If I believed this one more time.
My daughters father got served some time last week, that I am taking him to court. My lawyer has filed a contempt citation against him. As many of you know, he has lied to me before. He turned very nice, to get his way, and I trusted him. Then he turned around right back to his nasty self again.
I've learned from here, and other reading that I've done, that this is text book abusive personality. When he see's that I'm not about to take any more carp, he turns totally sweet and almost believeable. Well, I'm really wishing that what he is saying is true, but deep down, I know that will not be the case. He just wants me to back down so that things can continue to be as dysfunctional as they have been. Here is the e-mail I got from him this morning. Would you believe it?

"Absolutely, the week of 8/18 - 8/22 is fine. As a matter of fact, I was going to ask you about the following week for vacation with Sara.?

Now that things seem to be a little calmer between us, I'd like to continue with the family therapist (or another therapist if you prefer). I can't believe how much Sara has grown in the last year. Just last week after Sara had gotten ready for bed, she turned around and mentioned that she wanted to get her comb for her hair and a pony tail thing. At that very moment, I realized how quickly she's growing into a beautiful young lady. Marie you and I have a lot of years before us and milestones to be met. I know that you look forward to sharing them with her just as much as I do. We need to keep trying to get along for her sake (and ours). We have elementary school events and graduation, Confirmation, high school graduation, college and then maybe a wedding and children. That's a long time. I don't want her to feel that she can't have both of her parents at these special events in her life. Let me know what you want to do. I think we should keep trying."
He has not been trying all this time. I've many times offered the olive branch just to be rebuffed by him. Why all of a sudden this now? This is what I've been telling him for years. I think he just wants to look good in court, or he wants me back down. I'm not going to be fooled again.

I'd never tell you you were a fool, but, yes it's complete and utter bullshitt. From what you've told us over the past few years, he's a wholesale crapp dispenser, an asswhole casserole. Do NOT, for one nanosecond, believe anything this individual tries to sell you. Your lawyer's in the drivers seat now, don't try to take the wheel back.

quote:

I think he just wants to look good in court, or he wants me back down. I'm not going to be fooled again.

Especially considering the timing - that's exactly what it sounds like to me. Stick to your guns and don't believe any of it for a second.

I would acknowledge the "niceness" but not back down from what you've decided. He might keep it up for awhile thinking he's going to change your mind but in the long run, he'll show his true colors. Until then, you can enjoy some peace between yourselves. Even if you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I agree with Amy. Acknowledge the niceness and insist that your decision are based on what you believe is right for Sara. I do remember some of the things you have posted and he's just full of shitte as Bin said.

Stick to your guns. You are doing what is right for you and your daughter.

quote:

Originally posted by binarian:
an asswhole casserole.

Ha ha that's a good one Bin. Does that come with "cut the cheese" on top?

Thanks for your reassurance. I'm so gullible, I still might have fallen for it once again. I even feel guilty that I'm not. Like, "Maybe THIS time its for real." But I feel even worse when I find out its not.
I was thinking of saying, "This sounds like the speech you gave me two years ago." But I don't even think I'm going to acknowledge it. Not until we get to court anyway.
My stomach is in knots about that too, but I can't let my being scared get in the way. I have to stand up once and for all or this is going to continue for the rest of my daughters life.
It's sad how some parents on here wish their ex's were more involved in their kids lives. I feel like my situation is the polar opposite. I wish I had never told him I was pregnant. Could have, should have, would have. Thinking that does me no good.

quote:

Originally posted by the sane one:
"This sounds like the speech you gave me two years ago." But I don't even think I'm going to acknowledge it. Not until we get to court anyway.

Ya, I wouldn't say that either. It'll make you look like you're not willing to try. As everyone has said already, acknowledge all the positive things he's said so far and continue on with the court plans. The email sounds nice but again, if you've always fallen for it in the past, he's going to keep dishing it out. Kill him with kindness and be as objective as you can. Don't fall into the antagonistic profile and always start your sentences with "I" lol Good luck!

You should use the forum for rough drafts!

sane one, I've followed your story for long enough now to feel confident in saying, I wouldn't believe anything from that guy.....even if he handed you an orange and said...."this is an orange" . Just keep your eyes and ears open and a close hold on wanting to believe in change where this guy is concerned.

I don't know your story but been through the lies as well....stick to your guns and close your ears, or should I say eyes, to his lies!!

Sane One......in my experience with the liars that I have found myself with, is i wouldn't trust that he has changed......it needs to take more than one e-mail to show that he has changed. I would say just like the others definitely acknowledge that he is being nice and keep it that way between ya'll if at all possible but continue on with what you are doing. I don't know your story all that well but I do know from my experiences alot of times when people know that they are wrong and something that is not to their liking is going to happen they will try anything to get us to pull out and make it go away. Stay strong and stick to your guns.

Since I'm still fairly new here...this is the only post I've read regarding your relationship. However, from this post alone and the repsonses I would say the same don't believe him. Everytime my ex screwed up with we were together (literally) he would promise he would change and things were better for a month or so then we'd go right back to the same ole same ole. Play nice while it last but remember how it's ended up every other time. Good luck!!

Sane One....I'm still the newbie around here so I don't know your full background story. But from this post I can pretty much agree and say that his email is total BS. My ex is the same exact way. If he is just trying to look good in they eyes of the court, which he is, you can play that game too. All you can do is aknowledge his niceness. You can even say that you are open to discuss on how to handle your daughter's milestones etc...in a manner that both of you can be there and celebrate with her as they come up as it is still too early to discuss an event that is a year and more away etc... That way the court will also see that you are "trying" with him for the sake of your daughter. Doesn't mean that you really have to.

All in all don't back down. Don't stress too much either...that's what your lawyer is for, you're paying him/her to handle that stress for you! Just follow your gut and do what you think is best for your daughter =)

Wanted to acknowledge all of your responses.
I've thought long and hard about responding to him, but there is just nothing left that hasn't been said already. That is why I am taking the route I am.
Jess made a good suggestion about proof reading here.
I got a call from my childs therapist saying that the psycho is all upset. (I've since found out that my lawyer has filed a contempt citation based on the info I gave him.)
Then I get a call from psycho himself saying, "Is this something we can discuss with the therapist, because now I'm going to have to spend money to find a lawyer." I said that we have discussed this to the bone, and have got nowhere. If he wants to find a lawyer, good. I know that one I went to see, I couldn't use because he had seen her, and she quoted him a really high price because she thought he was off his rocker. I know of another he saw, who just did not want to take the case. The lawyer he had isn't there for him anymore. I don't know why, but I can guess its because of the same reasons of the lawyers I mentioned above.
Anyway, I have been trying to reach the "family therapist" who I have little to no faith in. He does not answer my calls. Yet, my daughters therapist told me he has spoken extensively with the psyhco. What's up with that.
Let me tell you what I know about the "family" therapist. His mom lives in Philly, and she is divorced from his dad. The therapist is divorced and has gone through a custody battle over his son. He has said, in session, that if his ex was the last person on earth, he would never reproduce with her again. How is that supposed to make me feel? Should I know this much about this therapist?
Anyway, I want to e-mail him and say, "Why have you not anwered my calls? I know that you've spoken to (the ex) extensively, but not to me. I wonder what the reason could be." Is there any other way to say it discretely? Does this get the point across?
Little does this therapist know that I'm going to bring up what I just told you, in court, and request that he not be in the picture anymore.
Any opinions would be greatly appreciated before I send him an e-mail. I'd like some outsider input.
Thanks.

quote:

Originally posted by the sane one:
"Why have you not anwered my calls? I know that you've spoken to (the ex) extensively, but not to me. I wonder what the reason could be."

It sounds accusational. Use "I" statements instead of "you" or you're going to make yourself sound like what your ex is describing you as. Make yourself look good. Do you contact him personally or can you set up a date with his receptionist? Do you speak with him via phone conference or do you need to visit his office? How do you know your ex has been speaking with him extensively and what obligations does he have towards you?

Well, thats the thing. He has no receptionist, because he works for himself. His office is his one bedroom apartment. His office phone is his home phone. I have his cell phone too, but he never answers. I just leave messages and he rarely gets back to me. I e-mail him and he does not respond. Only when it is to make appts. or to tell me how much I owe him.
My daughters therapist is the one who recommended him. She says she sends all her difficult cases to him. So the two of them talk. My daughters therapist told me (she responds to e-mails, phone calls etc.) that the ex and the family therapist have spoken.
So, how about I have been trying to reach you? I shouldn't mention that I know he speaks to my ex? He hasn't responded to that yet already. This is so frustrating.