I was hoping to put this out there and see if anyone has any golden advice. At this point I would even take the not so golden kind.

I am a never-married single mother. I had my daughter in college out of a relationship that failed while I was still pregnant. He made it very clear that he did not want to be a parent and I still chose to parent my daughter and have known without a doubt that was the best choice in the world. My daughters father has never been a part of her life though I am one of the lucky ones that actually receives a monthly check.

For the first eight years of my daughter's life she has believed that she doesn't have a dad. I have never lied to her but I have been careful to only anser the questions she has actually asked. Well..the questions are shifting and I am afraid that I am going to have to start telling her more details about it. Unfortunately the details aren't pretty. Even though he said he wasn't ready to be a dad, when my daughter was three months old, her father started dating a woman who was a single mother of a three month old little girl who eventually married and adopted her daughter. He has since had two more children with her. So...all that back story to ask how to explain this "deadbeat dad" to my daughter? Has anyone had any similar experience? I really don't think it is best for her to have him in her life and he has never made any attempt to be anything more than a support paying sperm donor. Any advice would be much appreciated. How do I tell my daughter about her father, while protecting her at the same time? How do I help her explain the fact that she doesn't have a father to all the other little kids that ask why she doesn't? This is one of the rare occasions when I feel for a split second that it would be easier to be divorced...ok second has passed.
Any advice?

Hello and welcome to the forum. There are several other members with similar situation that may read your post and respond.

My situation was different. I was married and my sons father was in his life in the early years.
So I have no specific details that I can give you for how to handle it.

With us I used and still do use (choices) when discussing the father. I explain that he made choices that were not healthy or safe for a family.

I have found that sometimes children create their our stories in their imagination if they don't have any details to go on. Which can sometimes involve creating the missing parent into a icon that they dream about.

I can only say answer the new questions as simply and honestly as possible. She most likely doesn't need all the details but an honest overview.
I would try to avoid any hazyiness that might lead her to tie his not being there to herself and her value.

It was his choice at that time not to be a part of your life and not to know how to be or what it is like to be a father.
It isn't easy and it is hard, but you can do it.
Perhaps providing her with an opportunity to dicuss her feelings with a councilor incase there are things she wants to talk about with someone outside.

Good luck mom

hey lovin,My brother had three children with a woman,got divorced,remarried,always paid child support but had little to do with his kids...I never understood this so I ask him about it and he said every time he tried things were so crazy with her it became impossible...sorry lame excuse nobody would keep me out of my childrens life,as for what to tell your child,the truth as she matures to handle it...i feal for her and you too,you are obviously a good mother not wanting to hurt your child anymore than absolutely possible. any chance of someone decent coming along for you?All children need positive role models moms and dads.good luck... ray in missouri

quote:

Originally posted by Harmony & Me:


With us I used and still do use (choices) when discussing the father. I explain that he made choices that were not healthy or safe for a family.

I have found that sometimes children create their our stories in their imagination if they don't have any details to go on. Which can sometimes involve creating the missing parent into a icon that they dream about.

I can only say answer the new questions as simply and honestly as possible. She most likely doesn't need all the details but an honest overview.

I would try to avoid any hazyiness that might lead her to tie his not being there to herself and her value.

It was his choice at that time not to be a part of your life and not to know how to be or what it is like to be a father.
It isn't easy and it is hard, but you can do it.
Perhaps providing her with an opportunity to dicuss her feelings with a councilor incase there are things she wants to talk about with someone outside.

Good luck mom

Thanks for your response. I think it is important to talk about choices and I like the way you put that. I wonder how she might be creating an idea of a perfect dad. For her though, she doesn't have a picture of a great dad that might be out there, she just doesn't have a dad. Rather, I think she has idealized what it would be like to have a dad someday...I hope that happens for her and that would certainly make this issue easier.
Thanks

quote:

Originally posted by raymond:
hey lovin,My brother had three children with a woman,got divorced,remarried,always paid child support but had little to do with his kids...I never understood this so I ask him about it and he said every time he tried things were so crazy with her it became impossible...sorry lame excuse nobody would keep me out of my childrens life,as for what to tell your child,the truth as she matures to handle it...i feal for her and you too,you are obviously a good mother not wanting to hurt your child anymore than absolutely possible. any chance of someone decent coming along for you?All children need positive role models moms and dads.good luck... ray in missouri

I hope that someone comes along but that is yet to be seen. Thankfully to her, God is her Father and you can't beat that role model. If God sends us a man, we will definitely be thankful for. SHe even recently asked me, "so when are you going to find a man that's good enough and that you love?" Strong words from an eight year old!
Thanks

I agree..keep it simple. Let her know that her father had no interest in being a father and you know that he's married. Period. The rest of the story may be too painful or have a negative impact on her. When she's old enough, she'll figure out the rest.