I feel worse than I have in a while. The past month or so I've felt like the man I used to be but I'm about to put the language filter to a test.

Anyway, I was listening to talk radio today. A woman called in to talk about how she had left her husband and walked out on her family for a man she met online. She sounded so nonchalant about the whole thing. I seriously came close to calling and ripping her a new ***. I would have been screaming my head off though.

Anyway, she didn't consider what she did cheating because she just dumped on her family before doing so. She seemed to feel that absolved her.

Let me tell you, cheating isn't that bad. Betrayal, stabbing in the back, walking off on the family and responsibilities that is what separates a human from a *********** piece of ****.

I'm sure she had no idea the pain she left behind. Children crying themselves to sleep at night, asking where is mommy? Husband hiding his misery from the kids only to lay awake at night, every night till time stood still. The psychological impact and post traumatic stress of this type of betrayal is supposedly worse than being raped.

Now perhaps this anger I had at this caller is just my displaced aggression as I place my ex on a pedestal. Still, I thought I had gotten over things. Now as night sets in my anger has been replaced by emptiness once again.

I thought I was finally OK.

You ARE Ok...

There is just a little left over....

Ok, jokes aside...when that hits you like that, always remember your breaking up and not down..it is just a little less of anger and resentment that just lifted from you...

So in essence your doing better even though all those memories came flushing through like a tornado, it actually helped you to vent it off...

Did that help? ok, maybe not..

*sigh*

You never really get over the betrayal do you? I think we just learn to put it someplace else so that our kids dont see how bad we feel. Sometimes those feelings come to the surface again and oput us right back there where the hurt was so bad. I'm sorry that happened to you. I know how it feels. A friend of mine told me just the other day when I was having one of "those moments" that he couldnt break me. I had been through all of it and survived and he can't break a person that is that strong. Of course I didn't feel strong when I was pulled over on the side of the road sobbing, but she was right. I have made it through it all and apparently so have you. Hang in there...I know the emptiness well and tomorrow it will once again pass.

Yea, helped.

That just hit home because my wife pulled the same thing. She announced what she was about to do before she did it. It made her feel like it gave her a moral pass. Honestly though, she was free to go. So why should I have the right to feel this.

Anyway, revisiting feeling tonight I had hoped to never experience.

You would have the right to feel this because you may not have expected it to happen...yet since she was in the situation, she knew all along as she was doing what she was doing..to you it was a surprise or shock and when someone does that, it feels as though they just ripped your world apart.

Totally normal to go through it time and time again...but be careful you don't dwell too much on it and try to let it go one piece at a time.

To answer glidesmom, I don't know the answer to that in all situations...I do know it is possible but for many it takes time. For some a few years, and others a lifetime.

Letting go was never easy. But not impossible.

Funny you mention letting go. I want to let go because I still love her and I want her to be happy. Yet if I hadn't loved her I probably wouldn't care .

I understand- though I was blindsided by my ex leaving and going on to cheat. Didnt see it coming at all...no announcement, etc- just one minute he was her, and a few hours later , he was gone.

I am feeling alone tonight as well- maybe there is something in the air....whatever it is- it sucks!! Just when I think I get "past" this hurt- it all resurfaces again!

quote:

Originally posted by Michail:
Funny you mention letting go. I want to let go because I still love her and I want her to be happy. Yet if I hadn't loved her I probably wouldn't care .

I think letting go, has to be because you love yourself...you can't hang on to that anger for the rest of your life...at least I suggest you don't. You won't be doing yourself any justice.

It's painful...I know what it is like. Been there...I can't say that I forgive this person to the point that I would ever consider taking him back...but...I had to realize that he obviously had issues I was unaware about deep inside himself, and he has to live with that. I lost an unborn child out of this. I was devastated, and felt not only rejected by him, but ...anyway...It hurts, and I understand what pain is...appreciate the time you had with this person, and the pain they caused you, because obviously this person was not meant for you...

It is unclear as to what Letting Go involves...it takes time and healing. A better life awaits you...but that might not happen until you Let Go.

Sometimes what I do is when I light my fireplace, or if I am near water because I LOVE water....when the pain would resurface, I would appreciate the pain for what it brought me, and then each time, cast that pain, into the fireplace, or imagine I would put that pain on a piece of paper, put in a bottle and watch it cast away from me into the water....Many times I found myself in the morning, casting it away in the shower. Close my eyes for a few minutes while it hit my face, and let the water wash it all away and go down the drain.

Now, I don't need to do that....

But sometimes when I walk through the store and I am by myself, and I see the baby section, every now and then, I stop for a minute and think about what Tyana would be like. So a small part of it resurfaces now and then, but it is not nearly as painful...and as for HIM, well I no longer have that pain even though I may think about him very very very briefly for whatever reason that reminds me of him, I have no use for him nor his pain...

Another neat way of looking at pain that resurfaces is, I think it is our body's way of saying

"look, you better start dealing with some of this STUFF, because I have no room for this "Garbage", so here is some more of it and you better deal with it, cause it's overflowing in here and if you don't I will try to push it out through your organs"....this where body pains come in."
You start feeling heartburns, or headaches, or frequent stomach pains, ulcers, tightness in neck, jaws, back pain and other part of your body. SOmetimes leading to more serious illnesss.

I am not saying that I am perfect, and that I don't deal with pain that resurfaces...sometimes it does, but the body gives you just enough it knows you can handle...then it goes away again, until it decides time for more...when the trash is all gone, you feel more liberated.

WOW where to start I'll need to think on this one.

But SPC has done a good start tho

Dawg

Hi Michail,

Sorry you're feeling this way, but you are not alone (as you can see above).

I myself was cheated on...On my 30th birthday, my (now ex) husband cooked a great meal, gave me flowers and then after dessert felt the need to tell me that he had cheated on me about 2 months prior. I was a little over 5 months pregnant. He wanted to "work it out", I just wanted out (the cheating was 1 of many other things)...Finally the last week of March, I gave my landlord notice that we would be moving the end of April. I told my hubby the last week of April that he'd have to find a home and that I was moving home. He was a bit surprised, and bummed that he couldn't stay in the apt. but he quickly found somewhere to rest his head.

Three weeks later my son was born.

We all have things that are tough to deal with, whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Believe in yourself and the future and this shall pass and you'll feel better.

Take care and keep your chin up!



Caitlin

PS - that all took place 7+ years ago...we are great and we handle our challenges as they come. This board is great for support!

Boy, feeling much better today. It really has been a few months since I've had one of those episodes.

It made me think though. People are always accusing me of being too nice to her, making excuses for her, defending her, etc.

There must be some repressed anger towards her in me and when I had a similar target that wasn't her it came out.

Anyway, I don't want this anger. I've got too much else going on in my life to fight with an ex. She's racked with enough self inflicted guilt as it is.

That is good to hear...

Just know it is normal for it to resurface until you have dealth with all of it..

good job...hang in there