I was married for 22 years. My in-laws were the only real family that I had. As I lost both parents and grandparents. I divorced 5 years ago. My husband and I had two daughters who are now 18 and 20. I am still hurting from the divorce AND the loss of the family unit. I am having to adjust to a life with no family support except for my two children who have left the nest. My mother-in-law is due to have surgery and she is in frail health. I want to send her a card to let her know that I am thinking of her. I recently had to take my ex to court on medical expenses incurred during the last five years and of course he is very bitter about having to pay. He no longer is required to pay any child support under our state law, once the children graduated from high school. I so wish that my ex would have been the loving father and family man and I know that my in-laws feel compelled to stand by their son; however, I worry about the reaction I may get if I send her anything, or the repercussions she may face if her son finds out that I communicated with her. I want my daughters to know that I still love their father and grandparents, even if their father's behaviour is unacceptable. I suppose I will just take the risk, because I would rather my mother-in-law know how I feel while she is still living, whether it is accepted or not. What should I say, or NOT say?

My suggestion is this:

Show your true feelings, concern, and respect. If your ex is not mature enough to see that you care for your children's grandmother, then he is not worth you worrying about how he feels about anything. It is admirable that you care so deeply...Please don't stop and worry about what he has to say.

My "ex-mother-in-law" (her son and I were never married, but she considers me her daughter-in-law even to this day) and her husband is the closest thing I have to a family and they have supported me regardless of how their son may feel. They have been there for two other pregnancies where I carried babies that we not their son's. Today, all three of my children call them Nina and Papa, and my ex is okay with it, since he understands that I have no family except my older sister. When I was in labor with my daughter and they had to do an emergency c-section so I would not lose the baby, Sandra (my ex-mother-in-law) stood up and demanded that she go back with me in the operating room because 'she was my mother'! Anyway, point is: Don't worry about it...send her the card and your love!

Let me know how it goes--I know what it is like to try and raise a family without any support from anyone.

Always,

Stephanee

AnnaK, you need to get your own life and leave your husband's family alone. Your gut is telling you it will cause trouble. Listen to it.