I know there are several of you that told me you were single during your pregnancy as well so I dont know if you guys have special insight on this (or anyone really)....

So now that I have completely moved 2 hours away from where my ex and I had lived and I have gotten myself settled in and changed doctors, etc my ex is now saying he isn't sure he made the right choice.

This doesn't mean he is positive about that...I asked him what that meant and I always ask him for percentages when he says he hasn't made up his mind and he says there is a 25% chance he wants to try again. WTF? A) thats not even a good chance and B) I have no idea if I trust him enough to try again even if he was 100% sure. He wants to have a few days to just think...I found out that he hasnt told his family either. Or his friends. I got a call from his best friend's girlfriend asking me if we'd like to go to dinner with them--she had no idea I didnt live there anymore.

Now he and I were best friends in college and I was devestated when he said he didn't want to start this family with me anymore. I've read a lot of posts on here where people were missing their exes years after the fact....I still love him but I dont know that I can trust him not to freak out again. But I dont want to regret not fighting for us years from now when I'm alone and missing him and my child has a father that lives hours away.

Right now all I care about is this baby. I dont want to run the risk of him calling in a few days or months or after the baby's born and saying he wants to give it another shot and him leave us again. I wont do that to the baby. But is it fair to not try as long as there is a chance? When he left me thats what I told him...that I still wanted to try and as long as one of us trying I'd always stay. I thought we owed it to us (me and him and our relationship) and owed it to our child. I would have tried forever. I assumed that if given the chance again I'd jump at it...and now I have no idea how to take that news....and he isnt even 100% sure.

Sorry to ramble I just was caught off guard. I know this has had to happen to someone before...what did you do when the ex had a change of heart before the baby was born/divorce was final/whatever the case may be. That old saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".....I don't want to be the fool. I just worry I am setting myself up for additional heartbreak...no matter which way I choose. Help!!!!!

Hey,

Sorry that I missed this until today. Is he willing to move to where you are now? He's got to understand that him changing his mind 25% is not equivalent to you rearranging your entire life a second time.

The benefits of staying together are enough that I'd give it a try. I'd make him do the work though.

Later,
Bobby

wow bobby i love that advice! i'd also insist in therapy - it is amazing what a neutral party can do to open your eyes...

whenever i have to make a decision that i am honestly torn up about, i use the ben franklin method. take a legal pad and draw a line down the middle. cons one side list the pros. on the other side, list the cons. put it down and walk away from it. review and edit/add over the course of 2-3 days and your answer should be there for you...

quote:

Originally posted by LaurieDorey:
wow bobby i love that advice! i'd also insist in therapy - it is amazing what a neutral party can do to open your eyes...

Thanks. I spent all morning on IM with some Indian Engineers, so I had time to do some forum responding (very many minutes are wasted while IM-ing with across the world employees). Therapy is good advice too.

I had no idea Ben Franklin came up with the pros/cons method...

25% chance he wants to try again?

What percent does he think he wants to be a father?

ok.... I find the comment very insulting to you. Why did even bother to tell you because it sounds like he's trying to hold on to the relationship as if was a safety net.

I agree with you wanting 100%. A quality relationship is hard enough with someone only 25% sure (does that equal effort?)

Is it fair for you to reject the offer? Depends on what you want and how content you are with it. At 25% I would say, call me and I might be available for a coffee/tea date.

Your child deserves a father 100% so try not to get the two relationships mixed up. You can't make him be a father however, you can give him the opportunity. It's his choice to make. Don't let him blame you for the relationship he has with his child.

quote:

When he left me thats what I told him...that I still wanted to try and as long as one of us trying I'd always stay.

Forget what he wants and start listening to yourself. Afterall, you moved 2 hours away from him so it kind of contradicts what I've quoted here, and rightfully so.

quote:

But I dont want to regret not fighting for us years from now when I'm alone and missing him and my child has a father that lives hours away.

You have your whole future ahead of you. Don't hang onto the fear of being alone as a reason to give him another try .. and your ex could very well move closer to his child if he really wanted to. Let him make the effort and put his money where his mouth is. As for you, live your life as it is. Who knows what's in store for your future.

quote:

Afterall, you moved 2 hours away from him so it kind of contradicts what I've quoted here, and rightfully so.

Well we had moved to a new city when we found out we were having the baby and he was still interviewing and going back and forth on weekends to see me. So when he decided to end it he just stayed in NC while I was 3 hours away in our new apartment. Rather than be alone in our apartment that reminded me of him, I moved in with my parents that live in a few hours away since regardless we werent going to be in the same town anyway. I'm actually about an hour closer to him where I am now.

I appreciate the advice guys. If anything changes I'll keep you posted...but I think before I'd move back for him I'd insist on talking to a third party.

Yes there are many others who have been in this situation--my ex left when I was 6 months prenant-no word from him until he came into the delivery room a few hours before I gave birth. Five years later he still isn't more than 25% sure whethert or not he wants to be a Dad.--but that is my story.

My advice to you is to prepare for raising this child on your own--let him know that until he is 100% sure you won't make any more changes in your life and if he wants to be a part of your life then he needs to do the work.

25 % sounds more like and excuse so he can say that he was willing to try and then "when" something goes wrong he can say " I told you I was only sure 25%", I'm sorry to have to tell you this but you baby needs to live, eat, sleep, etc. 100 % of the time, to me there's no even room for 99 %.I'm sorry but all these stories about fathers not being "sure" are getting to me, may be I wont feed my daughter today, I'm not sure if I want to be a father.
You have to tell him to man up, there's new life on the way with no choice for second opinions. Too bad not even the courts agree with me, you can be the worse parent ever but have a change of heart and you get a new chance.

I guess he is only 25% man. But it is your call. It is tough being a single parent. As you can tell there are alot of people that hate or miss their ex's. Whatever happens remember the baby.If he is 25% with you and fully committed to being a father give it a try. If all he wants is to cuddle I would tell him to go to ****.

At this jucture in your life, you are 100% commited to you and yours. That to me seems to be better odds than what he can give you.

IMHO stay the course you set up for you and yours, as his percentage goes up, if and when, he will make time, arragmnets etc. to show you 100%. But till that time comes, keep betting on you and your commitment to your family.

Robin

I don't know if you are still wondering about this, but I will tell you what happened to me. My ex decided that he would work on our relationship. We went to a marriage counselor and actually spent time together alone trying to fix our relationship. We tried for three months. At least that is what he told me and what I had thought. Truthfully he was not completely sure what he wanted so after a month working on us, he decided to also start working on his relationship with his new gf.
Even though I feel like I wasted time on him that could have gone to the divorce, I am glad I tried. This way, in the future (even now) I have a completely clear conscience. I tried everything. I can move on with no regrets.
If you do decide to give him a try, make him do the effort. You have your doctors and a support system where you are at, it is best for you and the baby if you stay. Maybe you can just start your relationship again via long distance until he is more sure.