how can you be friends with your ex?

i know a lot of people do it, but i'm having a really hard time with it. i was (am?) in love with this guy, would do anything for him. he wants us to be friends but i can't stand hearing him say anything about other girls. it really hurts me.

am i shallow? obsessive? anything negative? i just can't seem to deal with it...

i've actually made the decision to stop talking to him for a little while, try to get over him as a lover and see if i'll then be able to be strictly friends and have no issues. i called him last friday night to tell him, and i've been good about not talking to him, but he's left me a couple of messages that he misses me.

i think he misses me because he knows i love him and i will be there for him no matter what he says or does. like i'm backup. but he does *not* want a relationship. i don't know what to do.

so, how do you do it?

First, I'm sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. No, I don't think you are being obsessive/compulsive.

My last relationship ended up like this. They love you just can't commit, either scared or whatever the issue is. That's ok, it doesn't make them evil or anything, but trying to go that route was causing me a lot of pain, and then one day I realized if I was in a dead end relationship. If you are ok with that, then that's ok.

My time spent with her had become clouded with the issue, were I wasn't enjoying that time as much anymore, because I knew, it wasn't going where we had earlier agreed to go (at one point we were looking at houses together).

So I ended the relationship, so that I could get over the pain, and move on with my life. I use the basic premise that relationships are supposed to be fun and provide happiness and joy, not pain and suffering. If it is providing the latter then no matter how much you love them it may be time to move on.

Rob

his name is rob too :/ i can't get away from him! *everything* reminds me of him.

but yeah, you're right, relationships are supposed to be fun and make you feel good, and ours had gotten to the point as well where everything was about what we were going through.

thanks for the input.

Ahhh... As far as the evrything reminds me of him thing goes... I had a number of things that reminded me of her also. Anything that was in the house that came from her I got rid of, pictures of her and her kids I mailed to her and got rid of at my place. The other things you can't get rid of or remove from view, time will heal. Believe me, I was absolutely crushed at first didn't eat for 3 weeks, just putting dinner together for my kids was a struggle for me. On the bright sde I lost 22lbs! But time eventually passed and fewer things made me hurt and I began to heal.

You can and will get there.

I hope this helps.

We'll try Edward my middle name, lol never get to use it for anything anyway

Edward

Good luck. I was great friends with my ex until he started dating my best friend. Now they are engaged and I can't stand to talk to either of them. I tried to at first but I couldn't stand hearing her talk about how much he had changed and what a great guy she thought he was. She switched sides - not fair!

I think it's possible to be good friends with an ex, but not in the configuration you are presenting, it just hurts too much. I am friends with an ex, but after the breakup, for years, we have not communicated. I believe we met again after he met his current wife (which I didn't know but I like her very much now), they invited me to the wedding etc.
I believe there must be a long period of 'settlement' inbetween.

Meddlemoon,

Being friends w/your X is hard to do. I know I my son's father took a long time b4 I could come to this point. We certainly aren't best friends but I can be friends w/him. I know he is remarried and has a child w/that woman. I'm ok w/that for the most part. To get to this point it took me a few yrs but that's me and my healing process.

As for my baby that is due in Dec. now that a different story. I can say that I have come face to face w/him and talked w/him since he has found out about the baby (long story). I can say that I don't want him back but at the same time it's hard to know he is w/other women. I get angry b/c he can't help me out or be there for at least the baby. Yes, I will admit that I do still hope that he cares about me in some way.

I would have to say you're not being werid just normal. Its ok to feel hurt and angry when you know he has a new GF. B/c your thinking what was so wrong w/me. I would leave the friends thing alone and back off. Don't force yourself into something you're not ready for.

I know I'm not going to try to be friends w/my new baby's father right off. I know I'm not ready to accept the fact that he reject me so coldly while I was pregnate.

Good luck to you and hope that you come to a common ground w/yourslef on being friends w/your X.

SPIRIT

Oh and I wanted to let you know my baby's father name is Rob. He was so not ready for any committ and kept stringing me along. Once again my theroy is proven right.....I feel that the persons personality in w/in thier name most of the time. Many people w/the same name act the same way! L I think I'll scrach Rob off the list w/the other jerky names I won't date ever again LOL

SPIRIT

I think being friends with the ex relies on so many different factors. I think it's possible sometimes while impossible other times, though I should add that even other times many years can make the impossible happen. I would actually consider my ex wife these many years later my friend, and that was one terrible breakup. So yeah, sometimes it does take that period of settlement, healing, forgiving.

I have to agree. It just takes time. I am friends with all my ex's right now, except the one who fathered a child with me. Maybe thats because we've never had the time to have any "time" apart. Naw. I think if I hadnt gotten pregnant, I still would not be, nor want to be friends with him. He is just to weird.
One of my ex's that I am friends with, its been 20 years (OMG) since we dated, we hadnt talked for 10 years, but then he became a very good friend of mine. He is married now, with kids of his own, but a few weeks ago he called to tell me he had seen one of his ex's (the one he left me for) and I asked how she was, and did he feel butterflys when he saw her. After we hung up, I thought how ironic it was that he was telling me about seeing her. But it didnt bother me. That felt so good. I actually wanted to know what became of her life.

Sane One so good to see you pop in.

quote:

Originally posted by iamHarmony:
[qb] Sane One so good to see you pop in. [/qb]

Hey, thanks for missing me Just so much stuff has been going on, and I havent had the energy to stop in, but I've missed it!! Cant let to much time go by.
Anyway, hope my thoughts helped in some way.

How strange that this subject came up. My son will be 7 in February, and his Dad and I are almost best friends now. Granted, we had time where we hardly spoke after the breakup 6 1/2 years ago. But now, we can talk about everything. I am still very close to him and his family. They make me and my daughter (who isn't his) part of their family plans. The ex's girlfriend and I get along great. We go on girls nights out together. We talk about him. His quirks, his ways, and how happy I am that they are together. He and I aren't meant to be a couple, and I'm OK with that. I'm glad to see him so happy with someone that I absolutely love. She loves my kids as if they were her own. She's good to the ex. She would do whatever she could to help me if I needed it. I can tell you that I mean it when I say that I hope they get married. And I've told them as such. It seems a little strange to a lot of people that hear it or witness it, but it works for us. It takes time, but I know that my kids are so much better off since we get along so well. There's none of the tension, the heartbreak, the jealousy (OK, maybe a little of that since he just bought a new car ) but it's great. I advise you to spend some time apart, make a list of why you didn't work, and a list of his good qualities. Find things to fill the void. You'll be fine... and try to be friends... it's not always as hard as it sounds.

If you can do it for the kids, then you should really try. Even if it hurts. Unless, of course, he is just a really bad person and you don't want him around your kids to begin with (which doesn't seem to be the case, but I had to add it just in case). Yes, breaking up hurts. And when you have feelings for someone, it's hard to imagine them with someone else. That's normal and you can't 'cure' normal. But it does fade. It gets easier. And when you meet the guy you're meant to be with for the rest of your life, you'll think back and wonder what the hell you saw in him anyway. But for now, it's going to hurt. The reality of our existence is that we do have to suffer sometimes. Keep your head up. Brighter days are coming.

Great question meddlemoon. I don't have a clue how to begin being real friends with my ex. He has treated me like crap for the past year and could care less. How do you be friends with someone who could care less about you even though you have children together?