What does it look like? What does it mean? Have you done it?

I ask because two friends of mine keep telling me I haven't done it. I'm lost for what's left to be done, and they certainly can't tell me. I think they think I'm supposed to be in the looney bin because we were married so long, and they don't know how to deal with someone who has managed to make it (and not walk around a broken shell of her former self--perhaps they don't remember those days like I do.)

You know, I'm not going to be break bread with him again, but I know that God is merciful on everyone and I've given up my desire to see him hurt the way he hurt me. We are cordial, wish each other well on birthdays and holidays. We accommodate each other for the kids' sake and we come to quick agreements about them. That's all I got. And I certainly suspect he's not having this internal dialogue now two years later, so what is left for me to dwell on?

I dunno, sounds to me like you're acting like you've moved past it, if you're able to be cordial to each other and you're not distracted by thoughts of seeing him miserable.

Your friends say you haven't forgiven him, yet they can't tell you what you're doing "wrong" or need to do? I would be confused by that and probe for specific examples.

Isn't forgiveness something that happens internally? I mean, wouldn't you have a better chance of knowing if you've truly achieved forgiveness, rather than friends, who are looking into your life through a window?

There is a big line between forgivness and forgetting. Its up to you to forgive, and your friends may not be able to see it if you do, but you don't have to forget what has happened.

I heard a pastor describe forgiveness as a ringing bell.

When you forgive someone, you stop pulling the rope that makes the bell ring and let the resonance of pain silence itself till you are indifferent.

Not to be rude but who are these friends to tell you that you have not forgiven. ONLY YOU can know if you have forgiven or not and Paul is right, there is a HUGE line between forgiveness and forgetting. I suspect none of us will ever forget, short of a head injury, the things that we have gone through.

You can only do things at your own pace. Dont let anyone try to force things on you, especially forgiveness . . . you will resent them later.

Sounds like your friends can't relate with what you've been through so maybe they're having a hard time forgiving him. I'm with captmatrix. If it bothers you that much, ask them why they think you're holding grudges.

Funy you should ask. I am having a hard time with the same subject. I was watching some t.v. program the other night, where this woman's daughter was kidnapped and missing. I didn't catch how she knew who the kidnapper was, but the authorities were searching for the body of her daughter in a lake. Each time the boat stopped, her heart would stop. By the end of the day, she was so full of rage, she wanted to choke the guy with her bare hands. She realized her anger would ruin her and her family. She said she HAD to forgive him, and started small. She would think to herself, "If he has to drive somewhere today, I hope his trip is safe." It's something you have to conciously do, and she gave me an "a-ha" moment. I've been trying to figure out how to forgive my daughters father for all that he's done. I see it now. No matter how hard it is, and how much I don't want to do it, I have to do those little things until its starts feeling better inside myself.
I have done it before with an ex I had, but we didn't have children. 10 years it took, and once I had the forgiveness down, we bumped into each other one day. Took a long drive, had a long talk and have been friends ever since. I am so grateful now, and so glad that we have become friends after such a long time.

I have forgiven the spermdonor for leaving me but I dont think its my place to "forgive" him for abandoning my daughter. That is something for her to do, not me.

However, i dont know what my reaction would be, if any, if I saw him again let alone he tries to talk to me. I'm pretty sure I would simply dismiss him as I have nothing in common with him and have no desire to "hash" or talk about anything.

I think some people don't understand what forgiveness means. When my friends and I talk about forgiveness, they seem to think they now need to be best friends with their ex's and that meant they "forgave" (even after dealing with emotional abuse for example)

I completely disagree with this. Forgiveness is internal and no one can tell if you have or not. I'm thinking your friends want you to forget which is YOUR decision and no one HAS to forget.