OK here goes I have not talked to my ex or his family until bout a month ago my son is fifteen months old now His parents are being great now that they have gotten to know me and my son but my ex still does not try to do anything with my son. He played with him a little today when we went to his parents house but spent alot of tijme on the phone ( he got married bout four months ago and they are seperated so they were on the phoe fussing) well that is another story. So anywasy I dont know if i should approach the subject with him like tell him he needs to come over so we can talk and get stuff straightened out or if i should sit back and let him decide what to do If you have any advice i would greatly apprciate it thank you April aka singlebamamom

I feel you should let him know how you feel, get him to wake up and realize that he has a son and he needs to take responsibility for this. If he won't listen try talking to his parents about it. You shouldn't have to wait while your son gets older.

I've tried to get my sons father more involved plenty of times (my son is 9 months)and you just can't do it. Here is an old line; "you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink". I would call my son's father all of the time to tell him what is going on with his development or health and ask him to come and see him, but I stopped because it isn't my responsibility, he has a phone. In my situation the only way to get him to become a part of my son's life was by taking him to court. Once he was forced to pay child support he wanted to start seeing my son. But just in my opinion, you cannot force him to do anything he doesn't want to do and you will just aggravate yourself trying. Good luck.

I totally agree with bb21: you can't force someone into doing something or being someone that they are not. He has to want to be a father on his own....not because he feels guilted, or this and that (I have heard all of this!) because in the end everyone gets hurt, especially your child. Just because a man has a child does not give him the right in my opinion to say he is a daddy or a father...technically yes, but really, no. He has to earn the title of dad, just as you have of mom. Yes, you should tell your ex how you feel....but if he doesn't come around then neither your or your child need him. It will be his loss and no one elses. I don't think if it was me I would bring his parents into it....it is between you and your ex on his parental habits. His parents are more than welcome to give their opinion but on their own, not because you would say something to them. Saying something to them sometimes gives the impression that you can't go to your ex on your own and need others help in influencing him into doing what is the right thing. Good luck and keep us updated on everything!

Ha Ha ....I love the analogy of "you can lead a horse to water but you can not make him drink".....you know what you can 'dunk its head under and the horse will soon drink'. If you ex is decent enough, just the average lazy and ignorant but has no other issues like drink, drugs or temper issues...why ask him to have junior, its a bit of a gamble (and assess the situation acording to your knowledge of him) but why not take junior round to his place when you know he is in and promptly leave Jr with him for an hour or so, no arguements....there is nothing he can do other than play with the child and deal with the situation and become a better dad and person.

I know everyone will jump in and suggest that it would be cruel on the child, but think logically (as long as the father has no abusive traits)as a single parent the child has been put in your care 100% and for most it was not voluntary and you would want to share responsabilty but are unable....does the child being forced on you make you resentful and neglectful...No, it brings you close....would you have made a conscious choice to look after the child on your own if you had an alternative, No, of course not....so why do you think these imature men are going to take responsability and choose to grow up and conscentrate on their kids..they don't have to - they have you to do it.

I mean what is the father going to do with Jnr sitting on his bed, mummy is walking out the door, he will soon grow up when he realises he is on the phone to his mother asking for help or to ask for sympathy, he will soon catch on how silly he sounds as he opens his mouth... or if when you return he has a go at you for neglecting Jnr dumping him on him with no regard for 'his' plans for the day' ..that will be a good reality check for him, tell him that is the way it will be until he accepts responsabilty and commits to structured access for Jonier, tell him Jnr has a right to see his father and you are going to ensure it comes about....he will soon show his colours (what ever you do don't shout or get aggressive, just to the point).

This posting is not directed at anyone, just a view concerning a stance I see over and over on this board and in my work with single parents.... As mothers and Ex's ....we woman keep asking the guys to be fathers..they are father already, there are some circumstances where the fathers are good guy, just plain stupid and perhaps the above stance and attitude may need to be applied....I have seen it done and it can work (on reluctant grandparents as well)....the only problems sometimes is we mothers are a bit controlling (which can be a good thing sometimes)and will not walk out of that room and leave the guy to be a father, the father he is, not the father we think our child deserves or the father we think he should be....accept the difference.

Under No Circumstances should this practice be applied to a guy or grandparent who is abusive to you or himself in any way.

Good luck with your choices

Okay there is no way in this world that I would take my daughter to her father and drop her off, he is the typical lazy person and will think that she is fine but in all reality she is about to pull that heavy object on top of her head!!! Do you get what I am saying??? My daughets father is the same as yours, We did not split until she was about 15 months and even with him living there I wold have not left her alone with him. One time he was alone with her not by my chioce but he had a flat tire and I did not know, and my mom had to go get her since I was at work , it took her two hours before she could get there because she runs a daycare, in that tiem my daughters diper was not chaned and she was offerd nothing to eat or drink! so I " took the horse to the water stcuked his head in and he drowned!!! I gave up on him! I give my daughet the world and I do not have someone who is preoccupied by everything else to be around her! And you know what she is one of the happiest girls in the world and she never NEVER askes were her daddy is.. Pusing him is just going to drive you nuts, some people got it and then there are the losers!!!
Good luck
Amanda

ok i apprciate everything you all have told me i am going to try to tslk to him thid weekend sbout thingd i hope it goes the way i plan and he is not abusive to me so i dont think he will be to his son but i am not ready to just drop him off for an hour though

quote:

Originally posted by singlebamamom:
[qb]OK here goes I have not talked to my ex or his family until bout a month ago my son is fifteen months old now His parents are being great now that they have gotten to know me and my son but my ex still does not try to do anything with my son. He played with him a little today when we went to his parents house but spent alot of tijme on the phone ( he got married bout four months ago and they are seperated so they were on the phoe fussing) well that is another story. So anywasy I dont know if i should approach the subject with him like tell him he needs to come over so we can talk and get stuff straightened out or if i should sit back and let him decide what to do If you have any advice i would greatly apprciate it thank you April aka singlebamamom[/qb]

That's good that his family is a part of your sons life, but he as the father needs to take responsibility also. Yes, I think you need to address this issue and stress how important his role in his son's life is. If his family cares so much it looks like they would persuade him to be a part of his child's life.

For the mom with a horse that you can't make drink-I feel ya, my boys 3 now and it's still an issue. But I heard two things alot... No matter what his dad does a boy will always want him and when he gets older you don't want him blamming you that his dad isn't around on. As long as you give the father every chance to be with his kid you won't feel as guilty and your son will see that it was the fathers choice and not yours that his dad isn't in the picture. Plus like what was stated already if there aren't issues like anger or drug that he's dealing with a little forced interest isn't bad but wait until the kid can fend for himself. I'll tell you I just let my sons father have him for a whole night but my boy can say he's hungry,he needs to potty,ect and he can tell me what happened when I pick him up. And as long as you do it in a timely fastion all will be fine. Try leaving him with his dad for 30 mins then 1hr then a couple. Keep a journal if something goes wrong and you decide you don't want him to have anything to do with your son you'll have documentaion for court.

April,

How did it end up going when you talked to your ex? I hope it all went well...but if not, like I said, you and your child don't need him. Let us know what happened and how your little one is doing!

well it has not been done yet we talked a little last nught and it went ok except when he tried to hug me bye I still hold alot of hur feelings when it comes my son i can put them on reserve but i just did not want him to be that close to me last night dont get me wrong i am still attracted to him but dont trust him worth flipm1:
[qb]April,

How did it end up going when you talked to your ex? I hope it all went well...but if not, like I said, you and your child don't need him. Let us know what happened and how your little one is doing![/qb][/QUOTE]

April,

I understand....it is hard to put your trust into someone who has let you down regarding something, or someone very important, namely your child. I am sure everything will work out once you get it all off of your chest and tell your ex. Your son deserves for you to talk to his daddy about what is going on, just remember that. It is hard to do, but I know you will be fine . Good luck!

Thank you emily I know I have been putting it off because I am scared but I owe it to my son to get things straigt with Todd ( my son's father) I am going to try and talk to him sometime this week wish me luck

quote:

Originally posted by singem1:
[qb]April,

I understand....it is hard to put your trust into someone who has let you down regarding something, or someone very important, namely your child. I am sure everything will work out once you get it all off of your chest and tell your ex. Your son deserves for you to talk to his daddy about what is going on, just remember that. It is hard to do, but I know you will be fine . Good luck![/qb]

Good Luck!!! Tell us how it goes!

Absolutely Amazing,

After reading most of the posting I figure all has been said about what you should do with respect to the father. I agree, as long as you ALWAYS come from a place of what�s best for the child you wont go wrong.

But what I really wanted to offer was more of a comment than anything. Im so amazed , saddened, just out right floored by the many postings by women stating the lack of interest and desire of the fathers with respect to being apart of their child�s life. When my divorce first started and I was living in a motel room contemplating weather I was doing the write thing or not, the one thing I couldn�t shake and created the worse nausea feeling I have ever felt was, that regardless of the outcome I would only be able to be with my daughter (3years at the time) 50% of the time and I would not be able to put her to sleep every night. That reason alone almost made me overlook and live with the verbal abuse and dysfunction of my ex. Because of my lack of dealings with courts and such I pull out all stops to protect my rights of 50/50. I would of taken full custody if she had let me. Im in a pretty tough spot in my life right now and the divorce and aftermath have been more difficult than I had ever imagined. But If it meant not having my daughter, I would do it all over again without a doubt. What men and women fail to remember, or maybe they do they�re just to dam selfish or out of touch, is that their child did not ask to be brought into this world,
I would rather befriend a recovering drug addict, homeless, low income person that does their best by their children than that of a father or mother who abandons their child or chooses not to be part of their life�s.

Ok, Ill step down. Im sure I haven�t said anything most of you have already felt, I just thought it might be refreshing to hear a positive spin from a male perspective.

Best of luck and feel free to offer comments or quesitons neg or pos.
thanks