Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Ex's Staying friends with an Ex|
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Has anyone ever successfully stayed friends with an ex? I'm trying to stay friends with my ex boyfriend because he meant a lot to me when we were together and I would hate to not have him in my life anymore, but it seems like most of our conversations turn bitter.Whenever I break up with someone we always say that we are going to stay friends but somehow it never works out. I'm just wondering if it really is possible?
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SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Staying friends? Wow....good one....touchy subject.
Most women I know will say yes....most men...probably No. I think the rub is that men and women generally have different ideas as to what "friendship" actually is. Women "generally"...still can allow some closeness and sharing of ideas / feelings...while men, just say... "friends?...Oh yeah...we're friends, I dont have any bad feelings towards her"   I'm a man of many mysteries and sides....SO many I'm practically round!! |
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Board Beacon Parent |
Well, I also think individual circumstances play a role. I'm still friends with the estranged wife. What's weird to me though is it seems we're better friends on the phone. She's her old self on the phone. In person she's cold, depressed and distant. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
I always hate to gender stereotype but when women use the "friends" word it means very bad things to most guys. Oh, and yes I do think it's possible to be friends. Though it takes effort to not bring pain from the past into the mix. |
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"Life is full of second chances...." At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hmmm I'll bite on this one....
Yes, I have successfully stayed friends with almost all my exes. There are only 2 I don't get along well with, and one of them is my son's mother. My ex wife is actually one of my best friends and her son is my godson....It's definitely not an easy thing to do, and it is a bit weird from time to time, but it is possible. I could go on and on about this topic, but I think I have answered it already....Just for the record, I talk to 3 or 4 of my exes on a monthly basis...  http://www.myspace.com/nottawd "to be nobody-but-myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting..." --e.e. cummings |
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"Every thought we think is creating our future" Setting New Standards |
I wouldn't say that I'm "friends" with my ex's. We tolerate each other. I don't hate them and they don't hate me. I don't like holding grudges and hating people, no matter what they did....so as far as "hanging out"...no. I talk to them on the phone and we can have a civil conversation. That's about it.
Erin <a href="http://s261.photobucket.com/albums/ii78/moonpiesinheaven/?action=view¤t=ErinandAyden5-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii78/moonpiesinheaven/ErinandAyden5-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a> <a href="http://s261.photobucket.com/albums/ii78/moonpiesinheaven/?action=view¤t=June2008037-1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii78/moonpiesinheaven/June2008037-1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a> |
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Board Member |
i dont know you can really pull that one off i mean when you split if its not a mutual thing between the both of you or it wasn't that serious to begin with someone will always have feelings for someone......i know i do she told me she wanted to be my friend after she tore my heart out and left......i've forgiven her after spending plenty of time thinkin of why it all happened i deserved it but i find my feeling for gettin stronger for her instead of gettin over her why? i dont know i know having a child makes things way more difficult cause she's always depending on me, but she doesn't want to give a 2nd try to see if things could get better.....
but i've told myself i would at least like to have her in my life rather than not at all but i dont know if we could be friends again like we were before we got together simply because i will always have feeling for her |
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"Life is full of second chances...." At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I have to disagree with you ST. My ex wife left me because she got pregnant by another while we were together. I didn't want her to leave and I begged her to take me back and let me be her kiddo's papi several times. There were potential reunions several times that one or the other chose not to pursue. After 6 years of being divorced, I can honestly say that I have no romantic feelings for her. I will always love her and she is a part of my family regardless of the fact that we are divorced. I am even the godfather of the child that caused the dissolution of the marriage.
You have to realize that what you are putting yourself through is a mindset and it is up to you to pull yourself out of it. Stop beating your self up and claiming that you "deserved it", and accept it as it has happened and nothing more. The longer you beat yourself up over it the longer you will mourn the loss of your relationship. Start viewing it as something that you cherish and be glad that you had her in your life for the amount of time you did have her. There is an old saying that goes something along the lines of "People come into our lives when we need them, and once their role is fulfilled they leave." Maybe she came into your life for a reason that has been fulfilled and it is time for the both of you to move onto bigger and better things. I assure you that until you let her go, that will never happen.... -J http://www.myspace.com/nottawd "to be nobody-but-myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting..." --e.e. cummings |
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Circumstances vary just as people do. Some situations it's entirely possible while others just takes too much forgiveness/acceptance/or whatever, at least for me. I'm friends with some of my ex's while others I have absolutely no respect for whatsoever...and I can't be friends with someone I can't respect at least a little.
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Board Member |
I understand what your saying and i do believe that i should stop blaming myself about it because it wasn't just my fualt alot of things went wrong but i do cherish the time we had i still do the only thing that keeps me hoping is our beautiful son he's everything to me thats why i love her so much if it wasn't for her i wouldn't be a father and if we didn't have him i might be able to stay friends with her and get over her.......except for the fact that we've been apart for awhile she still depends on me and my feeling for her are still to strong for her to say no must if not all the time and she knows how to use that........i know and feel in my heart alot of the time that this will always be an open wound for me no matter how long it may be or how much time goes by i will always want her back and if i knew a way to just cut off that switch to where i didnt have those feeling anymore but honestly i dont know how.........my son is my life but so is she and i try to fill the void of her being gone with him and its not enough i dont know if that makes me a bad father or not but? the feelings are still there and i'm holding on the hope for a chance that has the odds of winning the lotto |
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"I need more COWBELL!" Board Blazen Parent |
This just hit home for me. I am going to print this saying out and look at it when I need a slap in the face!  That was the most brilliant thing that I have read today and eye opening thing! I have never heard this and never thought about it that way. I keep feeling angry that my ex isn't a part of my life anymore because I felt that he should be, hence i'm carrying his flesh in blood, but he just isn't meant to be there anymore. THANK YOU!!!!!!  Coming Soon......   See the resemblence? She's a rocker chick too "I'm fine and dandy with the me inside." http://www.myspace.com/jennchizzy  |
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Board Beacon Parent |
Still Trying, I know exactly how you are feeling I was there for a long time ( 4 years to be exact) myself. No matter how many times we broke up I would basically "mourn" him and think I have to be with him we have a child together. And even though he hurt me more every time my feelings for him got stronger. The last time we broke up I was devastated again and did everything to get him to take me back. Then one day I woke up and those feelings were gone-I don't know why-except for the fact that I stopped dwelling on him and began to focus more on myself. I never thought that we could just be friends but we are slowly working our way towards that. There is a sadness there and I know he cares for me and I care for him deeply but I also know that we can not make each other happy. Although it hurts to think of him sharing his life with someone else I love him enough to want him to be happy-even if that means he finds someone else to share his life with. Whether or not we are romantically involved we will always have that special bond because of our son and I will always think of him as family. I look at it as he is not leaving my life for ever we are merely entering a different phase of our life and hopefully it will be a more fulfilling phase for him, me and most importantly our son. [/URL]   |
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"Who me......?" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I tried... but he wanted more priviledges than talking on the phone. He didn't like the way I hung up when he wouldn't stop using foul language so there was no way I was going to even be in his sight.
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Board Member |
i just wish i could be in the place that most of you are it hasn't hit me yet to where i can say that i do want her to be happy i do want to not mourn this anymore but everytime i do like i said before something happens to where i get those feelings for her again........then reality comes right at me like a bus and it hits with no intention of letting me live so.....yeah this is my life up's and really low downs.......i try ti keep my self really busy because that is my only way of being able to not have those thought and feelings run through my head because i one sec i have to drift off into space the slightest thing reminds me of her and i'm tired of being like that......i've tried joining a gym, i've been getting into fixin my truck up which is my hobby and my 2nd child but i dont have enough money to keep it up.......my friends all have lives i feel i impose on them to much when i always call to do something it's just hard for me to be alone i always like to be doing something and if i'm not i'm thinking about her, whats she doing,who she's with,if she's with another guy?...all that jealous ****.......
If i could stop caring about eveything that happens in her life i will be ok |
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Parent on Board |
I think I'm heading towards friendship with my ex.. the FOB. It's so weird tho. It's been 5 years since we broke up, and our daughter is 4 now.. I'm married and expecting another man's baby, lol. So it is definitely weird.
I think the biggest thing for us was time. Time to let everything settle, pretty much. Another thing is that I'm not sure we were ever really in love or had those intense feelings. Maybe that makes a difference. The other biggest thing was that we both pretty much made a commitment to limit our contact to being about our daughter, nothing else (tho we didn't really talk about doing that, lol, it just happened that way). When the only time you talk to the person that hurt you is once every two weeks, or less.. well you can get over things a lot quicker, I think. Now, we still only really talk when we are exchanging our daughter, but he does occasionally call to ask questions or mention something (usually about our kid tho). As she's getting older, its easier to share more things about her and our lives in general. Plus, he does ask how I'm feeling and how the baby is doing.. He also voluntarily pays/raises child support (when he gets a raise, like recently!), and he will help me with computer stuff (since he's a computer engineer), like fixing my laptop! Space and time heal a lot of things, I guess.. Mom to 4 yr old Lissa. :-) #2 on the way! Newly blended family... all mixed up and inside out.. Unschooling family -- education by experience! Workin from home and lovin it... go to my website for info, http://promises.fourpointmoms.com |
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Board Beacon Parent |
Don't worry you will get there--It takes alot longer for some of us. The worse thing you can do tho is keep worrying about who she is with and what she is doing. You can not change it anyway and it uses up too much energy. As Don reminded me last night keep reminding yourself that you deserve to be treated better. [/URL] |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Ex's Staying friends with an Ex