My ex and I recently tried to work things out again and OF COURSE they didn't work. He is verbally abusive and very controlling. This time we have broken all contact except regarding our three kids. But I still miss him! Everyone thinks I am crazy and that I should be glad that I am finally done with him. I know I should feel that way, but I was best friends with him since I was 16 and it's hard to let that all go. Maybe I am crazy but I am depressed and crying and fighting the urge to call him. I am fine all day, I have three kids to keep me busy and I love having my days filled with them. After they go to bed it's different, that's when I get lonely. Has anyone else felt like this and what helped get your mind off of it?

4strong

Getting over any long term relationship no matter how bad it was is hard and takes time.

You might try going to some single parent events in the area. You are between Emerald Empire and City of Roses chapters of PWP. City of Roses meets on the 2nd Wed of the month and Emerald Empire meets on the 2nd Thursday.

If you want you can PM me for more info or go to www.parentswithoutpartners.org/.
City of Roses site is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PWProsecitychapter/

You can bring the kids to the orientation.

4Strong,
Has anyone else felt like that? Probably most of the poeple on this forum....and you're right....at night all alone is THE WORST.

For me, knowing why I was feeling that way really helped as well as knowing what the normal grieving and depression cycle is.

I wish someone had told me about his sooner, so I recommend it as much as possible:

http://www.divorcecare.com

Plus all of the people here are more than willing to lend support wherever we can.

Good luck, Sweetie, our prayers are with you.

Thanks I will visit those websites as soon I get done here! I have visited the singles group in my church but everyone there had a VERY different life than me and I got kinda discouraged. It would be nice to meet with other single parents. This place is wonderful

That divorce care website is awesome! I found a church near me that offers a class for kids going through it. That would be perfect for my son, he is always asking why his friends live with their mommy and daddy and he only lives with mommy. I am very excited, thank you!

Word of caution:

Some of what you hear, you may not like...sometimes truth is hard to hear. I know I didnt...but in the end... I'm very grateful for it.

As far as the kid part goes....They end up dealing with some sensitive issues...so be prepared for questions from your son. You might want to review the course with the Kid'sCare instructor prior to.

Good Luck.

Thanks! I deffinatly will get an outline of the course before I put him in it. I would like him to be around other kids going through this so he doesn't feel like he's the only one. He goes to a religous private school right now and there is no one in his class that has divorced parents.

Quote from 4strong
<After they go to bed it's different, that's when I get lonely. Has anyone else felt like this>

Uh, only like every day. I'm not sure what you do about that. But I know that going back just because you dont want to be alone isn't the answer. Listen to Paulj. He knows what he's talking about.

quote:

Originally posted by 4strong:
After they go to bed it's different, that's when I get lonely.

I get lonely at night, at work, when his mother picks him up, whenever he is not there. I have a dependancy on him right now, and I know that is not a good thing. Hopefully by begining to go to church, and being more active with my friends socially, I will be able to not feel as lonely at times. As to how not to feel lonely at night....time and patience. When I got divorced it took me a long time to be able to rest easily at night.

The way that I remember finally being able to not be lonely anymore was that I had gotten into another relationship that I was not happy in, and when I decided to end that relationship, I wasn't lonely at night by myself any more. I am not suggesting that as a way to eleviate your lonliness, I just feel that it is in fact a state of mind. You just need to stop focusing on what makes you feel alone and focus your energy and thoughts on things that you have, and what makes you happy. I know that as I type this, I myself don't even do it, but by pondering what is wrong or missing from our lives, we fail to see all the things that we have that we should truly be thankful for.

I know what you mean about the dependency thing! I have been trying to put ALL my energy into my kids, every waking moment. Today my 4 year looked at me and goes "mommy I just want to watch cartoons can you go find something else to do?" (that's what I always tell them when I am busy) I had to laugh cause even at four they need their own space sometimes! :-) But i am getting better. I joined a Bible study at church and I am starting to be able to find better ways to deal. As for having another relationship, that's the farthest thing from my mind right now! More then anything it just scares me. I kinda lost all my faith in men! (As my family puts it I have an unhealthy fear of men! :-) But God is bringing me through and I know I will be stronger for it in the end!

Hello 4Strong,

I known this thread has grown stale, but I just wanted to chip in my 2 cents.

Its very easy to understand why you miss him so much; if he is the only man you've been with since you were 16, then you have grown comfortable with him, despite the fact he is abusive. Its all that you know and anything else feels uncomfortable, even if its healthier for you.

Its alot like people that grew up in an abusive family; they tend to gravitate towards abusive partners becauses its what they know and are used to.

Same goes with your fear of men. This guy sounds like your only point of reference regarding men. You haven't had any good experience with men; therefore all men must be bad.

Sadly, there are alot of bad, abusive men out there. Ditto for women. But it doesn't men ALL man are abusive.

I suggest that, when you are ready to date, be aware of this and try not to gravitate towards the abusive men.I think it may be a temptation for you because its what you grew comfortable with.

I think what you need right now is just alot of time with yourself and your friends, and get used to that. Let that become you're new norm.

4strong,

I wanted to make another comment that I realized today. I still love my sons mother VERY MUCH. When she brings him home and picks him up, I just want to grab her and love her and hug her and never let her go. It really saddens me that I then have to mentally rationalize to myself everything that she has done to my son and I. It kills me to have to relive the heartache and the pain that she has caused daily when I see her, but it is the only thing that keeps me from wanting her back.

I miss her severely, but I don't miss the way that she treated me. I don't miss the way that she deals with my son, and takes him places that are unsound and unsafe. I don't miss the fact that after everything that I tried to do to make this family work, she laughed in my face and walked out on both me and my son.

Will I continue to love her and miss her? Yes I will, but the issue here is that I love someone who is not that someone anymore. She has changed into someone I don't know, and frankly someone I don't want to know. If I could have the old Jamie back, I would grab on and never let go, but that is not who she is now. She is a new person, and with that, I must admit that my feelings for her will never be realized.

As the phrase goes, She made her bed, now she must lay in it. Maybe one day she will realize just what has happened, and I wish her no ill will or harm. I just hope that someday she is able to find what she wants.

I think that I may have gone into a tangent a little bit, but I too still miss my sons mother. I can relate to what you are going through, and my prayers are with you.

TreysDaddy, I find myself saying that everyday! What happend to the Man I married because he certainly isn't that man anymore. And it kills me because for the first 5 years we were married we were happy and in love and had a wonderful family. But I have to remember that that's no longer him and it's really hard. By the way the picture of Trey crying is SO cute, I have ones like that of all my babies!

Bikejon, thank you so much for the advice and I agree he is my only point of reference twoards men in a relationship sense. I do however have an amazing relationship with my father and always have. So I know there are good men out there, I just haven't found any that aren't afraid of a 24 year old with three kids under 4! :-) I agree that I need to give myself time and get used to my life as it is now. And I am learning to be ok with that. One positive thing I have gotten from this is my new found strength, I now know that i don't need anyone else to rely on, I can do this myself and having that confidence is wonderful!

Hey Strong,

I went thru the same thing you & TD went thru; what happened to the person I married? She changed. I could see her growing away from me. I asked her about it and she said she was changing and needed her space, which I respected. She decided she wanted a more spiritual life with a more spiritual man. Oh well, people do change.

I had all these weird dreams after we split; she had been possessed by an evil spirit and no one could see the difference but me, her and her boyfriend were plotting to kill me, etc etc. Weird dreams.

I guess we need to grow with our partners or get left behind. But in some cases we are the ones to grow and the other doesn't, and they split. Relationships are tough.

Strong, I hate to break this to you, but not a lot of 20 something guys are going to want the responsibility of becoming serious with a woman with 3 kids. I think at that age they are still foot loose and fancy free.

The guys that age that do have strong paternal instincts most likey want to start their own families, rather then be stepdads to another man's children.

But there exceptions; my ex had 2 kids when I met her. We married, but she agreed to have another child because I wanted "one of my own" (she wanted a third anyway, and we seriously considered having a fourth).

So there are guys out there for you, I just think they will be the exception rather then the rule. Good luck!

I know there are hardly any 20 something guys that want that responsibility. Their own father doesn't want that resposibility and they are his kids! That's kinda why I have braced myself for the fact that I will probably be single for a LONG time! But I am ok with that. I love my kids and they are all I need. Of course that doesn't stop me from praying for the right guy to come along! I still want more kids, so that's not an issue for me, I always wanted a big family. In fact it makes me kinda sad to think that I might not have more babies...