There have been alot of changes in the lives of my guys lately, and I'm wondering if anybody has any advice on how to be sure they come through this with as few scratchs as possible. Below is a copy of a letter I wrote to the therapist I have the boys seeing as a result of all of this. We don't have our first therapy session until the 17th. Any advice or insights is greatly appreciated! Sorry this is so long, but it is alot to explain.

The XXXXXX Family
Home: Melissa, 34 • Trenton, 9 • Jason, 7 • Braedon, 4
Dad’s House: Jason, 32 • Carrie, ?? • Taylor, 12 • Skyler, 3

I have been divorced from their father for just over three years now. During the past three years the boys have seen their father every other weekend; he would pick them up from daycare on Friday night and return them to daycare on Monday morning. Around Easter of this year we found out that their father was getting re-married…to a woman with two girls that the boys had only met once…and moving from Conway to Pottsville. (Their father has always been very open about the fact that he always wanted a girl and was going to have one.) The wedding was scheduled for August so the summer would go on as usual. Then around the middle of April we found out that the wedding had been moved up to June and that visitation had to change. The boys are not getting to have any extended visits with their father this summer; they usually spend a total of six weeks with him in the summer. And their weekend visitation has also changed. I now pick them up from daycare on Friday night and drive them half way to meet him and then on Sunday I again meet him half way to bring them home. Their father has also stopped calling them on a regular basis since his move. (He lived with Carrie for about 6 weeks before the wedding except when the boys were there.) In the past he called almost every night before bed, now he calls about once a week.

Here are some of the things that have happened that I feel may be affecting the boys. The first weekend the boys were with their father after the announcement of his engagement they went to Taylor’s school function…not a big deal, except for the fact that their father has never been to any of their school or scouting functions. Then in May the boys went to their father’s on the weekend of the 17th and had a big birthday party for Taylor. The following weekend was Trenton’s birthday and we celebrated at home. They went to their father’s on the weekend of the 31st and Trenton received two presents, but no cake or anything else. The next weekend they went was the weekend of Braedon and Skyler’s birthdays. On Friday night they had a birthday party for Skyler and on Saturday they had a birthday party for Braedon. Four birthdays in four weeks and all got a party but one. It also seems to be an issue that they never get to sleep in a bed when they are out there. Taylor has a room and Skyler has a room. The boys have to sleep on the floor in Skyler’s room. They are overly adamant that only Skyler can sleep in her bed making me believe that something was said by one or more of the boys about wanting a bed and being told no. I guess my ex also does not run his air conditioner at night and the boys don’t like sleeping when they are hot. They tried to talk my mom into sending her air mattress to their dad’s so that they could sleep on it and they also asked her to give their dad money so that he would run the air conditioner.

During the month of May we also moved. We moved into a bigger apartment in the same complex. Over all the move was a good thing that we are all happy about, but the disruption in the norm also helped add to the stress the boys were under I’m sure. I can also admit that I am not a perfect parent. I do loose my temper and yell, although I am making a conscious effort to control this character flaw in myself. I do also talk to the boys about why I lost my temper and apologize for it when I return to my senses. I have also tried to talk to the boys about what all is going on and how they feel about it, but they don’t seem to want to discuss it with me. I don’t know if they are trying to protect mom, or what, but they do not like to discuss their father and the situation out there with me. I am also scared to push them to talk since I don’t want to put any ideas in their head. I try very hard not to talk bad about my ex in front of them and to not influence their opinion of him.

Some other things that I know bother the boys. Trenton is very small for his age and is very self-conscious about it. It is not uncommon for people to think Jason is the oldest. Trenton also has ADHD, although we have taken him off his Concerta this summer and things are going fine. Jason has vision problems and tends to be rather clumsy and is always bruised. This never bothered him in the past, but this year he was reluctant to wear shorts since people would be able to see his bruised up legs. Jason also has nighttime incontinence issues, which is attributed to the fact that he only has one kidney. He was starting to go several nights in a row without an accident, but in May when all the changes came about he went back to wetting every night. Jason has also been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Impulse Control Disorder. Braedon has a rare food allergy (casein, a milk protein) as well as dysphasia, so he has to have all his food and drink brought into daycare and restaurants from home. He sometimes gets upset that he cannot eat and drink the same things as others and his brothers.

Since all the changes in their lives took place, the boys have been having behavior problems at school and daycare. They have been disrespectful to authority, fighting with others and each other, having mood swings, and in need of more one on one attention from me. Trenton and Braedon have both reverted back to getting into bed with me every night. When they get into trouble (Trenton especially) they have overly emotional reactions. It is almost like they fear that I am going to reject or forget them, and they take my getting upset with them as a sign that I don’t love or want them. (They have made comments to my mom along these lines.) There have also been a lot of questions about whether or not they are getting a step-dad. Braedon told his father the other night that he only loves him a little, but that he loves me and my mom bunches and bunches. There was also an incident the last week of school where Jason was sent to the assistant principle’s office due to fighting, and the assistant principle asked Jason if he needed to call his dad to come and get him. I’m not sure what Jason said to the assistant principle at the time, but when he got home that night he told me that he knew that would never happen. When I asked him what he meant, he said that “Daddy would never come to school for me. He never comes to anything.” I never confirmed nor denied this I just made sure that he knew I would always be there, and that I loved him even though I was disappointed in his behavior that day.

My mom and dad are also big in the lives of the boys. My mom is my “other parent” in this adventure of single parenting and is very active in all their activities so I’m sure she (Gramma Cissie or Regular Gramma) will come up in talking with the boys. I’m also sure that I will think of other things that have happened or been said, but this gives you a basic understanding of why we are here. I did not want to have to relay all of this in the presence of the boys since I really don’t know what, if any of this, is bothering them, and I don’t want to influence their feelings and attitudes, especially towards their dad. Also, my ex does not know that I have put the boys in therapy. I decided to wait until after our first session to tell him.

Since I wrote this to the therapist, I did tell their dad who acted as if he was really sorry for it all and understood and promised things would get better...NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Nothing at all, just more empty promises that he never comes through on.

Hey Missie, Sounds like you and your boys have more than your share to deal with. There are several simiarities to my own situation with my son so I felt I had to respond. First off, You should be commended for being so flexible and concerned for their well being. I agree completely with your stance on not speaking negatively of their father in front of them. All you can do is continue to be there for them and express your feelings to your ex. It sounds like he is caught up in his new life but that is not an excuse for some of the things he is allowing to go on. I think the therapy sessions are a good idea. I am currently looking into that for my son as well. I do think you need to discuss it with their father beforehand because even though he is dropping the ball in many ways, he still has the right to know. I would encourage him to attend a session with them. He needs to hear it from them. All i can say is continue to love those boys like crazy and let them know that none of this is their fault. Hopefully their father will come around but if not he will be the one losing out when they are older and choose not to have a close relationship with him. Best of luck to you all and keep us updated.

TJBmom -

Sounds like you have your hands full. Thank goodness for your parents who seemed to have stepped up in the place of your ex.

My nephew has been through similar experiences and I've had the pleasure of seeing it all and what it has done to him (he's now 14 & has major issues).

I've always heard this advice: never ever put adult issues on your children's shoulders. That means asking them details of what happened at their dad's, telling them to tell their dad something for you, asking about the step-children, etc. Kids are so smart and they know when a parent is trying to dig for information to form an opinion about their father and his situation.

That will make them feel stuck in the middle and they already feel like this divorce is somehow their fault. They love their dad and they love you too, they don't want to have to choose sides ever. I'm sure when they bring up negative situations that have happened at their dad's house they are not intending for you to get angry, but maybe they're just venting or trying to figure things out for themselves. Even if they are trying to get you mad at him, I would just play it cool and not show any emotion in front of them.

They might be telling your mom these things because she is a third party and they don't want you to get upset.

The other thing is, what our ex's do is out of our control. We can take them to court for support, visitation, etc. but what they do at their house on their weekends is out of our hands. It's sad that they don't treat them all the same and throw a b-day party for all of the kids, or show up at school functions, but there's nothing us moms can do about stuff like that. You are obviously a great parent, and they are obviously not. We can't make people treat our kids the way we think they should be treated. It's sad and the boys are the ones who suffer but if their dad can't see what he's doing then there's not much else you can do. But I think you are taking the right steps and getting them into therapy. That shows what a wonderful and loving mom you are and that will make up for their absent-minded father. They know that they have you in their corner and that you love and support them no matter what. I wish my ex-sister in law would have taken my nephew to therapy a looong time ago. He's going now but I think it's a little too late. He's got serious issues, but BOTH of his "parents" (I'm using that term lightly) are neglectful and not very loving.

One more thing, never tell your boys things like "well you're mommy's little men and you are going to help me be strong" or "you have to take care of me since your dad isn't around anymore, you are the man of the house." My sister in law did that and my nephew felt so much pressure to make her happy and make sure everything in her life was A-Okay. When she was upset he would try and help her but that was out of his control and he would blame himself. It was, and is, such a horrible experience for him. I still feel so bad for him and wish he could come and live with me. He said he wants to but is afraid his mom will hate him.

Now I'm no professional so take my advice lightly, but I have seen this take place in my own family and I see how this affects children in the long run. I also watch Dr. Phil everyday! He's great with family advice, maybe you can get his book "Family First." There are sections in there about broken homes and step families. I'm reading it for myself and my daughter. Take care, you seem like you are on the right track and you are probably already aware of the things I mentioned but I thought I'd reply just in case! Good luck with your boys!

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and it also doesn't sound very unfamiliar to me.

My teen son was diagnosed with ADHD recently and I am learning a lot about the dx. There is an author who wrote a book about single parenting and raising children with ADHD. Her name is Chris Zeigler Dendy, M.S. I found comfort and understanding as she writes about the issues and structure a single parent can implement to help our children.

Your boys are very lucky to have you. They sound like they already know who they can count on.

Thanks for all the support!

Just to update...I did tell their dad about everything the same day I wrote the letter to the therapist. At the time he was all "upset" about it and wanted to fix it. Three days later we had a long conversation (well, I actually talked more to the new wife than him) about what could be done. They tried to convince me that the boys didn't need therapy and that I was overreacting. They said they wanted to take each of the boys one on one for a night to see if that would help. Of course the one on one would include her kids so it's not really one on one. But, of course, nothing has happened as of yet to follow through on this. He hasn't even called them since they came home nine days ago. And in talking to the new wife I discovered that she has told my ex that her mom will watch her kids when she has to work on the weekends my guys are there so that my ex can have time with just the boys, but he refuses. Even after he learned all this. Oh well, guess I'm done b&tching for now.