHT years! He is coming for a visit at the end of October. I am excited. I have not seen my father in EIGHT YEARS!! But, I am sad as well. From the start, I kinda got the vibe that I was more of a side trip. His new girlfriends daughter just moved here to FL- and they are coming to see her. "We can swing by and see you while we are there" is why my father told me. Oh, thats nice- he will "swing by" to see me. *roll eyes*

Well, I talked with my father this weekend- and sure enough, he says "Well, we should have enough time for a nice dinner" Oh really?? Thats it- after eight years, he has enough time for his only daughter to have a "nice dinner"! I know I know- be happy and thankful for the time I do get to see him- and I am, I just hate feeling like a side item in his life.

So, Monday morning, I take my daughter to my moms. I had a few extra minutes, so I start to tell my mom about the conversation with my dad. She blows up on me. Starts ranting and raving about how she doesnt understand how he can have no time for me, blah blah blah! You know, all the things *I* am feeling- but trying not to, all the negative things I dont want to hear. So, I told her "Look, everytime I bring up my dad, you have something negative to say I dont wanna hear it anymore!" Oh, of course, she says "Its not every time!!" *roll eyes* Whatever!! I told her "Its about respect- can you please respect the fact that I dont want to hear the negatives from you!" and her response?? "Well, you should just respect that I want to say it"

I ended up walking out- and nothing else was said. Why cant she respect that I dont wanna hear negative things about my father. I already feel those things, and I am trying not to- I dont need her pushing it in my face as well!! Oh please oh please- may I never be so disrespectful to my daughter when she gets older. I hope to be the kind of mother that she can talk to openly about her father-without me throwing in the negatives!

Yikes! Honestly I dont think its any of our moms busiess who you have a realtionship with!

That being said...good luck

Mom is trying perhaps to overprotect you. I think that she feels you deserve alot more than what your father is giving you and maybe she feels you will get hurt in the process.

You are still her little baby, even though your not a baby, and totally understand your frustration. Just a thought though, that you are still her little girl who maybe she is trying to protect. Wether it is right or wrong, I am not defending if it is or not.

Even though you felt the negativity, and you didn't want her to reinforce that negativity, she most likely picked up on it, knew how you were feeling probably knowing you very well.

She may also be harboring some hurt feelings towards him.
If it was me I would not go out of my way to be avaiable for him when he swings through town to see his girlfriends daughter. I would not want to be considered a side item either.
Like my mother's father was never there for her and now all of the sudden she has this "relationship" with him at 47. None of her sisters (my aunts) have a relationship with him because he was never there for them when they needed him. But now all of the sudden he wants a relationship. To me thats ****!
I know if my father wanted a relationship with me today I would be like WHAT-EVER! You were not there for me when I needed you what the heck do you want from me now?
Maybe I am just negative and hostile.
I have tried to email my dad but he never responds. Doesn't help that his "new" wife doesn't like me for some reason (only met her 1 time) and I am married to a black man (they are the biggest racists in the WORLD!).
I'm like whatever, you live your life and I will live mine.

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know if my father wanted a relationship with me today I would be like WHAT-EVER! You were not there for me when I needed you what the heck do you want from me now?
Maybe I am just negative and hostile.
I have tried to email my dad but he never responds. Doesn't help that his "new" wife doesn't like me for some reason (only met her 1 time) and I am married to a black man (they are the biggest racists in the WORLD!).

Is your father's name JOE??

LOL sounds like my dad

If I may.
You have said that it's been 8 years right?
and you didn't even know him until you where 17?
He doesn't know you any more that you know him. and your mom hasn't help here ether.
So yes you are a side stop on his trip to see his family. try and be the bigger person here and show him some love and let him see what he has been missing in not being in your life more.
Having not been able to talk to my kids in over 3 months is killing me and they could call if they want, but I think their mom (she who must not be named) is stopping that maybe. just something to think about

FlyingDevildog - do you read Harry Potter? I can't help but smile at the reference to You-Know-Who.

quote:

Is your father's name JOE??

LOL sounds like my dad

quote:

Is your father's name JOE??

LOL sounds like my dad

HA, No his name is Dudley.
Pretty sad how many dad's just leave their kids.

Hi Jen,

Yes it is sad...more like disgusting? pathetic? coward? i'm running out. LOL

You have to do what is right for you.
When your mom says these things, it is really showing her own hurt about the situation.
She needs to work out her own forgiveness.
Is your dad getting a gold star,no, but he is who he is.
it's not fair, but we can't change people and make them act/feel the way we want them to.
If we choose to have them in our lives we have to choose to accept them as they are.

and on the plus..you did have a great dad in your step-father it seems.

Are we related???

I am going through this awful, tragic separation from my husband and my mom does nothing to help. She tells me she is so mad at my ex-to-be that she could spit on him. I, just like you, told her that I couldn't deal with her negativity and asked that she simply tell me good things about me. That is about all I can handle.

Aside from that recent incident, my mother was so horrible when it came to my father. I knew him my whole life and he never left. I was very lucky for this. But to my mother it was torture. She would put him down any chance she got. Even after she died she said bad things about him.

I've come to realize that I just have to cut her off when she does this. Of course, who could do that all the time. Last time I saw her I had it out with her, but to a lesser degree than I have in the past. Therapy REALLY helps. : )