Ok well the elsuive X and father to my unborn baby finally decied to call me alast night. Now the way I look at it is that I privliged him by even picking up my phone and answering. I have caller ID and knew it was him. So anyways it just wanted to know how the baby and I were doing. I was like fine and what do you want? Acid it slightly dripping from my voice. Anyways he wanted to we WE were having. I replied I was did not know what wheter the baby was male or female. He went on to claim how he loves me and misses everything that I offered for him. HMMM free baby sitter for his two kids, free meals, free room and board to a point, S** when and were ever he wanted. Well you get the pic right.

So at this point I'm pissed, sad, angry, hurt and yes a small part of me was gooshy b/c he is asking about he baby and me and vows how much he loves me and wants to be in my life and my kids lives. He can give me my room to deal w/my feelings. Feels I should be happy b/c he called me!! PLEASE!

My heart(keep in mind my heart is sappy and believes in romance) is telling me to go w/it and maybe thing will work out. My mind(the sensible smart on romatic side of me) say scerw him and move on like you have been. What to do what to do. It's like having the devil and angel seniro on either shoulder thing LOL.

I want to be able to have a man to share the pregnacy w/but do I want to deal w/his crap? He sounded all great on the phone but can I trully turst him?

Ok now here is the kicker of it all his son is the one that molested my son two times while they live w/us. My son hates his son and is not ready to face this child. I don't blame him it may take him years to face him everyday. My X decieds well after he p/us up his son he'll stop by monday night. I spoke and said that may not be a good idea b/c my son is not ready to face his son. To be honest I'm not ready to be nice to this curel and mean 11yr. He hurt my son badly and i'm pissed!!! I tried to nicely explain this and did not start yelling. He got mad and had the nevre to hang up on me!!?!?!??! What's up w/that. JERK! Don't I have a right to not want his son around? I told him I have no problem w/his daughter and actually like his daughter. She never hurt my son or me. I feel and told him that he is making me choose between my son' well being and peace of mind and his son. I've never given him that ulitmatuim. I can't choose his son over mine b/c I love my son and can't see him hurt so badly.

Any advice or suggestions would be great. Please tell me I did not screw up my baby's chances of having a dad by demanding he leave his son at home b4 he comes to visit. I also was honest w/my feelings about how he just walked on me and hes pissed about that! Can I ever win. Anyways I said some pleasent things to the dead phone but then I was put into the mind frame of it's my fault I messed everything up. I have to keep telling myself that it's not my fault.

HELP AHHHHAHHHAHH. He mind messing again. execpt I hope this time I'm smarted than he is.

SPIRIT

Wow, that's rough. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you but man I don't even know where to go on this one. I was ok until you mentioned what happened to your son. After that all the kept going through my head was " run, run away as fast as you can" His son is his son and that means he comes with the package. You want someone in your life permenantly and is that something you could do with this man under the circumstances. If he hurt your older son whose to say he wouldn't do the same with the baby after he/she is born.

I know how bad it can be for kids to not know the father. I made that choice with my son when I found out I was pregnant and I question everyday if I made the right choice because I know how much it hurts him to not have one, but after reading all the stories on here I know I made the right chioce. I would much rather he feel a bit sad he doesn't have one than to have one that was going to be a jackbutt and cause him damage. He knows that someday the right person will come into his life and he looks forward to that.

I also say that from the tone of your message you still have a lot of anger torwards this guy and I think for your own good it would be better to sever ties for a awhile. A newborn infant is not going to know it's missing a parent right off, so any thoughts of hurting the baby in that sense should be forgotten for awhile. Give yourself time to get yourself on track and make your ex use that time to show he is worthy of being in your life. Once you can handle things after the baby is born on your own it puts you in a far better place to decide if this guys fits in it.

The last thing you should do, and boy do I know from experience here, is to stay involved with this guy just for the sake of the baby. You will never be happy and in the end it just makes it that much harder when you have to leave. There has to be love there on your side to even begin to make work.

Wow Spirit... Knowing this changes the whole equation. You mentioned the history of your son in another thread last week. You stated something like 'My son is not comfortable with even running into the other boy and we live in the same town.' This is completely understandable of a victim of molestation. I know your heart yearns for a complete family and love for you and your baby. But - if he can't understand you not wanting his son around, seeing him is out of the question. Also - I suspect your son has had a huge sense of relief that your ex hasn't been in the picture. Seeing him has to effect him and scare him, making him wonder if the son will be around again. Has his son had any counseling?
I understand why you would make the decision to have him in your life. But - strongly weight the emotional repercussions for your son. Also - I guess the other advice before still stands. Keep your stand. Demand that things are the way you want or need them to be and do not let him hurt you again! You are strong and can do single parenting on your own! We are all here to support you and care about you so much!!

Spirit, I know it will be tough but you need to keep him at distance, and don't let the heart rule the mind this time. He is not good for you and his son is not good for you or your kids. Don't fall for his crap. You deserve better, and you know it. Your kids deserve better and you know it. I know it will be hard but we are all here to support you, you can vent to us, cry to us, hopeful laugh with us until you are thrugh this. You have a lot of friends her no matter what you decided. But I have been (still am) where you are, with feelings for and ex that is not good for you. And I cry most nights, but in the morning I know I am making the best choice for all my kids.

Best of luck, and prayers to you,
Dali.

Be like Nancy Reagan, just say NO. This guy sounds like a whole trainload of sleeze and an accident waiting to happen - and his ELEVEN year old molested one of yours??? My God! Bet if I looked up 'dysfunctional' in the dictionary I'd see a picture of this guy and his spawn. Please Please Please do not let this guy back in your life. Better no Dad for your baby than a horrible one. Sorry to sound so harsh but that's what I see.

Spirit, I have to be honest. I wouldn't want this kid around my child. If his father cannot understand how you feel now, things won't get better. How old is his son, and is he in any kind of therapy? Were any charges filed? There's just NO WAY I would be able to let my feelings for this person get in the way of losing my child's trust in me. I always want them to know, that no matter what happens in life, they can ALWAYS depend on me, always. If this little monster molested your son before, what's to stop him from doing it again? I think I'd lose all my respect for his father too, if he can't understand you wanting to protect your child. What if it was the other way around? What if someone was molesting his daughter? I think he might look at it differently. He wants to be a part of this baby's life now? Fine. Pay child support and set up visitations. From the way it sounds with him, he changes his mind about what he wants to do about you and the baby on a weekly basis. If he's seriously interested and truly wants to be a father to this child, and a family with you, he would address the issue of his son somehow. What if you were your son, and one day, by chance, everyone's out of the house all at once, and he's left alone with this kid? Do you want him living his life worried about that?

Thanks Scout and MJ.

I guess I have the same thoughts as both of you. I've put up a wall of many bricks so that the baby's father can not get in. Ok so the door is open a crack so I can peek out LOL I can't and refuse to let him hurt me or my family in any way.

MJ unfortantly my X's son did not get counseling if he did it was very little. It was an unhappy sad situation for everyone but I feel he should repesct my feelings toward his son and repsect my son's feeling toward his son.

So I have a lot of resemnt toward my X's son b/c of the fact that b/c of him my X and I could probaby never get back together if that was to happen. I just can not accept his son back into my family's life and take a chance of letting him hurt my son again. Yes, I have worried about the new baby. X's son is very jealous of his dad's attention being take away from him so I'm afarid the baby would have this unexplained injuries for the frist year of it's life. I can let that happen either. The bright side is that I can accept his daughter. She has done nothing wrong to me or to my son. Honestly my son adored his daughter and liked spending time w/her. It's sad that this baby may never know it's other bro or sister but I sense maybe it's better off not knowing them and just knowing it's mom and it's big bro that is exicting waiting for its arrival.

Gosh I feel so torn b/c I want a life w/my X, baby, my son and his daughter. I can't tell him to choose his son over my two kids and me.

I guess I just take care of me and my kids and wait to see what he decieds to do w/his messed up life. I honestly don't have the time to waste on making the baby's father happy. I need to make my family happy.

Bright side I'll have on hell of a great CS check every month!!!

SPIRIT

Ok I just posted the last post b4 everyone else posted so I'll post and update one again. Whew say that 10x fast LOL

Dali you are so right. I do have friends here and I know that I have many shoulders to cry on for anything. Hope ya'll don't mind soggy shoulders LOL You're right Dali our X's are not good for us and we need to let that bad attachment go. I know it's eaiser said than done. I think we both know that we don't want to be w/them just keep hoping they change w/time. Don't think it's going to happen thou?!?! SIGH Are there any magic happy ever after wands in the house for us? L


binarian
You're right you would see him and is spawn in the dictionary. Of course according to my X there would have been a misprint and they should have been under PERFECT!! One of those people that can't admit that they are less that perfect people. You did not sound harsh at all. I know the truth and I can't allow him back into my life b/c of his son and b/c my X is not good for me mentally either. Drunk, lier, cheat ect. I'm tired of being the door mat chic. I want to be the door that slams and breaks his fingers. ***evil smile***

And Pookers.....You made a great statment that I did not even realize but is happening w/him. He does change his mind weekly oh heck daily about what he wants w/me and our baby. Honestly I can live w/that unsablity. You're right his son is a monster and would hurt my son and my new baby every chance he got. I lost a lot of respecst for my X when he could not respect my wishes of coming to my house w/out his son. You're right I can live w/my son worring all the time about what this kid would do to him. Neither my son nor I need the addes stress.

You know what everyone it felt good when he hung up on me b/c I did not cry or get depressed. My frist thought was what an immature baby!! I did not want or have the need to call him right back. Man that felt great. Yes, it would be nice to share the prenancy w/dad but I don't need it in my life. I woke up this morning and really gave Sunday nights crap a second thought until I got to work later. It was nice. I'm not sad just confused and unsure of what will happen next. I guess I just go one and see what the future brings right?

Thanks again guys and after I have read everyones post I think I too am on the same track as you guys. BOY have I come a long way from the whiny crybaby I was in May. YEA ME AND EVERYONE that was able to make progress.

SPIRIT

P.S. here is a funny note. X is complaming to me how he lost part of his monthly income. It's so expensive blah blah. I sarcatisly said of gee that too bad..wouldn't know what that is like w/a new baby coming and a son to support. The jerk actually thought I was smypathizing w/him! So self centered at times and toatlly clueless. All I can do is laugh in his face.

Sounds like everyone is telling you exactly what I would have said...which is STAY AWAY! He doesn't seem like father material if he can't understand how your son was affected by what happened to him. My first reaction to his sudden interest in being a part of the baby's life is that he just doesn't want to pay child support. That's how my ex was, anyways. He tried desperately to stay with me, even though we had a mutual hatred for each other, just to try and avoid having to pay child support.

He doesn't care about you, your son or the new baby. He's selfish and is only thinking of himself. You're strong. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking he cares, because your kids will be hurt again. (Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm not trying to offend, only offer my view of the situation)

By the way pooker I mean Can't for every can that was in the reply to you. OMG my brain gets ahead of my fingers and I can't type well LOL

SPIRIT

Bear w/me thou I'm not that bad right.

I figured that, Spirit. I know sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers and the words come out jumbled. That's why I have to proof read every thread I write just to make corrections.

And no Spirit, you are not bad at all. You're a wonderful, caring, upbeat person when it comes to giving support. We are all in the same boat at times. We don't always make the right decisions in life, but you can darn well know that most of our decisions we make in life will always factor in our children, and if our how it may affect them pends on the decisions we make.

You are a wonderful person Spirit! Being strong and staying away from him will be difficult, for months... But you are strong enough and independent enough to raise your children without him.

Just want to add a note about one of your quotes as follows:

Gosh I feel so torn b/c I want a life w/my X, baby, my son and his daughter. I can't tell him to choose his son over my two kids and me.

I suspect you don't really want a life with your ex. You miss the 'complete family.' And yearn to have the 'complete family' daily. Just remember, 'he' is not what you are missing. You will get through this Sweetie.

He will not choose over his son. And even if he acts like he will, you know he will eventually worm his way and his son's way back into the house. Keep him away! He's never treated you good enough anyway!

quote:

Originally posted by Melissa Jo:
[qb] You are a wonderful person Spirit! [/qb]

I second that. You were one of the first to jump in and offer advice and consolation when I first posted here. You've a big heart and deserve all the best and no more 'worst'.

Spirit~

My heart goes out to you and I totally understand wanting to have a complete family, but I have to agree - this guy is a turd and the boy who hurt your son belongs in JAIL!! I can't imagine for a second how your ex can expect you to have that boy around your son!!

Stay strong... and do what you know is best. In this case, tell your heart to take a chill pill and someday someone nice will come along - and make it all worth waiting for!

Hugsssssssssssssssssssss

Inni, this boy is eleven. I don't think they'd put him in jail. Maybe a detention center. If his behavior isn't addressed, he may grow up to hurt alot of people, and eventually, he will be in jail. It seems like the father isn't taking too seriously that his son molested another boy, and that he may be harboring a future criminal. I do not know the specifics, but if it's enough to make another boy afraid of him, that's a problem.