Thinking about the threads in which I villified my ex got me to remembering my "personal inventory" days---the dark time after we first separated when I tried to figure out what I did wrong.

Let's list here the things we did, or didn't do, that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship that made us single parents.

My list:

1. I married too young (and if truth be told I was driven by guilt about shacking up and darned naivete of my extremely limited dating experience and thinking there weren't many good men out there and if I found one I'd better lock him down.)

2. I married so young to someone culturally different from me. I am not AT ALL averse to this, and am actually way more attracted to nonAmerican men. But in those days, this issue showed up in conflict over immigration issues (hosting as many in-laws as possible during our very early and very broke days, partying--and drinking--I wasn't used to, and already being an introvert, I was constantly feeling like the sore thumb at get-togethers.) That changed over time but back then, it created a little tension that built up. I remember him telling me toward the end he always felt like he was dragging me to events when I didn't want to be there. From my perspective, i was cool as long as I was engaged--dancing, chatting, whatever--but he would leave me for hours on end to catch up with old friends in venues where I knew absolutely no one, or if I did know one or two, they too would be more interested in using the opportunity to catch up with folks from back home who would fly in for just those events. So yes, there would be parties in which I'd be painfully stuck to the wall and not happy about it.

3. In-laws. Gosh where do I even begin? I watched my in-laws fight and bicker to the core and always felt my turn was coming. It did. Their attitude, once the fight is over, it's over. I can hold a kung-fu death-grip on grudges. Once someone crosses me, my very naive attitude was I could just not deal with that person anymore. I would not stop my husband or children from interacting, but I wasn't bothered in the least by not participating--my husband was. It's a very complicated story of course, but I should have been able to get along to try and make him happy.

4. Knowing Men. I grew up without a dad, so learning to relate to my husband was a marriage-long endeavor. I did not know how to pick battles, for example. If something bothered me, I made sure I mentioned it until it was resolved. Otherwise known as nagging. I also didn't know how important being his cheerleader was; I didn't get that he derived his value from being respected and admired. Through those early days of his repeated unemployment however, I was raving about having to pay all the bills by myself(especially the phone bill because he would stay home and call his home country for hours at a time and even in the days after the kids came and he was making a ton of cash but wouldn't pay the bills anyway because he wanted to buy toys. When our son was an infant, we had our gas shut off twice and water and phone once because of his spending habits.) but I guess I am back to blaming him. I will say I could have fought the more important battles more wisely.

5. Men are visual. I am totally guilty of not caring to look glammed up after the kids came. Although staying in good physical condition was always important to me, having the nicest and latest fashion and perfect hair was NOT. Because when I became a SAHM, who was going to pay for that? He told me once his father made a comment about it, saying that I was "plain." I didn't think anything of the statement. Certainly my husband loved me for me, but again I didn't know men and how important those words were to my husband, how important it was to please his father.

i could think of a half-dozen more, but I think i've gone on too long already. Please chime in.

Oh Lordy...

1) Being the silly, foolish girl who thinks she can "change" a man. I fell in love with my ex knowing that his family life was worse than Juliette Lewis' in Natural Born Killers, knowing that he was a player, knowing that he was lazy and that he blew off his responsibilities. I saw all that in him and, being the complete antithesis of everything he was, had to take him in an "fix" him. Stupid.

2) Not walking away when I had the chance. We were together for 3 years. We broke up and got back together over 15 times for numerous reaosns: he cheated on me, he wanted to be with someone else, he punched me in the face, etc. Every time I could have walked away and stayed away, but I didn't.

Re-reading this, it sounds like I'm still blaming him for most of our relationship's problems, and I didn't mean it that way. I think that people ultimately do what makes them happy and we were two entirely different people from two entirely different backgrounds. He was always going to do what made him happy regardless of what I did. You can't fix people. I know that I made us both suffer for a long time before I finally figured it out.

quote:

. I married too young (and if truth be told I was driven by guilt about shacking up and darned naivete of my extremely limited dating experience and thinking there weren't many good men out there and if I found one I'd better lock him down.)

WOW, Lola! You summed it up for me right here.

ok I will add mine too

1} I was married to young. I think that says it all.

2) I had low self esteem to beging with. Anything he said was very flattering and I just fell all over him. I thought he was the only one that could ever see those things in me.

3} I did not know what to look for in a man. Treat me with respect have chemistry be attracted to someone worthy

3} I really did not know what being in love verses a crush felt like. All you parents out there do your kids a favor and explain this one to them. It was never explained to me nor did I get it. Know I know!!! Is it too late?????????

4) Excepting less than I should have from the very start!!!!!!!!!

I did give all to the marriage. I never even looked at another man. Nor did I ever denie him. I know that's probably a little to much information, but if someone had to ask I can honestly say, it was my low self esteem and low expectation of my marriage. Maybe it's a little too much info I apologize. Live and learn....