Can I get some opinions and thoughts. As you may know my divorce was a long drawn out 3 year ordeal final in April. We were together for 13 years. It was ugly and my ex was an alchoholic and abusive. In the past few months my ex and I have actually been communicating fairly well together, because of some issues my son is having in school (he's 4). He had been attending all of my son's games and had brought his girlfriend to every single game. Very hard for me at first but i introduced myself and i was very nice. Anyways I asked him if he could get me a picture of him my son and his bother (his other child he has from another women) for a family tree for my son's school. I didnt feel it was right just having a picture of me up there. So he said he would be happy to get me one. When my son came back from the weekend my ex told me they were in his bag. I looked and there was a card in an envelope with my name on it. The card was of 2 bears (mom & dad) and 2 bear cubs, I proceeded to open it and it was from his girlfriend. (with pictures inside) They didnt include her in the photos, but she proceeded to tell me how much she loves and cares for my son, how wonderful and adorable he is and looks forward to the weekend's he comes to visit to make new memories. She also wrote that she hopes things get better with him at schol and she is here to support everyone blah blah blah!! I really didnt know how to respond to this. Thoughts anyone??

On the face of it I think your ex may have delegated a job to his girlfriend that he should have undertaken himself. I don't know if he did it because he's lazy or if there's some darker motive. Since my divorce I've become much more of a cynic and look more suspiciously on gestures I once wouldn't have given much thought to. You've got 2 people here who might have ill-intentions, or maybe not. It sounds like the girlfiend is being a little pretentious, since girlfriends busy trying to "make memories" fail to realize they can be gone by the end of a break-up dinner, a mere memory themselves.

You sound like a fairly centered lady who is able to tell when someone is speaking falsely. I think you should trust your instincts on this one. As far as how to respond...why respond at all? If it's sincere then let it rest on those merits. If it was somehow meant to be spiteful then getting a rise out of you would mean he/she/they succeeded. So be the classy one (you sound classy) and let it go.

My ex-wife is getting ready to marry her "future ex-husband" less than 18 months after her 2d failed marriage. I've come to realize that sometimes people/relationships are just trainwrecks waiting to happen...and there's nothing you can do but just stay out of the way of the carnage. This girl seems to be making way too many plans based on her current standing, if you know what I mean.

Thank you for your response! I think your right, she is like 25 and he is 38 so what does that tell you. She's naive and doesnt get it yet, living with a man with 2 children with 2 different mothers. Also what do you think about this- when I offered to drop my son off at his work the day before thanksgiving the follwing week after I got the card, he was very appreciative (we work fairly close to eachother so i brought my son to the office his school was closed) I called to see if he would be getting out of work early and then told him we were going to lunch and he says "why dont we all go" I was stunned. This was a man who I thought hated me with a passion. So I said ok. We met in a public place so i felt safe enough and we had a very nice time. My son especially had fun (at Benihanas) When we were leaving he asked me if i got the pictures he put in my son's bag and I responded "Yes I got them Thank you" I couldnt bring myself to tell him to thank her for the card. Even though that would have been the right thing to do. I have been completely civil and reasonable ever since this started and this is the first signs in 3 years he has been human. He is really wanting to get involved in his school situations and offered to always take our son if I ever need someone to watch him. Maybe this girl makes him happy, Maybe he has finally grown up, maybe he is trying to impress her by now trying to be father of the year (before he had a girlfriend he could have cared less if he saw our son.) Whatever the reason for him trying to be a better father, I dont care as long as he is being there for his kids. Thats the way I should look at anyways. But yes I sometimes think "what is he up to?"

I know what you mean about your ex, when people dont change thier bad behavior, it will continue on into the next relationship. A hell of thier own making!

It sounds like your ex is making a good faith attempt at being a cooperative parent with you. And, as you say, whatever the reason he's getting involved in your son's life it's a good thing. Divorce brings out a lot of bitterness that sometimes look like hatred in reasonable folks. Once you overcome the bitterness hopefully you see that your kids are what really matter. Maybe that's what's happening.

My guess is that this 25 yr old g/f is someone he has taken up with as a buffer for his pain. And that isn't the best basis for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. It prevents him from growing and short-changes her because she's merely a token.

My son is the focus of my world. Everything is in perspective as long as I stay that way. What our ex's do to further mess up their lives can't be controlled. The best we can do is be the stable parent and be a good role model. I think you're doing a great job here. Just do the "one day at a time" thingy.

I know that you are doing the right thing trying to be civil, here. Yet I cant help but empathize with you. Getting this card from the girlfriend is a hard one to swallow. Kudos to you for being really mature about it.

My ex-husband was, and still is, an immature guy who wants to play at being adult....once every 6 months.... Anyway, for years after we split, and he finally figured out I was serious (???), every girl he dated would suddenly want to be my girls' "stepmother" or "other mother" or whatever term they chose. One of them even sent a Christmas card to the girls which she signed with my ex-husband's last name, eventhough they weren't (and never did get) married. I had spent the years while my girls were young simply avoiding any negative comments about their dad and responding to any questions they had as honestly as I could without making him out to be a bad guy. I figured they would find out for themselves once they were older.

Now that they are grown, my oldest has a realistic picture of her dad, thanks to his lack of support, lack of attention (not even a birthday card!) etc. The youngest is in denial.... I'll talk more about that another time.

I wouldn't get concerned about responding to the "new" girlfriend until there's a reason to think she'll be around long-term, unless of course, you have concerns about her influence on your children. If and when a new woman in the dad's life seems to be more than just a passing fancy, it will be time to think about how to communicate with her. : )

Well I think they have been living together for about a year now. He use to only have my son on Sat. from 9-6 and only started getting overnights with him 6 months ago. I know I should only worry if she is mistreating my son, so i guess i should be thankful she seems nice. I was once in her shoes and loved his other son like he was my own but I knew he had a mother and I respected that. I feel like he is just trying to find someone to raise his kids because he cant take care of them on his own. He only wants to be an active father when he feels like it. But all of a sudden he is acting like super dad. My guess is he is probaby going to marry her and trying to show her how great everything could be. I just feel bad that these signifigant other come into our kids life and then go away (eventually). Frankly I feel I dont owe her anything. I know how amazing my son is, she doesnt need to tell me. I also think its funny my ex still talks crap about his other son's mother to me and I know he is saying the same things about me.
I know my son will figure it out when he is older. I always talk to him about his dad i a very positive way. I would never say anything negative about him in front of my son. My son has also been telling me he wishes me and his dad and him lived in the same house and that he wants me to come to his dads house to see the xmas tree, etc. I wasnt prepared to answer these questions till he was much older. He knows me and his dad were together but i left him when my son was only 18mo.

Im sorry sending your daughters a christmas card with his last name, that is so tacky and innappropriate. Some women are so clueless!

Thanks so much for your imput Joe, misabb and wan2dance. I appreciate it very much.