I'm very new to this group, so I hope I don't break any type of protical by just writing. I'm having issues with my sons of late. My ex and I have been arguing our entire divorced relationship (10yrs.) and it just gets worse. Currently he is no longer speaking to me since I insist that he does so around others as a witness to his threats. He has no idea about the children's school, doctors, etc. and I have told him that he only knows this stuff from me and our meetings (held few and far between). He has now taken to calling when the children come home from school while I am not there and quizzing them on everything - from when they had their last shower to doctor appointments or my work hours. I can tell from the answering machine having a call and hangup when the children pick it up. Also the hang-ups I get at home when I have the day off unexpectedly. So, my question is how do I ask the children to be upfront with me on this. I've expressed my feelings about this to them a couple of times casually so they wouldn't feel threatened or anything. But now I know for a fact he is asking them all types of odd questions - like what meals they had that day. ????

So - how do you deal with children who are starting to do this. They are good boys. Very good actually and thus far we have had an extremely open relationship (more friendly than parental at times). I tell them everything (within reason) and they used to do the same. Now...no. The ex has begun to "bond" with them of late through video games that he puts on his computer. I'm not a gaming type so it's kind of out there for me. But what is worse is that is all they talk or think about any more and their grades are starting to show it.

Now up till today, I have kept my remarks about their father very PC. The comments have been stiff and understanding to his situations in life (unemployed, not paid child support for years, horrible second marriage, etc.) but those are his problems and not mine or the children's. He has made himself sound so pitiful to them now that I found them actually taking money out of their piggy banks to give to their dad!

So, I'm stumped and at my wits end. I want to keep the children my friends and my honest sons without bashing the dad...but right now, I am hard pressed to take the high road anymore.

Anyone have any pointers????

(how's that for a first email???)
Chrionna

Chrionna,

Wow, that is a biggie. How old are your boys. Not sure if you mentioned it or if I didn't see, but it can make a difference. I would just explain to them that it is ok to be friends with dad, ok to talk to him, but it is not ok to keep secrets from you. You need to reitterate the fact that you and them are the family that are together daily and that they need to keep that open line of communication, trust, & respect. I know it is easy for little ones to be swayed with gifts, (been there with my ex) but, they need to know to a certain extent what your ex is up to. In all reality your ex is using his kids to get at you and that is so wrong. They need to understand that if your ex has questions, he should come to you, you kids should not have to give full details on every event. It just burns me up when the ex's pull this crap. I would also try to find a way to explain this to your ex. That if he has questions, come to you, your problems or his problems are just that, shouldn't involve the kids in any way. Well good luck to you, hope some of this may have helped. Keep us posted & take care.

You can just post. I did have to move this topic you started to a new forum. �Feedback� is really for any issues relating to the forum itself. But don't sweat it though.

I deal with what your going through for years. I can sympathies with you.

As hutch mentioned, ages of the children are needed. There are different age appropriate ways to guild your children to empower them. Your profile says 10 year old boys twins. At 10 you may think about empowering them about what is private information and what is just every day information. You will need to sit down your self and do some soul searching to see what you do that is personal to you and ask the boys not to give out this information. For example when you shave your legs.  is it in the morning , afternoon etc. This to me is personal information.

You may explain to the children that your Wicca lifestyle is not understood by most people. That marriage to another female is not usually understood.
By the way Congrates on your wedding, your photos look like you had a glorious day.

You might try seeing if these are the same question your ex asks the children about school and / or visiting friends. If the behavior is the same then it may not be something to worry about. I think if your ex is asking the children Your Personal information, like where did your mom go yesterday at 2 pm, just as an example then worry, and seek professional help to empower the children.

If your ex asks the children �what did you eat at school today� or �when you went to Johnny�s house to visit, did you eat?� and also asks the children what did you have for dinner at your mom�s house. It is probably just his way of bonding.

Another suggestion is inform your ex of activities that he can do with the kids, for example of field trips, maybe he can baby-sit the kids after school since he is not working and not paying child support. That would save you money in childcare.

The bottom line is take a deep breath and keep peace.

Robin