DH won't sign the seperation papers because he wants me to agree to something I deem unfair for my daughter.

He wants visitation cut down to 1 week per year to visit DD. 1 week, 7 days a year.

I wanted 2 weeks every 6 months. He wants 1 week every 12 months. I will not agree.

Then, he also wants me to show him my bills again. He won't give up his bills, he wants to see my bills because he is giving me $2000.00 month to help me until I get on my feet with college. He wants to see what I am spending my money on and wants to drop the support he's sending me.

So now, because I am putting my foot down for a fair deal for everyone, esp. my DD, I am now locked into either agreeing or staying married to him.

I just want him to leave me alone and just disappear. Should I just agree to his b.s. visition and let him bury himself? He already said he is not coming this summer. It will be one year since he saw her. What should I do. I don't want to be controlled by him. I want the best for DD. I want them to have a relationship but he is not putting in the effort.

I understand if you dont want to be with someone anymore. And I know that being in the military, family comes second. That's the way its always been and always will be. Considering that he's overseas and doesn't exactly know when he's gonna be back . . . I dont quite understand what the problem is with visitation. If I read this right, he wants 1 week per year. Maybe right now that's realistic to him as he is deployed and doesn't know when he will be where. Granted I think its **** that a father would want to see his daughter only once a year but whatever. That's for him to deal with.

This basically means you will have your daughter all to yourself. I think he's being rather nice by giving you those funds to support you until you finish school. I think if you can get this solved amicably on terms that are appropriate for now, then I would do it. Yes he should want to spend more time with her but that might not be an option for him right now.

Sorry if this sounds mean or whatnot but being that I'm in a military family, I have respect for those who fight and risk their lives for our country and while this divorce is something that is a big deal in your life, it may not be a big deal to him compared (not I said compared) to him being in harm's way and risking his life.

If he is willing to suppose you and your child and help you while you finish school and he's being civil, take it. This is just my opinion.

Hi
Maybe you have already answered this, but how long have you been married?

Are you still in the US?

every State has no fault divorce now, so you can leave him at anytime.
And with him being the father of you child he will pay child support and even maintenice to you.
You don't have to show him any bill's, it will all be based on what he makes, not you. (ask me how I know)

anyway you will need a lawyer for all this.
it's not going to be pretty, but you should do ok, if you right before God, then you have nothing to fear.

Dawg

truthfully, even if he agreed to 2 weeks a year there is nothing that says that he has to actually visit during those times. Just like if you agree to 1 week, nothing says that he has to actually make that visit....it just means that he is entitled to that per the courts.
Again honestly, compared to the "standard" visitation schedules of every other weekend, every other holiday, and a couple weeks in the summer I don't see much difference between 1 and 2 weeks for the entire year. I understand that his position pretty much excludes a more regular visitation anyway.
But back to the agreement....sounds like you might as well agree and then hope that he even makes that one week a year happen.

quote:

I want the best for DD

If you don't mind my asking...
In regard to the above statement...then why are you trying to force your daughter to spend time with someone who obviously doesn't want to spend time with her or have the responsibility to be a parent??
You can't force someone to be a responsible caring parent...
Myself as well as many here can back that up as fact...

So lets say you stand your ground and he excepts your terms....
Do you really think he would spend that time being a better parent to her....
The answer is more than likely "no"....and in fact the time he would spend with her will be effected because he's mad that you forced him to keep her longer....
Sound like a fun time for your daughter??

If the assshole doesn't want to spend time with her then do whats best for her and don't send her to him...

GBML,

His offer seems very nice :O especially if he is following through with it.

It's unfortunate he doesn't want more time with his daughter. I agree with the above posters... you can't force someone to be a great dad and sometimes just doing that creates more hurt feelings and problems than a parent who just disappears.

Very few people get spousal support these days and the amount of CS is only a fraction of their income.... meaning if you get $2k in CS for one child, he must be earning pver $100k a year.

I suppose you need to look at your priorities and consider your obligation he expects if you are to remain married. Many people remain married for financial reasons with both parties knowing it.

If my EX gave me that deal 10 years ago and complied... it would be a blessing to me.

I think HB has an excellent point. I also agree with Don that this is better than the every other weekend type of arrangements that so many here have to put up with. While I know how important it is to have her father in her life, it will become apparent to her eventually that he really doesn't want to be there (if he only wants one week now, I expect eventually he'll want out of that too). Spare her that and let him go on. Work on making the life you share with your daughter a good one.

To clarify...I mean that a regular standard visitation would mean more time being spent with the child throughout the year on a more constant basis with the longer 2 week visitation during the summer after having at least been in regular contact and relationship throughout the year. Compared to if he is only going to/or is only able to commit to once a year I don't see there being a whole lot of difference whether that was 1 week or 2 weeks.....either amount is still just a drop in the bucket compared to something more constant/consistent.

My EX has standard visitation and 2 months in the summer... He sees them once a year for about a month to 6 weeks. This visitation schedule is becoming very awkward for my tween and teen.

Don made an excellent point. A 1 to 2 week visitation is much easier IMO than having a standard. If he has a long distance plan... that would almost give the non-custodial parent most of the holidays and summer. My EX could argue for most of our children's winter holiday every year which isn't unusual if he lives a good distance away and doesn't have the chance to see them every other week.

DH is in North Carolina, not deployed.

Let me think about everything else, but I wanted to get it out there, he's not overseas or in danger, he's in NC drinking his beer with his friends.

quote:

Originally posted by HannahsBoy:

quote:

I want the best for DD

If you don't mind my asking...
In regard to the above statement...then why are you trying to force your daughter to spend time with someone who obviously doesn't want to spend time with her or have the responsibility to be a parent??
You can't force someone to be a responsible caring parent...
Myself as well as many here can back that up as fact...

So lets say you stand your ground and he excepts your terms....
Do you really think he would spend that time being a better parent to her....
The answer is more than likely "no"....and in fact the time he would spend with her will be effected because he's mad that you forced him to keep her longer....
Sound like a fun time for your daughter??

If the assshole doesn't want to spend time with her then do whats best for her and don't send her to him...

He'd have to come here to WA due to the fact she's not yet 3 yrs. old. I will not allow hers to travel alone until she is a teen.

And no, she's made mentions that she doesn't want to talk to him and that Abbie has no daddy.

Maybe I'm still living in my fanatsy that he's going to snap out of it and come groveling back to me and our family will be happy again.

I have asked for full custody of DD, he already said no, he will sue me. I asked him if he will follow the parenting plan, he's not sure. I guess if I agree to his cheap skate idea of being a parent and he doesn't follow through, he's gonna just shoot himself in the arse.

My whole thought is this, if your gonna be there, be there, if your not, then do the right thing, don't half @ss it, because the only one who ends up hurt is DD.

I sound really half-hearted because I know if I try to force or push him to be a "parent" then he's gonna just resist it more. Your right, I can see it. I asked him to call her 3 nights a week and one night on the weekend. He can't do that. I asked him to web cam with her at least once a month, he hasn't in 6 months. Maybe I'm to demanding, but I did not create her on my own. I never asked for him to get all freaked out in Iraq and why should I have to be the sole parent because he has issues he doesn't want to deal with except by blowing off his reponsibilites and partying it up.

quote:

Originally posted by Tessmit:
GBML,

especially if he is following through with it.

Very few people get spousal support these days and the amount of CS is only a fraction of their income.... meaning if you get $2k in CS for one child, he must be earning pver $100k a year.

I suppose you need to look at your priorities and consider your obligation he expects if you are to remain married. Many people remain married for financial reasons with both parties knowing it.

First off, he has yet to follow through with a dang thing he has promised me or DD. Cr@p, I mailed the man a piece of paper to get his name off a joint bank acct. of mine from 9 years ago and he has YET to sign it and mail it to the bank. Take 3 seconds and it's even a no postage nessesary envelope. In the last few year, it has turned into if it doesn't benefit him or make him happy, screw everyone else.

He's sending me $2000/month to help me out. I'll give him that credit that he didn't throw us out on our behinds. I take about 3/4 of his paycheck. I know, greedy greedy me. Hey, I've got manicures to keep up here. No really, he sends me that much because about 80% of our debt we have incured together is ironically in my name, so he is helping me take care of the debt. I am NOT getting rich over here by him, so don't get that impression.

Seeing I've been busy raising kids the last few years, I'm not all that marketable, hence why I'm in school, so I can bust out of 12.00/hr receptionist jobs (which where I live stinks as an income)

What are my priorities...I have them and they are in check. Get my AA, get my teaching degree, raise my daughter to be a strong woman who won't take chit from any man.

What do I expect from him...I expect him to quit belittling me. I expect him to be a man and get counseling. I expect him to communicate with me verses hold things inside then blow up at me months later. I expect him to either own up to his mistakes, and to quit turning them on to me. I expect him to quit yelling at me and calling me names. I expect him to pay his obligation to me and provide a good life for our daughter as it was planned before he got all messed up. I expect him to provide for us as a husband should until I am able to on my own. I expect him to quit drinking and partying and start acting as a senior non-commissioned officer in the US Army. I expect alot from him.

What does he expect from me...oh that's easy. He expects me to shut it and take it. It was a turn on that I was a very open minded strong opinionated woman who didn't take nothing from no one. Now, it is a fault that he hates because I stood up and challenged him one to many times.

I think I answered your statements...sometimes I get off the topic...blame my ADD

quote:

Originally posted by FlyingDevildog:
Hi
Maybe you have already answered this, but how long have you been married?

Are you still in the US?

Married to him 6 yrs.

I'm in WA, he's in NC

quote:

Originally posted by smshybug:
Granted I think its **** that a father would want to see his daughter only once a year but whatever. That's for him to deal with.

This basically means you will have your daughter all to yourself. I think he's being rather nice by giving you those funds to support you until you finish school. I think if you can get this solved amicably on terms that are appropriate for now, then I would do it. Yes he should want to spend more time with her but that might not be an option for him right now.

it may not be a big deal to him compared (not I said compared) to him being in harm's way and risking his life.

If he is willing to suppose you and your child and help you while you finish school and he's being civil, take it. This is just my opinion.

Yeah it is **** but really, I'm not going to be the one who he has to answer to when that time comes. Karma will come around.

Yeah, spending time with his kid will cut into his JD drinking time.

Nope, divorce or seperation isn't a big deal to him. When stuff gets tough, instead of sticking it out, he learned from his father (who is on wife 4 or 5 now...) to just leave, because that is what his dad did and that is what he learn. We were having a disagreement over actually something minor for 8 months when he decided on his own that our marriage was unsalvagable. No marriage counseling, no letting me know there was a problem. In fact he came to this conclusion and decision in November 2006. He let me know of the problem in August 2007. Literally, I was side blinded by a "Dear John" letter by him. So, in my eyes, he owes me civility for me not beating him with my flip flops (or snow boot) over the head. (that's humor lol)

You know what, reading this it makes me come out as a cold hearted greedy stuck up biatch. I am not, I'm about the most down to earth, hardworking and fun person.

I hate being back into corners where I have to fight my way out by him. If I disagree, he pulls out the insults. I've gotten so used to them that it's making me numb to the outside world.

I'm sorry if I am coming across that way.