Bare with me, I have been through a lot with my ex-boyfriend and father of my 1 year old daughter.

We were together for 4 years (since high school, into college). We had a pretty good relatinship and I felt loved by him and I loved him a lot, still do. During the last year of our relationship, it was the beginning of the end. I got pregnant in that last year and I that made me realize how immature he was. I was preparing for a family and he emotionally abandoned me. I put him out in the 7th month of my pregnancy and I also found out he was cheating on me.

He hooked up with one of the girls he was cheating on me with within about 2 weeks of our break-up. I was also upset to find out that the girl was in my class and I had classes with her before. During those last couple of months of my pregnancy he would call me up and say how he hoped we would get back together one day and that he loved me but he also told me that he loved her and then would say things like I'm going to put the baby in my girlfriend's grandmother's day care with her daughter (his gf is 23 with a 7 y/o daughter), I want custody when the baby is born, and many other things to upset me. He wanted to come to my house when he felt like it and take showers and when I said this is not acceptable because we are not together, he would rub his girlfriend in my face.

So fast forward to when the baby is born. He used her to manipulate me. He would ask to see her and I would but he would want to agrue about where I was going or he would totally ignore me when I tried to talk to him about caring for the baby when he took her. And that was going against my wishes because she was so young and I felt he should visit her in the home until she was a few months older. He told me he would beat up anyone I dated and to not have them around his baby.

Things got really bad. He has taken me to court several times and threatened me with claiming he had lawyers for custody. He was lying (and he lies ALOT about almost anything). And I don't think he is that interested in my daughter. His girlfriend is paranoid and can't stand me because she think she's going to lose him to me. She used to act ignorant in class and talk about me to everyone but I ignored her. I know my ex likes drama and to pit people against one another so I'm sure he says things about me to her to make her want to fight with me (he fits all of the classic signs of a true sociopath).

So, I tried to cut off contact with him as best as I could but he comes back like I love you and I want our family but he never breaks up with her and when he does, they get back together while he has never came back to me. I should not want him because he does cheat on her and she does not seem to care what he does (desperate) and he loves that of course. But I want my family. So now I'm trying to be indifferent to his games. But I'm sick of him. How is this healthy for a child? I don't care what people think, these courts are trying to make things even between mothers and fathers and things could never be equal. If he got joint custody I would protest outside of Washington! I carried her, gave birth to her, love her. He does not pay child support and tells me to ask his family if she needs something. Chuid support and visitation should not be seperate matters, it is not for me. I do both! That's not a father! When will people realize that just because a man wants to see his child that is not enough, what about responsibility? He uses women to pay his bills, his gf paid $5,000 to bail him out of jail before, treats me like ****, lies uncontrolably, maniputales me by using the baby, and others think he has some faults but overall think he is an ok person. I'm so frustrated!

I've tried so many things to make things ok between us. I did want to be with him and think he wants to be with me but he is punishing me and he claims he's confused and cannot choose between her or me (and says its my fault for putting him out), I tried being nice, I tried being tough. He said we should be friends but how? We both have feelings for each other and we argue and I can't get over the fact that he is choosing this girl over his family and he just wants to control me. He has also turned people against me and lied to the judge. Gosh its so much. No contact is hard because of the baby. Advice please.

Welcome to the forum.
A few more details might help for the advice. You mention court/judge. Was this for child support or visitation or other stuff?
Have you filed for child support?

I've been to court for visitation but that was stricken because there were problems and he didn't follow up on it. It's like he files papers and serves me with them and we go to court but things didn't go through. One time the courthouse's lights were out and court was postponed several times. I get tired of going to court all of the time. He actually filed for joint custody but the judge for some reason ordered visitation. I've only recently had my child support case heard and he lied about having an internship to reduce child support. He will not work period. He finds ways to get money somehow though. He was ordered to pay $100.00 month.

I was telling my story for the background. I guess I want to know how can I handle him in this situation. I have questions like should I still have hope for a reunion? Is he just immature and still love me but hurt and can't show it? My friends always tell me tactics to get him back and it works but then he goes right back to how he was. Then, I became close to his family and now I can't come around. They would let me but it may be akward with his new girlfriend. His gf goes online a posts things like it's been over a year and she still not over him hahaha. But little does she know, he always comes back to me. I do not contact him like I miss you. He does. I just fall for it and he lies and tells her the opposite when he is mad at me because when I find out he is not sincere, I tell him off and quit talking to him. And I'm like all or nothing. Either he is going to step up or leave me and my daughter alone. And I can tolerate him seeing her but don't use her in your games or use her to get back at me or to keep me in your life. I am told he is just immature and ya'll need to be friends for the baby but I don't like him and that is letting him off the hook.

I'm feeling a lot of confusion. He only sees her once a week and he blames me for him not really liking him but he did this. He took me to court. Yet he blames me. Sometimes I feel like if we were together things would be better. He expects the same privliages as if we were together and I resent that and him using the law to get back at me is unforgivable.

quote:

Sometimes I feel like if we were together things would be better

Being together will intensify behavior. If it is good, then it will be better. If it is bad, it will be worse.

Fantasy vs reality. Being together is not going to change him. HE can change him. You can not. A pretty stupid system, I know. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

On a lighter note.. welcome, you'll find some good folks here.

Hi 2precious1s, I am new here too. I am not in a similar position but I do know about men who try to turn everything around on you to the point where you find yourself thinking you are the one to blame. I don't know this guy but it seems like he has a hold on you and that is what's keeping you from moving forward. I know it's hard when children are involved. I have a 3 month old and seperated from my husband one month after he was born.

It looks to me that he is blaming you for his shortcomings.

Ah I can understand now what you mean about wishing visitation and support being dealt with together. Though to be honest I think that's more often than not a good thing.
Ignoring for a second the ridiculously low support amount.....is that being collected through the child support agency? If not you should so that they will take extra measures towards making him pay, tax liens, bank accounts, driver's licenses, business licenses, property liens.......

Yes I know I'm still addressing those other things but will get to the personal part now. This guy is playing you, might be playing her and you don't need to put up with that. Granted you love this guy and would like it to work out but as said already, you can't change him. Just consider taking this on less personal, don't keep hurting yourself hoping that he'll stop his nonsense. Especially if he knows that you are still allowing him to play these games, he will still keep playing them.

Welcome precious! I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this and are conflicted about reuniting with him. But from your story it just seems like he has a set pattern of being irresponsible. I'm sure you feel like you're living in the court house and many of us here can empathize with you on that one. And unfortunately in family court visitation/custody and child support are two different cases. However, if you were being heard by the supreme court of your county they can do both in one shot.

I know you think it might be better if you both reconcile and are together to form your family....deep down inside most of us feel or have felt that way. But you should just focus on the reality of what is best for your baby girl.

Hi precious,

I'm so sorry to hear about all of your troubles. It sounds like he is either playing you both or he is seriously confused and afraid of commitment. Either way, he's clearly hurting and stressing you out. The only thing I can think of is to get couples counseling together. If he agrees, and actually shows up, then maybe you'll get the help you need and then you will really know if he's invested in you as a "family".

As far as court is concerned, it's confusing. What exactly is your custody situaion? If you have physical custody, then he should have a set visiation schedule. Usually the court decides on the schedule based on the child's age.

Another consideration may is to ask for mediation. If you ask your lawyer or judge to mandate the two of you to see a mediator, alot of the stuff he takes you to court for can be worked out and compromised without the hassle and stress of court.

I hope you all the best. I know it's really, really difficult. His behavior seem like it gives you hope and then he betrays you. That does alot of damage to a person and parent. Take care of YOU and keep me posted.

Thank you all for your advice and for responding. To wmom, there is a visitation order for him to see her once a week and I have full custody. The judge ordered mediation and he did not show up and the judge overlooked it maybe because she wanted to be done with our case once and for all. To Don, child support is being collected by an agency and the amount is rather pitiful. I'd like to see that judge raise a kid off of that

And the emotional distress he is putting on me is at times really unbearable. I don't know how many times I've talked my friends ears off with the things he has done. It blows my self-esteem because I know that I have done more for him than her and I think she is with him just to spite me. It leaves me trying to figure out how can he just walk away and pretend like he really cares about our child and play with my emotions like that? He makes me so sick, I wish he would just leave us alone or grow up!

I like what Maya Angelou says, "when someone shows you their true character, believe them the first time."

Towards the end of my marriage, my EX made very lousy choices which damaged our relationship permanently. They were shallow, self-serving, and cold. It's been about 12 years now and in a brief conversation with him last year, he apologized for everything, cried, and wanted to have a better relationship with me. It didn't last more than a few weeks when the same characteristics that destroyed our marriage popped up again. So there is no more talking, no more cordial relationship. He can contact the boys as much as he wants but I will not speak to him. (I get too tired of endless promises and BS... it's not worth my time or effort)

Hope someone comes into your life and shows you how a woman should be treated. You just may find yourself not wanting any part of your EX anymore.