by Vicki Lansky

For anyone who hasn't been divorced, trust me: Divorce is never what you
imagine it to be. Here are a few insights that may hopefully save you a
trip
to court, or at the very least, give you some idea of what may lie ahead. I
know everything listed here might not apply to everybody (there's always
going to be the exception to the rule), but it covers most of us.

1. It takes longer to get your divorce behind you than you think, or can
allow yourself to believe.

I thought I had it together after a year. Then I thought I had it together
after three years. Then I was impressed when I could say I had been
divorced
five years. Then I was devastated that I could be brought to tears in
seconds after eight years when something inappropriate, I thought, was said
to me. I guess it's always "there," but fortunately with each passing year
it feels longer ago, less important, and more comfortable. But unlike your
child's owies, it's never quite all gone. As that old saying goes, marriage
may not be forever, but divorce is.

2. Going through divorce is a physical experience.

This one took me by surprise. My body seemed to experience a death-defying
whirlpool. I hate speed, roller coasters, and the feeling of one's stomach
dropping when on a turbulent airplane ride. But I can remember having all
those feelings -- simultaneously -- while just sitting in a chair after we
separated. Yuck! Fortunately this usually passes in three to nine months.
Shorter than #1, but not short enough!

3. It never works out according to plan -- yours, that is!

And even when it does, it's only for a short time. Life after divorce is
always changing and you won't have a lot of control over those changes. We
often get hopelessly caught up in parenting plans when we first separate,
and, while that is important, it doesn't usually prepare you for the ongoing
changes and negotiations that go on for years -- changes that you don't
always like but learn to live with. There is the ongoing tradeoff of
deciding which battles will catch your children in the middle, and figuring
out when one must learn to lose a battle to win the war. Or should I say
the
peace -- the peace of mind your children need. Life takes twists and turns
that will never be in the "plan," so you must learn to go with the flow or
be
hopelessly mired in your own anger or disappointments.

4. Parental time (a.k.a. custody) and shared financial responsibility
(a.k.a.
child support) are NOT tied together.

Though they might be tied together in the eyes of your mother or your
mother-in-law, these are two separate issues. When you confuse them or make
them cause-and-effect items, you do a squeeze on your kids. It seems like
such a natural ("If he doesn't pay support on time, well then the kids just
won't be ready on time or at all" or "I'll be damned if I'm going to send a
check this month if she and her honey are going on a ski trip with the kids
-- that's not what I'm sending support for.") but this is not a life
situation where each month comes to an even tally. It never is even.
Equitable is the best you can hope for. Marriage isn't even, so divorce
sure
ain't gonna be.

5. You never outgrow your wish to be the favored parent.

Remember when your kids asked you who you loved best, you knew what a silly
(but honest) question it was because everyone likes being first in the
hearts
of those they love. Unfortunately in a divorce, when parents aren't
together
to hear news in a shared situation, your child will tell one before the
other. It doesn't mean you're the less favored, secondary, or unfavorite
parent, but it sure does feels like it. So you have to learn to forgive
yourself when those competitive feelings crop up from the dark depths of
your
soul and learn to laugh at them. Remember you're not alone.

6. Divorce doesn't "fix" your ex.

If your former spouse was cheap, never on time, and thoughtless before the
divorce, he or she will continue to be tight, late, and prone to saying
stupid things in the divorce. The things that you tolerated in marriage
under the perfume of love will infuriate you in divorce. You thought you
were done with putting up with "_____" (fill in the blank), but it continues
just like it was in your marriage. You have to learn to accept, overlook,
and forgive, or else you are going to expend a lot of wasted emotions on
someone you're not even married to. You can only be angry with or hate
someone you care about. (Ain't that a bummer!) Also, your lawyer can't
make
your ex-spouse be a sensitive person or parent, so don't waste unnecessary
dollars trying to have your lawyer get "through" to him or her. When you
can
begin to replace the word "wrong" (as pertains to parenting skills, money
values, personal habits, etc., etc., etc.) with the word "different," you'll
have come a long way toward acceptance.

7. Divorce, unlike marriage, is FOREVER when there are kids.

Unless you really wish to lose your position as a parent (which is THE
hardest on kids), you will have family occasions, graduations, shared
holidays, christenings, weddings, and funerals that will continually bring
you together over the years. Those knots in your stomach at shared public
events, especially in the beginning, are known only to others who have been
through divorce. No one else has a clue. Approaching your ex first with a
friendly word at such events puts everyone else at ease and is a worthwhile
practice. And with practice, and some history, you may find those stomach
knots actually loosening. Mortal enemies have been known to actually become
friends, sometimes good friends, and many find they can be kind of
comfortable "cousins."

8. If you don't hate your exiting spouse when you first separate, you will
within three months to three years.

It's next to impossible to skip this one, though it always seems to come as
a
surprise. Why, I'm not sure. Now you both have different agendas and no
way
will your priorities (usually money concerns or kid issues) be the same as
your ex's. It's OK, and sometimes even important, to be angry with your ex
(for a certain amount of time -- not forever), but it's not okay to share or
show that anger with your children or in front of your children. Not easy,
but for their mental health, their need for a safe haven, and their need to
love both parents, you've got to keep these volatile feelings to yourself --
or limit them to your therapist or support group.

9. The day your ex remarries is really painful.

The only thing worse than hearing your ex is remarrying from a third party,
is actually hearing the news from your ex. Obviously this is a no-win
situation. No matter how glad you are that your ex is your ex, you'd never
take him/her back, and you're thankful you're divorced, it's still a painful
time. It's that last nail in the coffin of what was once your marriage, and
your hopes and your dreams. If you know anyone whose ex is getting
remarried, don't let them spend that day alone. And if you know your ex is
getting remarried, don't spend it by yourself, unless you really enjoy
digging a dark hole and crawling into it. (Obviously the kids will be
attending the wedding and unsure of how to be of comfort to or deal with the
other parent.)

10. After all this, know that there is still such a thing as a good divorce.

Yes, you read that line correctly. Now this is not to be confused with
divorce is good, but there are ways of turning this lemon into lemonade.
Read up on how to do it. There are lots of books to help you -- I've
written
one. Making peace with life's changes is good for you, for your kids, and
for your life. Divorce is not the path to be recommended easily, but it's
not a terminal illness, or a contagious disease either.

I did not come up with the term "good divorce." I'll credit that to
Constance Ahrons, author of the book "The Good Divorce." "A good divorce,"
she says, "is not an oxymoron. Astonishingly, in my studies I found half
the
divorcing couples we interviewed had civilized, and many amicable, relations
with each other. Another surprise was that almost everybody wished to be on
better terms with his or her ex, even the ones who had bad relationships.
I'm tired of the doomsday reports and the label of the 'broken home.' We
have been so inundated with negative stories of divorce, that men and women
need to hear the message that they can make their families work better,
minimize stress, and not feel like total failures. In a good divorce, a
family with children remains a family -- one that is sufficiently
cooperative
to permit kinship bonds to continue. Perhaps if we begin to revise our
expectations of what divorce means, all parents who divorce can do so with
civility and respect."

You are a brilliant artist!
Breathtakingly...GASP
wow! I'm buying the fricken book for myself and everyone I know. Wow.. halfway through your post I already knew 10 people I love that could gain from your message.Wow

That sounds like a great author. I'll have to check into her books. I wrote the name down. Thanks for sharing.

That is great. Getting ready to go thru the divorce you make it seem a little more manageable. Thanks. On my way home from work I am planning on stopping by B&N and picking up that book.


Dawne

Something that you missed and hopefully, you did not have to account for is those divorcés that involve an abusive person or persons.

In my experience, I have found some things that have helped me.

1. The X will always try to control you. This can be through your fears or to the shear fact that they will try anything to do so. To protect yourself and your child do the following:

A. KEEP A LOG OF ALL PHONE CONVERSATIONS

If the X is saying things that are not appropriate, you are allowed to hang up. You are not obligated to listen and you have the right to be spoken to in a respefule tone. He is going to want to make you mad. He or she knows that when you allow yourself to become angry and to allow them to know it, you have given them control.
This was one of the things I had to have a close friend tell me. When you have been mentally abused…the fears and reminders of the past are there, but you are the one that chooses to stay controlled by that person. Make the choose to not be a victim anymore and allow yourself the permition to hang up and not tolerate what they are doing anymore.

If the X continues to try to abuse you through the phone lines, you are allowed to not communicate throw talking. I would recommend e-mailing or certify mail. Make a copy of all letters and mail everything with a signature card. This way if they say they did not get something, agree to something, or do not respond to a request you will have evidence of this.

In addition, always remember no mater how nice they try to be or what they promise to do unless they put it in writing and it is not in the Divorce decree or custody papers they do not have to keep their promise or do anything. You can for give them and you should but do not trust them fully or you are giving them room to hurt you and possible your child again.

B.KEEP THESE RECORDS WHERE LITTLE HANDS CAN NOT GET A HOLD OF THEM.


*** Some children out of wanting everything to be happy ever after and mommy and daddy will get back together will destroy throw away…etc because in their mind they don’t want mommy and daddy fighting and if they find evidence of this will want to protect their ideas etc. Further more children should not have to be faced with the raw truth that these unpleasant acts are acceding. They want to protect the one that is being abused. You should not have the words “I wish daddy would stop hurting you..of what had Daddy done now to hurt you…come from a 6..7..8..now 9 year old.

c. MAKING THE EXCHANGE

Always make the exchange with a friend present and if they continue to do things like pick fights ….threatening your physically….or entering your home with out your permition…..call you names in front of the child…. Have someone video taping the exchange or arrange for the exchange to be done in a public place with lots of people around. Like a mall…Airport. Some were it something happens there are plenty of witnesses and security guards around.

d. KINDNESS

Your kindness can place you in an unsafe situation. Don’t give them the opportunity. If your X and his family feel they are above the law; they are capable of anything. If given the opportunity and feel they can get away with harming you mentally or physically they will. Talk to your lawyer or the police about what they are doing …done…these people will tell you your rights and how to keep your self and your children safe with in the law. Don’t take it upon yourself this can only end up badly.

E. CHILD TELL YOU OF HARM...FEAR..ABUSE

I hope and pray that you don’t have to go throw this,

but if your child tells you something that was done that was inappropriate get them to a neutral person like a counselor or a teacher or if you can afford it a physiatrist to talk to. In addition, if you can take action to protect your child from further harm.

This means throw the courts….

PLEASE IT IS NOT WORTH IT TO TAKE IT INTO YOUR OWN HANDS….this will not help your child or you…and it will only end badly.

REMIMBER IT TAKES TWO TO ARGUE AND TAKE YOU TO KEEP YOU AND YOUR CHILDERIAN SAFE.

I am not telling anyone to do anything AND I am not a profetional. I am just sharing and all this is my oppenion.

Thanks. A lot of that will be helpfull to know and I'm already going through some of them.

DIVORCE HAS KICKED MY BUTT!!!!!

That's great!!
I was thinking of posting something similar about what I've learned about the "family" services in the court system.
It really makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I appreciate the honesty.

Hey Pinkflwr,

That butt kicking hurts. I hope you have more good days than bad.

I am still learning that Divorce is forever. However, in my case, I think that I am going to have to be married to my ex's family forever, even after the divorce. I was trying to get my basement cleaned out and his family learned about what I was going to do and immediately called my soon to be ex. They were upset that I might be getting rid of some of their family items that they had asked me to hold for them. How crazy is that? I can't even get my own basement cleaned out without having to get approval from my soon to be ex-in laws. Can life get any more crazy?

Hey wantobefree,

How about a 1-2 week time limit?

If you want stuff out of your basement you let your ex know he has a 1-2 week time limit to come get the stuff. After 2 weeks, get rid of it.

You're not a storage company. And I'm sure you have better things to do with the space.

What do you think?

Wow all that information was great thanks so much!!! I left my husband back in november of 2004 and i'm not divorced yet because I can't afford and he won't do anything because he said he will never divorce me. But again thanks for the info it's a big help!!!