After spending the past few weeks reading through and responding to all of your posts, I�ve finally came to a point where I�m comfortable enough to post a problem of my own.

First, some background: I was with my daughter�s father for about 3 years. I ended our relationship about 2 months after Ava was born. He was abusive toward me � verbally, physically, sexually; there was also cheating and occasional drug use � many of you are familiar with this situation, as you�ve been through it yourselves. And to make matters even more interesting, he has at least 3 other children (that I know of) with other women. I had first attempted to maintain a relationship between him and Ava, but after witnessing his lack of effort, lack of concern and broken promises, I decided to cut him off from her completely to hopefully avoid him hurting her in the future. I decided it would be easier for her to forget about him at a year old than to have to suffer through broken promises, neglect, and I would expect, a different �step mom� every other week.

I have maintained a telephone relationship with his mom. (She lives 6 hours away) She is supportive to a point, but obviously, she�s his mom, so she doesn�t always agree with my decisions. She agrees that he treated me horribly and that he�s been a terrible father, but always suggests I give him �one more chance�.

And finally, to my problem: Now when I allow Ava to talk to her grandmother (his mom) on the phone, Grandma keeps asking her if she�s talked to her daddy. So when they get off the phone, she asks for daddy the rest of the night. I�ve asked Grandma not to mention him and am now contemplating cutting her off altogether, as well. My daughter loves talking to her but only gets upset after getting off the phone. Since Grandma obviously will not comply with my requests regarding my daughter, I�m also afraid she will mention other things to my daughter as she gets older. One of these things being her �brothers� and �sister�, whom she will never know and will do her no good to even know about.

Yes, I want my daughter to have a father and yes I want her to have her grandmother, but I know her father will bring nothing but pain and confusion. My mind is made up in regards to him � never again will he be given �just one more chance�, so that�s not the question. (but feel free to comment if you want.) What I can�t decide is whether or not I should cut off Grandma too. She is making the �father situation� much more difficult for my daughter, and, I believe, will make it even more difficult as she gets older. I would love to hear what you all think about this�

(Oh, and by the way, I�m not easily offended, so if you think I�m crazy, stupid, delusional or all of the above, feel free to say so! I want all the feedback I can get!)

Congratulations! You�ve finally made it to the end of my post! If you�re not dozing off, pulling out your hair, or twitching uncontrollably, you�ve done very well! And I thank you so much for your time�

LOL ok first you made me laugh at the end of your post with the pulling out hair/twitching remark.. thank you....
Second, if you believe that it is harmful to your little one to have him around... then cut him off... that is why you are her mother.
Three, if Grandma cannot will not respect the boundries and rules you put up... then she isn't helping you or your precious one... give her a clear warning... "I understand you want her to know about him, but that is my choice as her mother to decide if he is healthy for her... If you cannot respect the rules I have set you are not helping him or your granddaughter... if you don't stop making things worse... then I will not allow her to talk to you either." Just make sure you are willing to follow through.
I know people may disagree with me and thats ok... but I know that my parents were countering whatever i said when i visited them... I them told them if they couldn't back me up if front of my kids... then they couldn't see my kids... needless to say they back me fully now. It wasn't an easy decsion for me and I know it's not for you... but you have to do what you feel is right for your child.... Tell Grandma if she wants him to be in your childs life... get him to start being a person that is safe for your child to be around... and to be that person for 10 yrs... Then you'll talk with her about it... but not with your daughter.....

Holy smokes! Is this the night for long posts or what? Earthmother is still creating hers and somebody kept me busy for 15 minutes with their new cat.

Hi alexmichele07,

So you say not to worry about offending you. Okay here goes. Have you considered what your daughter will tell her school pals in grade 3 when they talk about daddy this and daddy that? Have you thought about what you will say at 12 whan she asks why her daddy couldn't be at the recital? And when she's playing with her doll house, do you think she might wonder what her dad looks like when she looks at the Ken doll?

I don't think slamming the door on Dad would be good for the child. In time, when Dad matures, if Dad matures, then maybe she will have a basis to answer all those questions. In the meantime, as she is as young as she is, tell Dad to grow up and hope for the best from him. But for me this isn't about the dad but about the daughter and those inevitable questions she will have. You won't be able to shelter her all her life.

As for Grandma...lay the law down. You're the mother.

I hope I haven't offended you.

Jaydsdad...

No, you absolutely did not offend me. I had a feeling I would get a response like yours from someone if I didn't explain the father. But my post was long enough without the explanation. I'll explain now, as briefly as possible...

First, let me say that your advice would have been exactly what I would have said to someone else in a similar situation. I tried like h*** to develop a relationship between Ava and her dad from the very beginning. I couldn't do it by myself. He refused to get a car seat, but wanted to be able to pick her up. He had roommates who sold drugs, but wanted her to stay the night. Ava has bad asthma, but he refused to not smoke around her. And then when we'd agree to meet so he could spend time with her, he'd never show up and never answer his phone. The only time he ever really wanted to see was when he'd get a new girlfriend and wanted to show her off. Apparently the high school age girls he was picking up god knows where were impressed by the fact that he had a little girl.... I finally put my foot down.

His oldest is 7, with another mother. I've seen first hand what his influence does to his kids. It breaks my heart. I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up in jail by the time he's 12. I don't want anything like that for my daughter.

I always thought that everyone would grow up eventually, given enough time... but looking at the other men in his family, I realize that some people are just plain stupid and irresponsible and will never grow up.

So in place of a father, Ava has her grandfather. We spend as much time with my dad as we can so that she has some sort of positive male influence in her life. I feel horrible that i picked a cr***y father for her, but I'm doing my best to make up for it in any way I can.

So, thank you for your advice, and no, I was not offended! I appreciate honesty, rather than sugar coating things to avoid hurt feelings. I think as adults we should be able to handle the truth.

Sorry!! This was way longer than I meant for it to be.

You seem to have thought much on this. I can't say you're wrong and I won't. Ava picked a great mommy.

Alex, I didn't have time to read all of the posts but I did read yours and guess what, you are contemplating the same thing that I went through before Kai was born. Finally, after my x's family kept talking about him, even though Kai was only 3 months old, I severed all ties. I didn't want her always asking where's daddy. Needless to say, dog and dada are mostly what she says. But you need to do what is right for you and Ava. If you are happy, she'll be happy. When she is older you can figure out a way to explain her father to her. Good luck hon.

My son's father is a loser. He used to be a good Dad and now he is around when he wants to be. He is irresponsible and uses Meth off and on.

The point is, he is not a positive influence. He doesn't work and lives off his sugar mama. I have things in place to protect my son. I agree to no let her go with him if puts her in danger.

Just don't talk about what a loser he is. As she groes, she will figure it out on her own. I will only say positive things around my son. They don't need to feel guilty about their dad.

This goes for all us, no matter the situation. Leave the adult problems for the adults.

Kai's dad was a pot head and used cocaine off an on. I do not want to raise my daughter to be around that kind of thing. Kai's dad probably would do the in/out thing when he wants to be. He never had a stable living and he was always living with family/friends and only had a job about 6 months out of the year.

I agree with leaving adult problems for adults. I don't believe that children should have to deal with anything other than happiness at home. Kids need to feel loved and safe. People who fight and argue, and show their kids anger in ways that are not appropriate, just need to not have kids.

I am glad you stay positive around your son. That's always good.

smshybug,

You are so right. I need to e-mail that quote to my X!!!

It's true. You might as well be happy. I had to learn that the hard way.

Yah, email it to him and watch him give back some snappy, smart a** remark.

Like yesterday, I left him message regarding child support. We do not talk at all anymore. I only call him if I have to. I was wondering when the check would come. He usually will not call me back no matter how important it is. Mind you, I don't call him unless it is extreme importance. So I said, " Hi Matt. I was wondering if you sent the child support. I wanted to know if it is coming today or soon. If you don't call me back and let me know in 24 hours, I will have to file with family court for non-payment. So, just let me know when it is coming." He called back and I didn't answer. He said " NICE MESSAGE. I MAILED IT FRIDAY!!!!!!!" I didn't say I was going to go to family court if it was late, just that I needed to know what was going on. It is not like he the most reliable human being. I should be the one yelling at him on a daily basis. Yet, he is the one with a chip on his shoulder. I figured filing and going through the divorce was statement enough on my side. He can hate my guts, but we will be in contact for life because of our son. So, why not vent behind the scenes and pretend to get along. It makes life so much easier.

I agree with you totally about venting. He has some serious issues he needs to get over.

smshy,

where are all our friends today? It is like you and I are here all by ourselves. You are great company, but I'm a little lonely. By the way, do you have a picture on the share picture thread?

Ali

alim, i do have a picture on the share picture thread. I am going to post a new one first thing tomorrow morning. But Binarian was kind enough to post a kind-of old one for me.

our friends are all gone! just kidding. Let's see, Dali is having surgery today and well, I dont know where everyone else is. But you are right, where is everyone?

I saw that, but couldn't figur out if he was joking. He is he all right?