Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Ex's Miss how time with my son use to be|
Go
|
New
|
Find
|
Notify
|
Tools
|
Reply
|
|
|
I am New to SFV |
I have been divorced for a year ,now my ex has a girlfreind and has begun to include her in activities we use to do as a family, they went to a birthday party together at my old girlfriends house, they went hiking together which I always did with my son-I didn't realize how much these things would hurt.I want to make future descions based on what's right for my son and myself instead of continuing to hang on to what use to be and becoming so upset when I think about the time he is now sharing with my ex and his girlfreind. Does the tremendous feeling of loss and guilt ever get better,even though I was the one to leave my spouse it doesn't make the pain any better.
When I see my son I don't feel replaced I feel relieved, it's more like moving on from this petty jealousy and the intense feeling of the loss of how our life use to be as a family, despite the marriage not being good. Can anyone relate and tell me how they get through it? Thankyou |
||
|
|
On the Board |
Its too bad you have these feelings of guilt, but I think u need to stop laying this at the feet of your ex. I dont know enough about him or you to take sides, but I can take your son's side. By leaving, you controlled the situation and in doing so left his day-to-day care up to your ex. I think u need to own up to your lack of responsibility here, and try to do some bridge building of trust with your son. My sympathy lies completely with him. If u sincerely want to do whats right for your son then u need look beyond your own feelings and make any sacrifices necessary. Good luck.
 |
|||
|
|
SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Wow...this is like the first time I've ever seen anyone pose a question like this...really takes some guts. I'm very impressed. I happen to be in the role of the man's side of that type of scenario..let me think about this some and I'll get back to this.
btw, welcome.   I'm a man of many mysteries and sides....SO many I'm practically round!! |
|||
|
|
"Parent on Board" Active Board Parent |
Hi,
I think it is quite a big ask for your son to move from where he is being raised mostly because I think teenagers tend to be quite settled in their peer group and it is difficult for them to start in a new group. Would it not be like asking him to reject his Dad who has been his primary care giver since you left? If you could manage to have a civil relationship with his Dad then moving closer would be my first choice. Also I think you need to keep in mind that your son is now 15 and more and more he is going to want to branch out and spend more time with his friends and less with either of his parents. That said for the next couple of years is your best chance of nurturing your relationship for the future. As for your ex calling the shots, he is doing the day to day slog and it is that parent that gets to “call the shots”. If you were closer and more involved then perhaps that feeling would diminish. As for being hurt with him moving on with his life, it is irrational and unexpected but a huge number of parents here have expressed exactly the same emotion. I know I felt like that on occasions but it does pass. The fact that you speak to your son every day, you have obviously tried to maintain your relationship, and I would do whatever it takes to make it strong for the future. I just feel really strongly that asking him to choose between staying with his Dad and moving to you is putting a huge pressure on a child and could make things a lot worse. I don’t know if the pain and loss goes away, I suspect they don’t but like all pain you just get better at absorbing it. I admire your courage in facing this all. Aroha Zealand |
|||
|
|
"Active Board Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Ok let me start with...
 ... I really hope u decide to stay. I too apologize if you felt ignored for maybe not getting more advice. Did you move out of state for your job? Or did you just move to "try and get away from the hurt"? I know firsthand how it feels for ex to have new gf and take them to "our" friends or even my relatives. I have been divorced for 7 yrs and it still bothers me that my ex takes his gf to my brothers house. Or that my brother chooses to even go out with them. But nothing I can do about that...and i live 2 houses down from my brother!! I as a momma can understand if your son was much younger and you leaving...but you let your son make his own decision. Don't beat yourself up over this. But personally, I would want to be closer!! My ex has always lived within 30 minutes of us...but still as me being the custodial parent, there were/are certain things that he needs to go thru me for. But then my ex has mostly been irresponsible. I think i have rambled and not helped you much at all but I truly hope you stay. A little faith will bring your soul to heaven; A great faith will bring heaven to your soul. --Charles Spurgeon |
|||
|
|
On the Board |
Welcome!!
I hope you decide to stay around. I rarely get on my computer so I'm not on here much and I really don't have any real relationships with many on this site, 1 person to be exact that I have relied on. But that's my fault...anyway, I think peace is the key here. You need to have peace with how his father raises him. I have shared custody so we have equal time and I get along with my ex and his wife. It's best for the kids and I feel my kids are always treated the best they can be and I have to have peace with it. Do I have guilt and what not? Every now and then. But I trust God to keep my kids and guide me to do my best as well as their father. It's hard no matter what the situation. I hope you can get through this and not beat yourself up so much. As well your son will be an adult soon. Think of all the years you've already given him. H ewon't forget what you have taught him. Keep contact and be a good listener and if possible to help you, move back. Good luck and God's peace be with you. Kim |
|||
|
|
I am New to SFV |
I would really appreciate you getting back to me with your thoughts when you have the time, Thank You
|
|||
|
|
"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Manguso80,
I have read all your posts and unless there is something I have missed I can definately see your frustration with the board. I am quite confussed about some of the responces to your original post. Again unless there is something I have missed it almost sounds like some people were presuming a lot and responding to it. In responce to your original post- Yes, even though you were the person who initiated the divorce there is still a great loss there. Not only the loss of a partner but the loss of a dream. I don't think any one ever gets married with the intent of getting a divorce. Now your dream of sharing a life with someone and raising your son together is gone and it probably feels like your ex's girlfriend is in that role. I can see where that would be very painful for you. How to move on from it is simply difficult at times. It is a growth with you that will have to happen and I do believe it will happen. I can see why you would be a little jealous. Someone else is doing what meant so much to you with your son. Although it is difficult but maybe if you are able to see that at least your son gets along with her and has someone else who cares about him in his life. We all need caring. Maybe focusing on that will help you to be able to move on a little. Also keep focusing on your son and your relationship with him. No body can replace a good mother who cares, no body. Have you ever heard how your son feels about the divorce and things that have happened? It might be time to ask him. Really try and be a good listener and see where he is at. It may turn into an opportunity to give him a better understanding of where you are at also, but I would listen first for sure. I sure hope I have helped. I think I am really getting what you are saying. Like I said I am confused at the responces you got. It will get easier with time and you will recover. Unfortunately sometimes it takes us longer than we think it should. I wish you the best and God bless. The task ahead of you is never as great as the POWER within you. Judge others only when you are ready to be judged. Ray |
|||
|
|
SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Manguso,
Whoa..did I read this wrong??! If I did...my most humble apologies..no joke. The way I read it...and I've re-read your original post a few times just to make sure... I read it (incorrectly)as you having left your husband, with your CHILD in his care. To which I post: 1. Even if this is the case, ...I dont know your circumstances, and forgive me if the post sounded judgemental. As I said being on the opposite end of the type of situation, I am obviously ( and now made keenly aware of) being very sensitive about it. Probably too sensitive. 2. If this is not the situation, and I presumed incorrectly, I do ask your forgiveness. I'm a man of many mysteries and sides....SO many I'm practically round!! |
|||
|
|
"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I really don't understand what difference it makes if she has left her child in his care or not. This is a support group and her feelings are the same regardless.
I think it is best to assume that no matter what she did it was done the best way that was known at the time. It is easy for someone not in the situation to say that they would have handled it differently or a "better" way when the truth is we just don't know unless we were there. This is true for either a man or women. I know for myself there are a lot of things I could have done differently and better looking back, but for the moment I handled them the best I could. Hind site is always 20/20. The task ahead of you is never as great as the POWER within you. Judge others only when you are ready to be judged. Ray |
|||
|
|
I am New to SFV |
Thank You for your thoughts they really helped me
|
|||
|
|
I am New to SFV |
I wanted to Thank You for your understanding, you did not read the orginal post incorrectly, it was another's that I reacted to. I mis-understood your first response. I thought you had left your child in his/her Mom's care and that you were going to write back because you could relate to that. No need for forgiveness, I'm glad you took the time to try to understand. I felt good when your orginal response was impressed with the guts it took me to be so honest-Thank You
|
|||
|
|
I am New to SFV |
If I haven't already said it, Thank You for this response to my post, it helped me feel calm. I think I will keep checking in.
|
|||
|
|
"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Manguso,
I am very pleased to see you have checked in. And glad I was able to help some how. This really is a very good site with awesome people here. They have helped me through so much. I hope to continue seeing you around so you may discover it too. Keep coming back, keep posting! God bless and lots of prayers. The task ahead of you is never as great as the POWER within you. Judge others only when you are ready to be judged. Ray |
|||
|
|
"Parent on Board" Active Board Parent |
Manguso,
So pleased to see you are still here!! I am sorry it was a bumpy start but I am sure that you will find a lot of support here. Aroha  Zealand |
|||
|
| Previous Topic | Next Topic | powered by eve community |
 | Please Wait. Your request is being processed... |
|
|||
| Site | Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online | ||
| Servlet | eve1da045 | ||
| Version | 1.2.22 build 9062 | ||
| Module | Forums 4.0.3 | ||
| Stylesheet | "Fall Style" | ||
| Wordlet Set | "SFV" | ||
|
Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Ex's Miss how time with my son use to be
