I try to manintain open comunication with my ex only because of my daughter. If I didn't think it was the best thing for her i would never talk to him this is why.I talked to my ex today about something that have to do with our daughter. The convo was not good. We argued most the convo. Then he turned the convo into something totally off the subject and started saying things like "you still want to be with me and have *** with me" "lets me and my gf and u and your bf have a 4some" He knows I am not that way and says these things to **** me off. And when I turned it around on him and said what would your gf say if she knew u said these things to me. His response was "she would not be happy and kick my a**"" Why does he act this way? Its frustrating. why can't i just hang up the phone and say "this has nothing to do with our daughter goodbyw" the only time he listens to me and actually does what i say is when i let him talk to me that way. i can't stand it. I'm feeling like I am still under his control when we have been apart for 3+ years and both in commited relationships for over a year. I want the communication for my daughter because i know as co-parents that is important. but when is enough enough. I don't want to feel like I am giving up either by stopping all communication. I asked him not to talk to me that way and to stop saying those things. Once i told him to stop and hung up the phone. For 1 month I never got return calls in ref to our daughters cheerleading and when he did call he was soo mean and hurtful. I only want him to be my daughters father and have nothing to do with me. I am at the point where worry about us communicating is not important anymore. I can't stand talking to him. i hide behind the fact i know its best for our daughter for too long. sorry for the long rant. i just can't figure out what to do.... any help??

Communicate in writing I do and it drives my ex nuts. She phrases demands as questions and then when I don't agree then she blows up, so I have told her to put it in writing. When I need to give her info or need to know something then I have my mom do the talking or my attorney.

Hey Bunny,
I had that problem in the beginning with my Ex. And I made it clear that I didnt have to answer to any outbursts anymore. And I backed it up. I dont know how many times I said, "ok, good bye" and hung up.

Like Dad says do everything in writing, and/or via email. for important things, do it via certified mail, so he'll have to sign for it. Let him know that you have enlisted some external free legal counsel (snickering: that's us..LOL) and that they have advised you to do this. Ok..you dont have to call us "legal counsel" LOL ..but you can. And make it obvious that you are serious and determined to continue this way.

Otherwise discontinue contact with him altogether, with a formal letter stating such until "YOUR" terms of apology and communication are met.

But, from now on, for future references and ALL matters do everything in writing.

In agreement here, you don't need to let him talk to you that way....you don't deserve that harassment, which is what it is. It's a good idea to try to communicate via email, that way you also can save those if he decides to still talk that way even in writing, besides just not having to deal with that sort of crude behavior directly.

I too am learning that I dont need to take that abuse, and you certainly dont either.. I agree with the email choice and I intend on using the same method. I am very sorry that you have to endure such behavior and have it ruin your days.. I truly hope you can find peace in this situation because, your intentions are correct with speaking only about your daughter.. I dont know what it is about some people (or in this case your ex or mine).. they just cant grow up!

Thanks everyone for your advice. I needed some people to talk to and get this off my mind more than anything tonight. i will have to write letters since he does not read/check his e-mail often and when he does its normally his gf who checks it and has in the past has deleted my e-mails. Sometimes its so had to communicate this way when all you need is a quick answer. that truley as adults you think one could handle. He has proven its too hard. I wonder if this sort of stuff will ever stop and he will grow up. Or am I doomed for the next 13 years?

When I got divorced from my older boys mom she just quit talking to me or them. Now 2 of them only talk to her out of duty.

If he doesn't want to respond to written communication (including email) then after a while (like a year or two) just stop writing unless it is an emergency. I do not believe in trying to force a person to be a parent.

its a shame that your ex even allows his gf to delete or even have anything to do with your conversations involving your daughter. It sounds like he is in a childish relationship... I agree with dad of 3, tell him that you want to talk strictly via email since you dont get anywhere with him on the phone and if he cant comply with that, thats his own problem and do what is best for your daughter without his input. If he wanted whats best for her he would do what he needs to do.
By the way, your daughter is beautiful!

Being as my mind turns to the dark side with idiots, I would send a detailed email also stating the abuse and the fact you will not stand for it, so let the girlfriend open it. Sorry I just have issues about mental abuse, I didn't like it when it was happening to me either.

I'm sorry Bunny, but; i would have to disagree with the others. Emails and cirtified letters are great but in the long run it's all about your child, let her see the truth. you would be surprised at just how observent children are. never lie your child, because one lie makes all the difference of a good parent or a bad one and when he does come into her life things will change. by the way, your daughter is very pretty. as for me i have four son's ( 2 & 2 step's ). lucky me! take care and be safe.

I have found that e-mails work the best for me...of course I don't have anyone reading them and deleting the e-mails yet..that must be very frustrating. I find though that many of the phone conversations I have with my ex later being twisted into something that I never said. At least with e-mail nothing can be misunderstood. It also gives me a chance to chose my words carefully. Don't get me wrong, he misunderstands most of my e-mails but at least I know what was said and what the response was, even if he tries to twist it...which he does. Hanging up on him during a phone conversation that goes bad is also a good idea. I plan on exercising this the next time he calls me at work saying ridiculous things and getting me upset.
I think as long as they know your not going to take the bull anymore it will eventually stop...at least I hope it does!

On the contrary, letters and emails CAN be misunderstood and may be used against you...don't open the door to that.
If he isn't mature enough to handle a verbal conversation with respect and decency then what makes you think he will handle letters with respect and decency. The bottom line is he sounds very immature and will say things because he knows it will aggravate you.
My solution is very simple...he would not get communication with me at all. If he is too immature to speak to you at a certain level that is respectful, why continue the conversation at any level?? It is up to him to initiate contact with your child either through a lawyer, mediator or however you have it set up so why would I even initiate a conversation that would allow such behaviour towards me and perhaps even in front of my child one day? no way...Set your boundaries by acting on it. Even if it means refusing a conversation that is going to upset you cause it sure sounds to me that is his goal when his goal should be what??? You get the picture.

that was the reason i always talked to my boys, but; i never asked them any questions about her. if they had something to tell me then they would, plus they learned which parent told the truth. let your little girl tell you how she feels but never talk bad about the father. i do hope things work out for you and your daughter. take care.

Would it be possible for your boyfriend to handle all communication with your ex? A woman my son is dating went through the same problems you are with her ex. It just kept escalating until he started handling all contact. He also let the guy know that he wasn't there to take over as the child's father etc., which helped this guy eventually get over whatever it is that makes someone behave like such a jerk. Now the three of them...who will never be friends....are at least civil.

In reply to everyone's more recent advice. I am straight up honest to a point with my daughter about things. I have tried for so long to shelter her from seeing/hearing how her father is with me. I have come to realize she will make her own decisions about him in her own time.

As for my boyfriends doing the communication. Well that is not an option. I have just recently introduced him to my daughter. I am a firm beleiver in waiting to make sure he is going to be in our lives for along term. So I can not ask him to do that nor do I feel its his responsiblity. My daughters father is not mature enough even for that.

today is a rough day. please forgive me if my replies are alittle harsh.

I think I am at the point where I am not going to try to communicate with him anymore and leave it soley in his hands. I'm just frustrated with the entire situation. And want whats best for my daughter and me not talking to him makes me stronger, healthier and mental sane. So thats what I have to do.

Thanks for your comments about my daughter being pretty, beautiful. She is the reason I wake up every morning.