Just wanted to ask the group, do your parents treat you different because you are a single parent? Like for example, I have an older sister who is married and we both have our own homes and familys but because she is married and I am not my parents treat me like I am still a kid, they let my sister do whatever she wants but if I do the same thing watch out, (For example, she had a friend living there for a few months and Mom and Dad said nothing, I had a friend
over for 1 night and I got hell for it).

How do you know your parents treat you more like a kid because you aren't married ?
Did anyone say that, or even just insinuate something of the type ?
Why do you think that ?
I cannot find any logic in it, more the opposite !!
No, it's definitely not that way, in my opinion.

Speaking of my own situation, I think I get the most respect from my parents. Well at least equal to my married sister and her family. My younger sister is in long term relationship with kids but is having problems maintaining her lifestyle. And my brother is single with kids that he really only minimally has with him(his son every other weekend and yet still often has them watch for him)
I think the amount of respect comes more from the decisions that we make in our life than just the fact of whether we are single with kids or not. If I do get any more respect than my oldest married sister, it would be due to they also realize it is harder for a single parent to properly raise a kid, work, keep a house etc.

Reply to -red-

I guess saying my parents treat me like a kid was'nt quite right it is more that they treat me more unfairly, everything is the same between me and my sister, like my parents bought both of our houses (which I am thankful for) and we both pay them rent, if she is a few months late with her payment they don't say anything, if I am $5.00 short I get in trouble, or like they got a dog and they did'nt say anything, if I ever got a dog (which I wish I could)watch out, and they tell me who I can and cannot have over, but she gets to have over who she wants, it's not like she is way older and more mature (we are only 1 1/2 years apart) the fact that she is married and I am not is the only reason I can think of that they treat me different.

I am 32 and sometimes I feel like my parents treat me like I am still a child.... I have to call when I get in and tell them what my general plans are� daily. The other day my mom actually reminded me to �look both ways�, lol. Oh and God forbid I don't answer the phone for a couple of hours, they send out a search party; never mind that I may have forgotten my cell phone or something, geeze, my mom never has hers turned on. The truth is that they have always acted this way, even before my daughter was born. I have an older brother who is socially and mentally younger than I am and he has always been. Not that he is not intelligent he is very, very smart but in a �geeky computer kid who spent the greater part of his high school days chugging Jolt cola for the caffeine and sugar buzz; he spent Friday and Saturday nights discussing physics, taking something apart or �supercharging� the vacuum cleaner� kind of way; basically when he needed to be social and mature he acted like an 8 year old. He was given responsibilities like driving, which he really did not want, the minute he turned 16 where I had to wait until senior year and about to turn 18 (and I had bought my own car as well). I have always been the "responsible" child as far as school, work and life (for that matter) are concerned. He never had a curfew or now they don�t ask him to call and check in when he gets home. They have told me that it is because he is a boy... not because I am a girl, and here I thought my parents were hippies from the 60's, lol. What kind of nonsense is that? It kills me that I have supported my self since I was 19 and lived alone for 80% of that time where my brother has NEVER lived alone he has always had roommates and has constantly depended on my parents to get him out of his financial jams. Recently, in fact, I have discussed this with my parents and they claim that �they treat us �equally� not the same because we are different people.� They told me how proud they are of me because I take care of my daughter alone (her father has never been involved) and that I am doing such a great job, they don�t know how I do it; that made me feel really good. So I have grown to understand that they act the way they do because they love me and my daughter so very much, and I know I would not want to do this all alone; also, I have learned to put up with certain things because I know that it makes them sleep better. Honestly being a mom has opened my eyes a bit too but don�t tell my parents that.

If you feel strongly enough about this you should sit down with one or both of your parents to discuss this; tell them how their actions make you feel. Be honest but not offensive. Also make sure that it comes out when you both (all) are calm, not in the middle of an argument or when you feel backed into a corner. If you are upset you may say something you don�t mean that could be misinterpreted or hurtful. I think that if you present this in a mature way your parents will see how their actions make you feel. Who knows they may not even realize that they are doing anything wrong. I am not sure how old you are but remember that your parents still always see you as their little girl.

I hope this helps�
Jenny

quote:

Originally posted by ttal:
[qb]Reply to -red-

I guess saying my parents treat me like a kid was'nt quite right it is more that they treat me more unfairly, everything is the same between me and my sister, like my parents bought both of our houses (which I am thankful for) and we both pay them rent, if she is a few months late with her payment they don't say anything, if I am $5.00 short I get in trouble, or like they got a dog and they did'nt say anything, if I ever got a dog (which I wish I could)watch out, and they tell me who I can and cannot have over, but she gets to have over who she wants, it's not like she is way older and more mature (we are only 1 1/2 years apart) the fact that she is married and I am not is the only reason I can think of that they treat me different.[/qb]

Tonia,

I know 2 brothers. They�re grown men now, both over 40, both married, both no kids. They came quite late, the mother had a girl first, and 10 years later, she was over 40 by then, unexpectedly, the 2 boys, 1 year apart.
The older was very successful in his carrier, he is a doctor, and has his own practice now, a house, very busy in his life, very stable financially and mentally.
The younger was always �the smartest� at school, but at some point he couldn�t follow any more at school, he was used to not studying, and still getting good grades, and at some point that didn�t work any more. He also �met the wrong people�, got into drugs�well, he made it through school, but his life has been a mess since then, financially and mentally he�s very unstable.
He was also always the �preferred son�, and he is until this day.
The mother treats them different, and the older one resents that. Until today, there is this jealousy between them.
It is as if the older one did EVERYTHING right, to make his mother happy, and STILL it didn�t do anything, and the younger brother did EVERYTHING WRONG in his life, was only worries to his parents, and was always pardoned and always preferred.

There is not much we can do about the way parents treat us I guess.

�

Look back and try to find out: did the different behaviour your parents have really only start since you�re both adults, or since you have kids ?
How was it when you were kids ?
Maybe you can dig out some memories, maybe with your sister�s help (or your parents�).

To Jmsajs,

I had to laugh when you said you mom told you to look both ways, my mom actualy told me the other day that I could'nt go to town until I cleaned up my house (like she used to say about cleaning my room when I was a kid.)

To red,

You asked how my parents treated me and my sister as kids, our dad treated us the same, mom on the other hand liked my sister more, I know cause she told me so a number of times, like one day I asked her why she treats my sister better and she said "Well you are your dad's favorite so your sister is mine" and on another day when I was about 19 she said straight to my face "you know I don't love you as much as I love your sister" I was'nt really hurt when she said that cause I kinda knew all along. My parents adopted me and my sister when we were 4&5, who knows maybe she just never really developed the mother/daughter connection, she says she loves me now but I don't think she ever really felt it.

My parents have always been very supportive of me and my decisions. When I left my ex, they let me and the baby move in, and for my mother she says it just feels right having us in her home. I am my mother's only child (my fathers third), so it's a bit different for me not having any siblings to "go up against".

My mom treats me like an idiot no matter what I do. I am the oldest of 2, my sister is 9 years YOUNGER than I. My sister can do no wrong in the eyes of our mother; she is a college student, a virgin, and they have a wonderful relationship...it has ALWAYS beem that way with them.

My mom has been through 6 marriages now...and one of those was TERRIBLY abusive.

I have been through 2 marriages, and one very abusive relationship...you would think that she would be someone that I can turn to in times of need and fear. But she turns her back on me everytime I have needed her.

My father has been married 4 times, and we never speak.

My parents are just jerks. Perhaps you are just feeling overly self concious of your situation. Have you asked your sister if she feels like you are treated differently? It honestly could be that they have ALWAYS treated each of you differently, as I have grown to learn over the years that many parents do that without even thinking about it...

I am sorry you feel that way. It is hard to have the people in your life look at you differently...HUGS AND PRAYERS!

*laugh* this topic made me laugh. I have a twin sister who is married with two kids. I am a single mom of one. Her first son and my son are only 2 months apart, so we were pregnant together. It's quite interesting to see the differences in the boys as they grow up in two totally different environments. My sister's kids are raised in a typical family, mom, dad, and two kids. Both parents work and the kids are in day-care. They eat dinner at the same time every night and pay their bills on time and are pretty much the most average family you'd ever see. My life is dramatically different, with me and my son bouncing from home to home in an attempt to find somewhere to get back on my feet after the break up. I've worked hard to do this alone, but life isn't perfect. The bills sometimes don't get paid, and I'm in debt up to my ears. But this is about our parents and how we're treated. Seeing as how me and my sister are twins, you'd think my parents would make it a point to not treat us any different, because we'd catch on right away. But this isn't true. My parents are constantly pointing out to me how my sister does things ("Her kids are at a PRE-SCHOOL, why is yours just in day-care?" "She got her kids swimming lessons, why didn't you get your kid swimming lessons" and so on) and they love to remind me that my credit is going to hell while her's looks all shiney and perfect. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, but there's only so much I can do, living in California with only one income is difficult. I wish my parents would lighten up on me, take a look at my son and say "hey, you're kid is really friendly and fun, you must be doing something right" instead of telling me everything I'm doing wrong. Just my two cents

quote:

Originally posted by Seraphin:
[qb]*laugh* this topic made me laugh. I have a twin sister who is married with two kids. I am a single mom of one. Her first son and my son are only 2 months apart, so we were pregnant together. It's quite interesting to see the differences in the boys as they grow up in two totally different environments. My sister's kids are raised in a typical family, mom, dad, and two kids. Both parents work and the kids are in day-care. They eat dinner at the same time every night and pay their bills on time and are pretty much the most average family you'd ever see. My life is dramatically different, with me and my son bouncing from home to home in an attempt to find somewhere to get back on my feet after the break up. I've worked hard to do this alone, but life isn't perfect. The bills sometimes don't get paid, and I'm in debt up to my ears. But this is about our parents and how we're treated. Seeing as how me and my sister are twins, you'd think my parents would make it a point to not treat us any different, because we'd catch on right away. But this isn't true. My parents are constantly pointing out to me how my sister does things ("Her kids are at a PRE-SCHOOL, why is yours just in day-care?" "She got her kids swimming lessons, why didn't you get your kid swimming lessons" and so on) and they love to remind me that my credit is going to hell while her's looks all shiney and perfect. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, but there's only so much I can do, living in California with only one income is difficult. I wish my parents would lighten up on me, take a look at my son and say "hey, you're kid is really friendly and fun, you must be doing something right" instead of telling me everything I'm doing wrong. Just my two cents[/qb]

As a young single parent almost 19 years ago, I looked for validation from my mother on how well I was doing as far as being a single parent, not giving up and doing all that I could to provide for my daughter. Odds are not in our favor to succeed, have good credit, marry, or have a dedicated companion. Needless to say, that never happened. I graduated high school, still. Went on the take classes to ensure a better future for my child. I became successful in spite of all odds. That woman never seem to give me credit for nothing. If I did something, "my sisters are good at it as well." My child never wanted for nothing, materialisticly as well. I was a very good teenage mom. I knew this, but it's something about hearing this from our parents. Like I said, no matter what I did careerwise or raising my oldest daughter, we'd have to have an argument dang near for her to blurt out..."No, I don't treat you differently then your sisters, and yes, I do think you're good at some things!" Well, gosh darn momma, that must of hurt to say it in a heated moment.

What I've learned is that I'm very much like my mother (she had to children out of wedlock, but my father did marry her when I was conceived). Not making excuses, because you couldn't of given me one single reason as to why my mother couldn't say, "Job well done"... My sisters are both single parents of ONE child a piece, and they struggle dang near as hard as I do with 4. How is this possible? I'm the one with the 4 kids, but they're still in the same situation as me. I love my sisters, but back in the day they used to play on this issue. One went as far as to tell me she knew our mother took her side on our disagreements.

I wrote all that to say this, even as an adult, it still bothers me. I've learned that man will let me down all the time if I allow it. My self-worth and value doesn't lie in my parents approval. It would be nice, however, I no longer yearn for their approval or equality. I fought long and hard to get where I am, and sure, they've opened their doors many times in the past to help my family out (My mother wasn't agreeable on several of those occasions). Who the hell chooses to be a single parent, intentially? I know some do, but none in my era.

I use to tell tons of people that until you walk in my shoes, you'll never know how difficult it is to pay all the bills on less than nothing, maybe. There was a time when I begged my old landlord to allow me more time to find me a place....(I cried out to God that I didn't want to move back in with my parents), but you know what, being single means exactly what it saids...ONE SINGLE INCOME, if that. Ya know!

Yes, I chose to be a single parent when I gave birth to my children, and no, I'm not looking for a hand out, however, your respect, not approval, will do.

God Bless ALL!

From my mother's child!

quote:

Originally posted by All4Mine:
[QB]
I wrote all that to say this, even as an adult, it still bothers me. I've learned that man will let me down all the time if I allow it. My self-worth and value doesn't lie in my parents approval. It would be nice, however, I no longer yearn for their approval or equality. I fought long and hard to get where I am, and sure, they've opened their doors many times in the past to help my family out (My mother wasn't agreeable on several of those occasions). Who the hell chooses to be a single parent, intentially? I know some do, but none in my era.
QB]

I am not quite to the point that you are with my parents. Even tho I feel happy and settled in my life and I have no problems with myself or how I am raising my son, I still yern for my parents approval. I too have bounced in and out of their house in my many attempts to get back on my feet, but I've been out of there for two years and I have no intention of going back. I have a great career that provides nicely for me and my son and we are not for want of anything materialistic. The irony in the whole situation is how much my parents love my son. They call constantly to have me bring him over, they want him to spend the night when he is there. They have no problems telling the whole family that my son is their "favorite" grand-kid. (I don't approve of this, I think they should lay off the whole "favorite" thing and love all their grandkids the same) But for all the love they have for my son, it seems they only resent me for not falling flat on my face like they expected of me after I left his father. It seems every time I have a personal victory (getting a better job or a bigger house, etc) they only want to point out the things I haven't accomplished (still driving a dump of a car that breaks down constantly, never finished college, etc) All I've ever wanted was to hear them say "Good job" or "We're proud of you." I know that I shouldn't hold my breathe for this, but I can't help but feel sad every time they squash my enthusiasm. Just once I want them to get excited with me. One day I'll get to the point where their non-approval won't affect me any more, but I'm not quite there yet. It's funny tho, it seems the more they disapprove, the harder I work to prove myself to them. So it can't be all bad Sorry to run on, but I'm sure you know how that tends to happen.

Hey, All4Mine, we should trade e-mails. We seem to be living similar lives

quote:

Originally posted by Seraphin:
[qb]

I am not quite to the point that you are with my parents. Even tho I feel happy and settled in my life and I have no problems with myself or how I am raising my son, I still yern for my parents approval. I too have bounced in and out of their house in my many attempts to get back on my feet, but I've been out of there for two years and I have no intention of going back. I have a great career that provides nicely for me and my son and we are not for want of anything materialistic. The irony in the whole situation is how much my parents love my son. They call constantly to have me bring him over, they want him to spend the night when he is there. They have no problems telling the whole family that my son is their "favorite" grand-kid. (I don't approve of this, I think they should lay off the whole "favorite" thing and love all their grandkids the same) But for all the love they have for my son, it seems they only resent me for not falling flat on my face like they expected of me after I left his father. It seems every time I have a personal victory (getting a better job or a bigger house, etc) they only want to point out the things I haven't accomplished (still driving a dump of a car that breaks down constantly, never finished college, etc) All I've ever wanted was to hear them say "Good job" or "We're proud of you." I know that I shouldn't hold my breathe for this, but I can't help but feel sad every time they squash my enthusiasm. Just once I want them to get excited with me. One day I'll get to the point where their non-approval won't affect me any more, but I'm not quite there yet. It's funny tho, it seems the more they disapprove, the harder I work to prove myself to them. So it can't be all bad Sorry to run on, but I'm sure you know how that tends to happen.

Hey, All4Mine, we should trade e-mails. We seem to be living similar lives [/qb]

Hi Luv, It does get better....

Sure, you'll never completely get over that approval venture, but like you said, I worked my behind off and there were times when I too, felt like if I fell through the bottom then my mom would feel better. I know that seems taboo, but that feeling never has left me. The more I succeeded in anything in my life, the more she'd spread my accomplishments and share it with my siblings, hence, comparing.

I'm 37 and I had to learn, pray for strength to find my own path. Funny, how we all come from different backgrounds, but being a single parent speaks only one language...acceptance and approval. I don't think I disappointed my parents, but that's a feeling I carried for too long. I just turned it around for the good of all things. I had to live for me and mine. I had to stop telling my mother everything and then turn around and get upset when she critiqued me. I couldn't have it both ways, yeah, of course I went through the mental anquish of "Dang, this is messed up. This is my mother but I can't share anything with her. Nine out of ten, it will be used against me". Sad, however, true.

You live and you learn. You sound like you're on the right path. Keep it up. You have the support of many...People you have no idea that are going through the same thing....

One luv....

LOL I just read your post and I had to write a quick note to say you are not alone. I am 33 years old and my mother STILL treats me different then my 24 year old Married sister. The funny thing is though when thing go crazy in the family it is ME they all come to. Now does THAT make any sense. Hope this little note finds you well.

TTAL, My sister has this same gripe. It is not that they treat her so different, its just that she reacts to their comments differently than I do. I tell my sister all the time, they say and do annoying things to me as well but so what....Why do you take it like that? My sister is single without children and I have one child (12f)and I am also single. There is no independent differences, (we both own houses etc.) but my sister does not like it when anything is said to her, where as I don't even hear it. My mom says plenty to me (believe me) but I just let it roll off my back. If I didn't, how could I focus on raising my daughter? The next time your mom says something, change the subject or say, oh yea? you think that mom??...hmmmmmm. Works like a charm!