Ok well... like my life isnt dramalicious enough... here we go again. sperm donor is back in town. for on messenger last night and asked if he could come see our son.. I told him i was off today and he could come. he said that his girlfriend would be with him as it is her car. well i told him she would have to stay in the car. <nicer of course> so then he asks about my sons 1st birthday party... "can she come then?" and my responce is "she wasnt invited" so now i dont think he's even gonna show up to his own kids 1st birthday when he lives not even 15 miles away.
so need a little input here... should I let him bring the coniving evil woman to my house, to my sons birthday party? just so his dad will be there? or should i just say forget it.. he prolly is just making excuses to not show up.

????

I think you have to decide what is best for your son. I personally, would not feel comfortable with the girlfriend being there, and I think your ex lacks class for even asking to bring her. He obviously has no regard for your feelings.

Ask yourself if the girlfriend being there will make you so uncomfortable that you will not be able to focus on your son. If that's the case, I would say - tell him no. If he does not come for that reason -it's on him not you.

I think your son will be happiest if everyone is happy for his birthday!

I guess it depends on your motives...

Do you not want her there simply because you resent her? Or do you really think her being around will harm your son? Have they been together long and it's something that will more than likely continue, or is she just the 'flavor of the week'?

Also, about the dad... is here here to stay or will he be one of those in and out dads? If he's going to be an in-and-out dad, I'd say don't invite him based on that, not on the girlfriend. But if he's going to stay in the picture and the girlfriend's going to be around, as well, I say swallow your pride and let your son have the opportunity to have his daddy at his birthday. (I would give ANYTHING for my daughter's dad to make an honest effort!)

If that just won't work for you, you can always suggest he throw him his own birthday party and then you don't have to deal with being uncomfortable...

I know how difficult it is when it comes to "the other woman". I have had to face is many times with my daughter's step-mom. My inspiration for breaking the mold (as it were) when it came to this centurys long drama was my parents. My dad has been married 4 times, 3 of whick produced children. The "others" always had their degree of bitterness but the thing that always got me was that come Christmas,Thanksgiving, ect. They could bite thier tongue for us kids. That might have meant no words were exchanged with regard to territory angst, but it was a good lesson Iam trying to apply. While I may always be sore from my past relationship I remember the hell I came from and wouldn't try that combination again. If he wants to be with someone else more power to him because I certainly don't have my heart set on him anymore. Furthermore the 3 exs just loved to cackle about him in the kitchen at Christmas. irrelevant I know but it made them stronger in their decision.
Anyway you may even want to look at her as pehaps you before you began to see his evil ways. No doubt sometimes good people just aren't meant to be together but if your ex had major emotional issues then its extreamly unlikely that he'll change. So pity her if nothing else because she just might not know what she's getting into and sometimes you need to pick your battles!

well alex i dont want her there for many reasons.. one truthfully being that i hate her. they have been together for a few months but i seriously doubt it will last past my divorce being finalized. she's pregnant with his child <which makes me resent her more> and takes every oppurtunity possible to pick a fight with me. shes childish and i cant stand to talk to her online let alone be around her.
and about my ex he is in NO way a here to stay dad. he and i have been split for about 4 months now and he has been here to see his son twice. TWICE! and he trys to blame it on me like he doesnt see his son because i wont let him take him anywhere. well until custody is established i wont because i wouldnt put it past him to run off with my kid for spite. <and then bring him back 2 weeks later cause he cant handle a 11 month old>
but as for the whole situation.. i really think he's just using the whole thing as an excuse not to show up and not feel bad about it. i guess he can just keep on telling himself it was my fault.

and lemonade i did feel sorry for her in a way in the begining... here she is preg with his kid and he's already expressed his non-commital-ness to many of his family members and friends. he doesnt really wanna be with her. he just has no where else to go <since i kicked him out> but now i have no pity... she is rude and mean and always trying to start some arguement or hurt someone around her... she is a very negative person and i really cant stand her. and i guess its childish of me to not allow her at my sons party.. but the tension and unhappiness that will ensue of her coming along would ruin the whole party.
all i want is for a happy birthday for my son... weather his dad be there or not.

If she insists on provoking you for no reason, I wouldn't let her be there either. Your son doesn't need to be around you guys constantly arguing.

I am not a sperm donor, nor do the two girls I raise refer to me as such. You need to seek counceling. There are allways two parents, no more, no less.

I am sorry if this sound brash, but maybe you should read your own words and see if you would like being on the other side of this argument. peace

sorry, I just find that anyone refered in that way is demeaning, and no, I am not THEE donor.

My daughter's father is nothing more than a sperm donor. We all understand that two parents are better than one, but getting someone pregnant or becoming pregnant yourself doesn't automatically make you a parent. Being a parent takes work, and when one decides he (or she) is not going to be a parent, then they are reduced to nothing more than the sperm donor (or egg harvester or whatever the equivalent would be for the woman...) Alot of us here use the term 'sperm donor'. We are in no way trying to demean you fathers who are actually fathers.

No. Those of you who ARE actually fathers, we fully commend you. You see, sperm donor is actually an appropriate term for some of our exes. Take mine. I know some of you have heard this at nausiem, but please bear with me.
My ex is a drug abuser, drinks and drives (even with me in the car while preggy), is an exessive gambler, cannot hold down a job, stole over $600 dollars from his landlord before he moved in with me, and after I kicked his worthless a$$ out of the house, continued to call and harrass me, out of hope that I would miscarry. He has only seen my son ONCE since he was born. He told me when I did not put him on the birth certificate that he was going to take me to court, then turned around less than 1 minute later and told me it wasn't worth it. His own child, who the whole time I was pregnant told me he wasn't even his, says that my son isn't worth his time and energy. That being said Paul, is what qualifies him strictly as a sperm donor. And you know what? My son is a perfectly happy and adjusted 16 month old. I moved to OR where I don't really know anyone, but he seems to be perfectly content with me and my parents. He idolizes my father, which actually makes me happy, because my father is a good role model for him.
So you see, (sorry about the ranting), you are not a sperm donor, and we are not trying to demean you or other men that have actually stepped up to the plate and have taken a very active roles in your childrens lives. I say bravo to all of you that do. But, not every man (or woman) is like you. Some of them really are nothing more that sperm or egg donors.

I can understand where Paul is coming from, I have never particularly liked the term myself, in fact I really hate it. I find it somewhat demeaning for both sides, even though it does convey well the anger women feel towards these guys who just won't take responsibility. I'm sure there are plenty of words that the men use that just cannot be posted without stars that women would take offense to. I think everyone here has the understanding that when we refer to our ex's in a negative way it is not meant to reflect upon anyone in this forum. If you were not trying to be the best parent then you wouldn't be here to begin with.
My son's biological has absolutely no involvement, by my choice, but I would never refer to him as a donor. I always tended to call him my "fall from grace", because I feel I need to take at least half, if not more, responsibility for what happened. The same goes for many of the other single parents out there, who complain of loser ex's. Generally the loser ex's that won't take responsibilty now was like that before the pregnancy but either the traits were ignored or worse yet the person felt they could change the person's behavior. If your with someone like that to begin with then you have to take some responsibilty for choosing to be with that person and what then results from that relationship.

I just want to remind you ladies that the term is found to be offensive by some members and we pride ourselves around here on the higher level of respect we have for each other on this site. Reminding you also that at a least one time in your lives, the father wasn't considered anything less than the perfect man. One time, I said. There are less caustic terms we can use I'm sure. The frustrations are understood and justified.

Paul, welcome to the site. You are a minority here, like me, but the ladies here are the best. What you read is merely a rant which we encourage. "Better here than in the courtroom or in front of the children" we always say. Don't take it personal. I prefer to respond by showing the moms that there are great fathers out there who take the time to join sites like this and partricipate with the only reason being to be the best parents we can. You have earned respect already from these ladies just by signing up.

I would say it's not childish to not want his GF there. I know I would not want my baby's fathers new GF near me while i'm pregnate or when I have our baby. There is resentment and it's just to fresh of a hurt. I was say it's just not worth it and as far as I'm concerened he should respect your whishes and just show up w/out her.

Good luck and I hope things work out ok.

SPIRIT

i think it all depends on what will be best for ur baby. personally i get on really well with my ex's new girlfriend and she will be welcome here at ambers 2nd birthday. however if having her there will cause an athmosphere in ur home on ur sons birthday then maybe it would be better without them there. im sure if she is in anyway a decent person she wouldnt try and stop ur babys dad being at his own sons party regardless of how u and her feel about each other and he could attend on his own. its all about what would make for the nicest day for ur little one really! i hope the day goes well for u both regardless of how this situation turns out!

I actually apologize for blowing up, had a bad cold at the time and it just hammered me between the eyes, so to speak. But, I have pleanty to say about my ex, but I once loved the woman, and I love the kids that are part of her and me. So, you won't hear me disparage the woman at all. Anyway, sorry again.