So I just had a lively discussion with my ex. He has been dating some woman for about a month, well he has now decided that he wants her to meet my kids. THEY HAVE BEEN DATING A MONTH!! How can he think it is appropriate from him to introduce them already? Well, let me tell you IT'S NOT! When I mentioned this all to him, he started throwing things, and calling me all sorts of names before storming out of my house and slamming the door. All of this mind out in front of my kids. My four year old asked me, mommy, why does daddy say mean things? All I could say is I don't know.

Now the other part, it is killing me to think about my kids being around another woman. I burst into tears everytime I think about it. I just can't even imagine it. Does everyone else feel like this when it's your kids? I have some friends that love it cause they get a break and others that feel the same as me. I wouldn't care if this woman was a saint (which she is not) I don't want them around someone who will be doing all the things I should be doing with MY kids. I want them both to die painfully

I dont know how you all do it. I would have a really hard time sending my daughter out the door to some other woman. Granted, there are superb step parents out there who genuinely love kids. But I can't figure out a parent wanting to intro a GF that's only been in the picture a month.

Think of it this way. If you had to choose a daycare for your kids, you'd go to the house, interview references, do a criminal background check. What kind of checks can you do on a GF? You have to just trust that your ex has good judgment, which in most cases they have already proven that they dont.

I dont know what your custody agreement is or what the laws are regarding this, but I would want to dig my heels in and say no until they have been dating at least six months and you have had the oppurtunity to meet her. I know that in most cases if he has visitation, you have no control over who he brings the kids around while he has them, but I dont blame you for being upset.

As for the slow painful death part, I guess if you feel your kids hearts or safety are in jeopardy that's understandable.

Gosh I'm actually greatful for my ex in this regard. I told him from the get-go that i'm not comfortable with my daughter being around another woman. He didn't even flinch and told me he'd respect that. Shocking from a man who fought my every word. I told him i'd give him the same respect and he actually said it wasn't necessary as long as he met the guy first. Again, shocking. I know from experience that he's really cautious about bringing women around his kids. I didn't meet his boys until I was pregnant and we were four years into a relationship. My time was my time, and he had his time with his boys. That was just the way life was. He made sure I met his ex-wife before his boys as well. I could tell she could have cared less...it was he who made the choice to keep us seperate.

I really hope your ex thinks about what you said despite his reaction. Meeting a new GF or BF should be something all parties involved are comfy with.

I am not at all comfortable with my son being around my ex's BF, and I think that most of you have read posts describing him and his criminal history etc etc. The thing is....there is nothing that I can do about it. I used to paranoidly search my son every time he came home for some rash or mark or anything to show that there was abuse of some kind going on. I have since stopped being so paranoid, as it has been over 2 months now, and almost nothing has happened to my son. I do still check him, but I am not as worried when he leaves.

I am still VERY uncomfortable with my son around him, and Jamie has even started going as far as bringing him with her when she picks up my son. This has me IRATE....again....nothing I can do. I told her that I would have him arrested for trespassing if he was on my property, so she parks directly in front of my front door ON THE STREET, so that I can see him every time she comes to pick up my son.

The sad part is that now that he comes with her, she is more hostile and more aggressive, and almost ALWAYS yells something as she leaves the house. The normal conversations have stopped, and the demands for her having Trey longer and at more specific times etc have begun. I feel that it is solely due to this boy's involvement.

4strong, my son was introduced to this man....while my ex and I were still together....she would take him over to this guys house and they would have their..."house dates" together, unbeknown to me, while I was at work. You want to talk about pain....when I found that out, it was more devastating than anything else that she had done.

It is definitely not an easy situation to deal with, and I wish you luck and piece of mind. Just know in the back of your mind, if anything happens, you children's father is responsible, and his visitation etc could be riding on it.

-J

Wow TD! I can not even begin to imagine. My ex brought my kids to see his mistress (for lack of a better word) when we were still together. But it was at Borders and only for a min. When I found out about that I wanted him dead, I can't imagine what you went through. Why do they use our children to hurt us? I will never understand it. I just don't know what I will do with myself when they are gone or how I will be even somewhat civil to him. My oldest is almost 5 so I know he will tell me everything they did and everything that happend so that helps but not much. I just don't want another woman doing the things that I do with them, tucking them in, reading their stories, getting up with them if they are scared. I know my ex won't do these things, never has, never will. And she "loves kids." well good for her, let her have her own damn kids these ones are MINE!!

quote:

Why do they use our children to hurt us?

I can answer that one. 'Cause they're self-centered jerk wads, their children take a distant second to the their urge to retaliate against anyone who goes against their will.

On the other side of it.

I have offered to Andrew's ex wife to come to my home for a look, and also I have offered myself available for her to meet me.

I thought she might want to meet me and also see where the kids were spending time.

Nope she said no she didn't want to see the house or meet me.
Shrug.

I wanted for her to feel comfortable with the environment.

I set myself, and home out there for inspection which was not an easy thing to do.
I did it for the kids in hope of a better relationship and communication with the parents.
shared custody / visitation happen in divorce.

I believe making the most of the situation in a healthy way is important for all involved.

Each situation is different and can't be compared apples to apples.

4strong your ex's behaviour of throwing things, and calling you all sorts of names before storming out of the house in front of the kids.is totally unacceptable and I would let him know that .

I think that throwing things and yelling and carrying on like that is abusive. It hurt the kids, too.

I wouldn't let him come pick the kids up at your house anymore if he was going to throw your stuff and yell at you. In public he most likely wouldn't do that.

Also, what does he do when he gets mad at the kids or the GF? He seems to not have any self control and that is scary. A BIG red flag, in my opinion...and one to watch for in the future.

I would have a very hard time letting my kids leave with him if he was that way.

I have talked to my lawyer about the way he acts when he gets mad and they have basically said that unless I have a witness, it doesn't mean anything. He will just deny everything. As for meeting in a public place that's a good idea and I think I will start that. Even though I know it won't stop his mouth, I know he wouldn't get physical with someone else around.

I should probably have said in the original post, my ex and I have been divorced for over two years and he has never had the kids by himself. Very rarely without me there, and if I'm not there he is with his Mom. He doesn't take care of the kids, he plays with them. When it's time for a diaper change and for everyone to eat, ANYTHING that takes any effort, he has someone else do it. That's part of why I am so hesitant. He wants to take them overnight this being the first time, and this woman will be the one taking care of them. He won't even be there most of the time because he works from 6:00 to 3:00. They are going to wake up to some strange woman. It's rediculous. I have tried to talk to him and obviously that doesn't work, so I just have to do it. Maybe I should just flee to Mexico...

I can certainly relate - my ex let her new boyfriend meet our boys after about a month, then a couple of weeks later she started allowing him to sleep over at her house on the weekends when she had the kids. Was totally unbelievable to me. And she wouldn't talk to me about it at all other than to say it was her life and her decision, and to stop 'harassing' her by asking about her reasoning or thought process. She always was a me-first type of person but that totally blew me away. That was 4 months or so ago and it has gotten easier, turns out he seems to be a decent guy and the kids like him. So now I am almost at the point of hoping their relationship succeeds just so the boys aren't forced to go through another break up.

I would ask him what is he smokin'!?!?!??!?!

There is NO way I would go for that, so stick by your guns on that one. That should be a no-brainer for him...some people, huh????

My ex has been remarried for a year and she has offered to take my two boys to give me a break when their father has been out of town and I want to ask the same question. There is no point if dad isn't there!!! HELLO!! They are there it see and visit him - that is the purpose of it all.

Granted, it might not be a bad idea if they kept in contact with her and her kids when their dad is in Iraq just so they aren't total strangers to each other once he comes back, but then again, I don't think their marriage is going to last much longer, so....

Anyway...I went off on my own tyrant (SP) there...I wouldn't go for it...no way!

Also, I would maybe sit with him when the kids aren't around but maybe a friend or family member is and talk to him about his mouth and behavior and let him know that if he doesn't stop his garbage, you'll get a restraining order against him, or call the police and file a domestic dispute against him. Be sure to tell the police that you felt threatened by his burst of outrage and him throwing things. That is not what you want your kids to be around.

If you get a restraining order against him or even if you press charges against him, he could be forced to visit the kids in a center where he can be supervised by psychologists as he interacts with the kids....(I am talking like Childhaven, et cetera) and he will have to pay for it or you can make that a stipulation in your parenting plan...talk to your attorney again and if your attorney tells you "no - there is nothing you can do" maybe get a different one. After all, this is about protecting the kids.

Maybe make arrangements to have a friend or family memeber always with you when he comes around, too so there is a witness from here on out.

I feel your pain! Its totally normal to feel this way. Unfortunately, when we seperate from our ex's, it likeley that there will be another person added to the picture. I knew when I divorced my ex husband, I knew there would eventually be another woman in my son's life. A month is not long enough to subject your kids to meeting a person your ex isnt even sure will be sticking around. Its not right for these children to get attached to someone new and when they break up its like going through another divorce all over again for them. My ex lives with his 22 year old girlfriend. It was extremely hard at first and sometimes it still is, but I have come to the point that I have no control over what he does with his life and unfortunatly that includes having your children involved in it. It sounds like he is abusive and both of you should not be having these conversations in front of your children or within earshot. Do you have a court order in place? If this has happened before in your relationship perhaps its best that you speak only by phone about issues that could get heated into an arguement.
Believe me I have been there and felt the same way you did in your title.
My ex was abusive in our relationship too. I had a restaining order for 3 years. Today we get along great. We dont always agree about his girlfriend and those issues, but we have come to the understanding that we need to do whats best for our son. We just agree to disagree.(why couldnt we have done this when we were married!) He respects me as the mother of his child and I even invited him my son's 5th Bday party Im thowing this year instead of having two seperate parties. I told him that he was more than welcome to come but not to bring his girlfriend and he understands. Good luck and hang in there!

Try this one on for size: My ex met his gf through an online local "adult" group. They get together once or twice a month and have a "playspace" that's basically just a warehouse with bond-age equipment they've put in there and have wild parties.

You'd have to understand here that I kicked him out over a serious addiction to po-rn after he lost his job over it, cost us everything we own, and he still refused to admit he had a problem or do anything about it.

He and the gf has a 2 yr old child, and our divorce isn't even final!!

And the kicker.... the last time my kids spent the night at their house (last July) her 6yr old son from a previous marriage tried to molest my 3yr old daughter!!! And because it was a child, social services couldn't do ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!! It was all "he said, she said"!!!

They NEVER denied that he did it, but they claimed that MY son put him up to it (even though my son has never exhibited that type of behavior before and is protective of his sister). Go figure.

So I agree with you about having your child around someone else. It's not fun. Not at all.