so i wake up this morning, kiss my little girl and thank God for her. life is good.

i check my e-mail and there it is. a message from classmates.com from a high school boyfriend. he remains the single most fun, full of life and laughter person i've ever dated. i've actually searched for him on that site over the years. my heart is pounding as i read it...
Jeff: blast from the past. Its me Jeff F. Do you remember me? m@aol.com. peace

i type as my heart races, i proofread a dozen times and hit send.
Laurie:Remember you? Somewhere in my basement is a wooden heart you made for me 25 or so years ago - ha ha ha.

Ok, so from hockey to barefoot waterskiing - that's the last I knew of you - what/where/etc etc are you up to now?

I'm down the shore www.evergreeninn.net the Make a Difference tab is pretty cool.

Nice to hear from you Jeff. Really. You put a smile on my silly face. Thanks! Laurie

OMG - he wrote back already, i am shaking as i open the e-mail. i mean, i know i said i wasnt going to date, but, this is jeff, this changes everything!!!

Jeff:You're so funny.WOW I work at M and finally got married 4 years ago and live in NYC and have a house on Greenwood Lake. Are you on vacation down the shore or do you work there? Spring Lake is BEAUTIFUL.... WOW You are lucky. I am stuck in Manhattan working.. It could be worse and will get better.. I am following my dreams! Next I want a home on the beach. Thank God thought's are free. It is good to dream. I am still barefootin and playing hockey. I never grew up and never will. Here are some pictures. How are you? I hope fine. That is funny you still have the heart I made for you. :-) When I was looking thru the classmates I was so excited to see your name. You rock and always will. Keep up the good work. Have a great day! :-)

Keep smiling Laurie

are you MF kidding me? married? why the h-ll did you look me up if you were married? argh. fine, dejected, i reply

Laurien vacation? i wish. i own the place. i bought it in 1997 cuz having vacation time and nights and weekends off at $250K wasn't enough for me. jackasss. it is for sale if you want to swap dreams - ha ha ha. next up for me is a year or two off for mommy time, then a chain of cafes starting in princeton which will spread to ivy league towns.

funny you only got married 4 years ago. i only got married in 2001. he left in 2005 and not one to give up dreams without a fight i had a daughter in 2007. i named her Faith because i refused to give up faith that one day i'd have her.

now sit down and keep your ego in check. there's a compliment coming. ok. i decided not to date for a couple of years. i'm bad at it, and figured distance would be good. anyway, the amount of people randomly hitting on me now that i'm out of the pool is ridiculous. i saw your message and thought "wow - now jeff i'd actually consider...." and you're married - you dork! but i am happy for you, and that keeps my life simple. God knows what He's doing. so now it is your turn to smile, and maybe even blush a little!

oh, and for the record, the full body photos did not go unnoticed. *whistling*

Jeff:lol you are funny...Thanks for sending me the pictures. I love pictures. WOW Amazing I can't believe you own the place.. I am proud of you. WOW You follow those dreams. WOW You got talent.. You did make me laugh and blush. You are one smart cookie. I love the pictures of you and Faith and I didn't see Spanky and Sparky? Are they your dogs? You gotta have Faith and you sure did. :-) WOW I wish you only the best that life has to offer. It is good you believe in God! My life is in his hands. Keep on loving and don't worry, be happy. Here are some more cool pictures. That's all folks!!!! Pease, love and happiness... Here is my wife and nephew. He was born 1 lb 2 oz and had a rough year. This was his bday party last week. God bless the child. He is a miracle baby. Don't laugh but my wife's Uncle is --. LOL That is so weird. She is not like him..

now time to take the high road and wonder what would have happened if....

Laurie: thank goodness your wife looks nothing like --! she is beautiful jeff. the two of you look great holding your nephew - you'd be such a fun daddy.... yea, i'm still quiet and subtle - ha ha. how is your little sister? and your mom?

thanks for the encouragement, WOWs are always welcomed here. if it isn't too weird, you should book a romantic weekend at the inn before i sell it. not as exotic as some of your other trips, but taking your wife to a high school girlfriend's place - that's plenty adventurous

Jeff:there they are. So cute You look amazing. Thanks for the compliments. You are way super kind.. Sister is good and Mom is GREAT! WOW :-) I would love to come. We will see. Good luck selling it. I am sure it will miss you. You are SO special. Keep it up. Thanks and have a great day!

and that was that. but, thing is, it wasnt. the reason i am posting this here is because of how unbearably sad i was all day. i mean, i am no different now than when i woke up this morning. but this morning i was happy and full of life and ready to start the day and glom up every second of faith time. this morning i was alone. alone by choice, alone and happy. all day and night i have been alone and sad, alone and lonely, totally and completely alone and miserable.

i went to walmart to buy stuff for the inn and really had a tough time not full out sobbing - a few tears did escape - as i looked at couples shopping together. grandmothers with mothers and infants in the diaper section. families together. the way it is supposed to be. the way God intended it to be. Faith should have 2 sets of grandparents fighting over her. instead she has none - or worse 1 set that have long since checked out mentally and can be of no influence in her life at all.

i am crying my eyes out as i feel, to the core of my being, that 'could have should have would have' that somehow i totally f-ed up and see no light at the end of this tunnel. i chose this tunnel. this morning i loved this tunnel. now the tunnel walls have closed in around me and i am sad. profoundly sad.

Wow Laurie, what a rollercoaster day huh? This Jeff must be a heck of a stud muffin, Ray got nothing on him

Maybe just maybe part of your inner self is starting to warm up to the idea of dating....expanding your horizons. I don't know....but I am sorry to hear how you're feeling right now.

quote:

maybe part of your inner self is starting to warm up to the idea of dating....expanding your horizons

wow, that is scary... thanks don <sniff, sniff>

Oh, Laurie, geez I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I really don't know what to say other than this -- it only feels like the tunnel walls have collapsed on you. Really, they haven't. You have set up your life really well for your daughter and you can get through this.

Ohhh, Laurie--first get these out of the way

I know exactly what you are feeling!!! (Again).
After I came home from my sister's, I was in a miserable mood! She has the beautiful house, the pool, the doting husband, the soccor pools, the PTA meetings, owns her own business...All the stuff I thought I never wanted...I am the rebel..I don't believe in settling down,,who needs money? Then live that life a few days and wow you see....

You have a case of the this should have been my life blues...
Feel sad, cry a little (now just a little)
Then kiss that little girl
Then take a look in the mirror and say you know I am pretty cool person and other people do see that.
Just look at all the people running to sign up to stay at Laurie's B & B
and even though Faith does not have two sets of grandparents, she sure has a lot of "aunts and uncles"--I for one can not wait to squeeze those adorable cheeks (I will be gentle I promise)

Hang in there girl!!!

Uhmmm, by the way, what kind of career did you have making $250,000, with nights and weekends off? I think that is the kind of job I am going to go back to school for--I better forget teaching!

thanks guys. just feeling a little down on myself and a lifetime of poor decisions. dang jeff was fun and full of life and energy and so cute too.

funny that i would have agreed to date a guy who broke my heart 28 years ago but not someone new. sigh, time for that deep soul searching introspection cr ap. blech fricken tunnel...

edited to add - i was executive accounts for a health insurance company - had clients like general electric, the nba, general motors - i was kind of a big deal - LOL

You still are kinda of a big deal!!!

hmmm..i'm kinda wondering why he looked you up too if he's married. i guess you were on his mind. aww but don't beat yourself up. we've all made poor choices as far as men (heck that's why we're all here..lol). don't let it stop you from taking chances again though. i love the verse from lee ann womack's i hope you dance when i'm feeling crummy like this..
"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance. Never settle for the path of least resistance. Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake but it's worth making"

bleh
maybe he wanted to find you and tell you how well he's doing. I've had a couple of people find me from high school bragging about being married and having a baby.
You're doing awesome for yourself, glad you could shut him up. (even though it didn't happen like that...I know) But you blew his mind with how far you've come in life and he can shove that marriage up his behind.

Okay...maybe I should check my anger issues.

oh cailin i love that song! i bought that dvd and another with the song 'rosemary's granddaughter' and blasted them and sang and danced and cried over and over when my husband left. of course "SHUT UP and drive' was in that mix too. ha ha

he really cared about me for me at an age i struggled to be anyone but me - and he has clearly maintained the zeal and joy in his life that has been sucked out of me the past couple of years. oh sh-t was i actually hoping he was prince charming - do i still believe in that? *sigh*

baerhiel - i believe with all my heart his intentions were good. he had never been an 'in your face' guy. i ran in to him once about 15 years ago, maybe 20 and he was just as up and happy and bubbly then too. this guy doesn't know how to be a jerk - sadly, i do. dang...

LOTS of people have been looking for me lately, i should just SHUT UP and feel good about leaving positive thoughts in my wake over the years. *sigh*

ok auntie paula needs to do some serious cheek pinching!

Yeah...I was guessing that he had good intentions...
but that anger...
oh wait...
maybe it's the hormones?

Blame everything on hormones!

I can't believe I just turned into "that" person.

Sorry it brought you down but he did come looking so you must mean soemthing....
Besides if you meet someone will they be able to ACCEPT that you come with a band of whackjobs now...



And ahem....how are we supposed to compare to ray without a pic....tell me he doesn't have plastic hair...

Laurie, you've had enough of these moments. Hits and near misses. Why do you want to deny yourself a connection with someone? I think you need to drop the no-dating rule, something is driving you toward trying to make that connection, and that's perfectly okay. It's great in fact. You are not harming your daughter by seeking out a healthy relationship for yourself, you're actually teaching her a valuable lesson. And obviously people just take to you. So get yourself out there. If you make only one promise to yourself: it's no more pity parties. The past is the past, you just keep pressing onward. When you put out as much good as you obviously have, it will always come back to you. Take hold of it. And as my Gra'Ma used to say, "Now Git!"

awww lola - that was awesome - i totally dig the tough love thing right down to git. LOL git! i'm going to be saying that all day now. GIT!

thing is, i absolutely would have dated jeff in a heartbeat. i'm just not a fan of married men...