Ok, so I vented a bit on paulj's thread.

My son is now six weeks. When I was two months preg, my now ex decided he didn't want anything to do with it. But we kept things friendly after he decided he did want to be part of the child's life. Of course, I encouraged it.

He stayed in my room at the hospital (which was kind of wierd). Mind you, after our split, I decided to move in with my mother so I could finish my degree, take care of the baby, and work until I graduated. Anyway, after the birth he spent countless nights on my mom's couch, and countless full days at my mom's house. But it was becoming too much. So we started limiting it, but not by much. Also, he isn't able to do anything on his own. Nothing. He can't change a diaper, feed him, bath him, soothe him when he cries, etc. He kind of expects everyone else to do it as well as serve him. But also refuses to take responsibility for not learning to do these things after being shown countless times.

Looking back, I realize that I enabled him to be way too involved in my personal life and the lives of my family. (I have a big, close family who all live in the area).

So a couple of weeks ago he spent the night on my couch. Later, my friend and I went to his house with the baby. When I got there it was the first time I had been there in several months. He had destroyed a few of my possesions and purchased two huge plasmas. (Mind you, he cries poor when it comes to me and the baby). I got angry, had my friend remove the baby, and we argued. So then we left.

I apologized for my anger and he accepted it and said he understood. He came for a visit but the baby was asleep. So I made dinner. During this dinner he let me know he retained a lawyer but wouldn't give me straight answers why.

He made threatening statements that could have had DSS involved (and were unfounded.) After ten days of this "drama" he finally told me that he did it because he wants to make sure I never end a visit with his son again. So I had to come up with over 2 grand for my own lawyer. There I found out that the visitations I was giving him were unheard of (spending nights and all day). And that he is not paying nearly enough in child support.

The problem is that for him to take our son alone is not possible. He has no family here and no support system. He also admitted that he cannot take care of the baby alone. But is using blackmail by saying that he can take the baby for a weekend visit at his house but I should be available to help him. But I don't think it's my responsibility. If he can't take care of him, then he shouldn't be taking him. But he said if I cared about the baby, I would do it.

Also, I'm angry because he is focusing on the times I've limited his visits, but not all the times he spent all day or night or weekends here. He also made legal requests that we have a third party person involved at our visits, and that person would be of his choosing. Which means a complete stranger in my home who thinks I'm nuts, but has no clue how much I've given to my ex. For goodness sake, he was just eating dinner with my family and I at my sisters days before he got the lawyer. And I'm finding myself deffending myself as a mom, when all I do is sacrafice and work hard for the little guy!

Finally, I decided to let him have a visit this week and decided not to interact with him. I just did chores and became available to him when he needed help with our son. I kept it simple.

Today, he came up again. I figured I would use the same tactic. But when the baby went down for a nap, he insisted on following me around the house and making comments that ultimatly put me in tears and made me have to end the visit. Now he's saying that he is going back to the lawyer to report another visit I ended. But my view point is that he got his visit, but can't verbally abuse me in my own home and expect me to take it.

So now I have no clue what to do. I don't want a big, expensive, court issue. I never did. I'm resentful because the more I give and the more my family gives, the more he takes advantage. I tried to stay away from him, but he literally followed me around while I was trying to clean the house. I just don't know what to do. He is making life so much harder than it needs to be. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Chris

You're right, Chris. He is taking advantage of you, and your family, and your caring nature. I agree with Thor - the visitations at your place in which he can interfere with your daily life need to stop.

It's reasonable for him to have the expectation that he should be able to spend time with his child, and that you don't get to cut the visits short.

It's unreasonable for him to believe that you need to remain as an "on call" support to him during that time. As you stated, he's being taught how to care for your child, so he should be becoming more independent. As it is, it is much more convenient for him to continue to take advantage of you and your generosity when he needs help.

His suggestion that "if you cared about the baby, you would do it" is blatant guilt-tripping. Do not buy into it. Tell him that if he cared about his baby, he would be educating himself on how to be a father. Most of us parents had to "figure it out" for ourselves one way or another, by reading books, talking to pediatricians, or simply by spending time with our babies.

If he truly is incapable of caring for the baby, then it's my belief that he should not be taking the baby at all.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Being a new mommy to a 6-week old infant is hard enough as it is. But keep a lawyer on hand. I know it's expensive (I finally made the last payments to my lawyer 1.5 years after my divorce was final) but you need some legal support here.

Thank you for the legal info and the advice.

An excellent point has been brought up. The way things have been, it was like we were still a couple, which we are absolutly not. This obviously created confused boundaries.

As far as cutting visits short, I'm not sure I should even use those words. Because thinking about it, he was only asked to leave after being here for several hours (or days). There were two times (I think) that he did spend time with our son but then became emotionally abusive and I had to have him leave.

I didn't want to use the term "emotionally abusive" because I didn't want to think of myself as any kind of "victim". But now, after some advisement, his behavior is just that.

I won't get into details, but he's been using a lot of threats, blame, blackmail, etc.

But I do realize that it's my job to put an end to it. I have encouraged him to be a part of the baby's life, even when he wasn't sure he wanted to. That is, for the child. I guess I made some huge mistakes by not finding out visitation rights a long time ago and doing a lot of enabling. I also think I (and my family) felt sorry for him. His family is not here and he has no involvement with friends. So we did invite him to spend time within the family. But now I realize why he has no relationships/friends around.

I'm also not exaggerating when I say that he can't take care of the baby. (i.e. if the baby was crying he didn't do anything about it. So an example was once I took the baby and checked his diaper. He was soaked. So I said to my ex, "can't you see he is soaked?" He said no. "I said, well then can't you smell it?" He said he can't. "Feel it?" No. So I handed him the diaper and told him to feel the weight of it, still he said he just can't tell when the baby needs to be changed. The examples go from small to serious (he's hurt the baby by accident, I came into the room, and he was just sitting there doing nothing. So I had to check the baby over and soothe the baby.)

So if it goes to court, then I'm going to have to toughen up. Because he can't take care of our son alone (he's admitted it, and there are plenty of witnesses). But at the same time, I can't have him in my personal life anymore.

It's not my responsibility, you are right, to be on call if he wants the baby.

At this point, I've been advised that his interest really isn't in being a dad. But he is using the child as a pon. The more limits I put on him (which are reasonable, and according to the law and lawyer in regards to his visits and rights) the worse he gets. Literally, one day the calls started at 930 and didn't end until 10 that night when I finally told him I would charge him with harrassment. (It wasn't his visit day).


So do I want to see my child sitting in some social center and that is how he is going to know his dad. Absolutly not. It's really sad. But I have to be strong. I have to stop deffending myself to him (I work hard and take great care of my son) and stop trying to rationalize with someone like this.

Also, I'm way too busy to keep going like this. I have my son, first and foremost. I have my own work/school to do. I have my friends and family and a household to take care of. I also have my grandfather moving in who is almost blind and needs help. I don't have time or the emotional will to keep going this way.

So to the lawyers I go (again).

thanks!

I am not sure what the laws are in your state but where I am from my lawyer says my husband will not get overnight visits with the kids until they are school age,Personally I think you need to have a long talk with your lawyer and find out exactly where you stand so he will quit intimidating you.

Thanks graybug. From my understanding, atleast here, it's up to the circumstances. But at this point, it doesn't matter. Clearly by dragging lawyers in to it as a way to intimidate me only back fired on him. Now he's just dissapeared.

Here in Michigan they start over nights day one if you allow it most of the time by 6 months the courts will make weekends happen... they dont look out for the best interest of the children here

Hope your state looks out for the childs best interest better
I suggest you call your local court house and ask whom you speak with regarding parenting time... I have never heard of someone coming to the others house for their visitation time unless it is agreed upon by both parties

I went through a two year divorce and fired my attorney after 8 months and $11,000 and did the rest ( the real work) my self ... do some research and you may not need a lawyer you might be able to do it yourself

Best of Luck... Pray hard and often