Where to begin..ok I'm 17. (But don't give up reading here..this isn't some teen angst in writing, at least I don't think it is.) I have a three-year-old daughter whose mother is useless and left years ago. So since I was 14 years old, I've been raising my daughter "by myself". I put "by myself" in quotes because my two best friends Hallie and Chase have helped me so much..they're my daughter's godparents, she calls them "Uncky Chase" and "Auntie Hallie"..I cannot thank them enough for all that they've done. The three of us have been best friends since we were in diapers. Me and Hallie..well, we began to "like" each other at the beginning of last summer. We finally started going out, and in all honesty, I've never been happier than at that time. Hallie didn't come with all the drama of my past girlfriends and she wasn't just a hook-up..I really loved her. She knew me better than anyone. She'd been there since the beginning. Amaya called her "Mama" a few times. We talked about moving in together once we saved up some money..

But that was during the summer. She was going to college in the fall, to Harvard, no less (she's always been a genius). It's been her dream since she was born to become a lawyer and it was finally happening! She received the acceptance letter that summer and I was really happy for her. I knew from the moment I became a single father that there would be no college for me, and that my friends would move on and I'd be left behind. I've prepared myself for that, so I wasn't terribly upset. I figured Hallie would visit on weekends and on vacations and eventually I'd move down there, close to campus, and we'd share an apartment or something.

Then, about two weeks before her classes started, Hallie told me she wasn't going to college. She was going to stay with me in Maine. We argued a little and then dropped it. I figured she was just bluffing and didn't take her claim too seriously. There was no way she'd give up that dream. But a few days later she brought it up again. We got into a huge fight and I ended up breaking up with her..see, I don't want to hold my friends/girlfriends back, and I have. I've already held Hallie back so much. I don't want to tie my friends down, because THEY don't have a child, I do, and they shouldn't be responsible for my child. I know Hallie doesn't FEEL responsible..she wanted to stay because she loves me and loves my daughter..but I could never live with myself if I'd let her stay and give up on her future.

So needless to say, I became depressed. If it wasn't for my daughter, I wouldn't even get out of bed in the morning. I'd been so happy and all of a sudden, I hit rock bottom. I was miserable and I didn't know what to do with myself.
And then my ex Kaylin called me up..she lives in Vermont (where I used to live). She told me that her son Todd really missed Amaya (the two had always been close, since I've dated Kaylin off and on since I was twelve) and I said ok. So Kaylin came up and one thing led to another..we hooked up in the end, for stupid reasons. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't. I just felt worse because I was in love with Hallie and hooking up with another girl..
Word got back to Hallie of what had happened and she was angry. Actually, that's an understatement. Basically she told me to drop dead and never talk to her again. I haven't really talked to her since..just casually online and a couple times over the phone, but she refuses to talk about our breakup and the whole thing with Kaylin.

Ok, what all this boils down to is that I want to be with Hallie. It's what's best for me and my daughter (my daughter's crazy about her..Hallie's the closest thing she's ever known to a mother). But I've broken Hallie's trust more than once and I don't know if she'll ever accept my apologies. I want to write her an email but I don't know what good it will do..agh, I hate this. I needed to get all of that out. I can't vent to my other best friend Chase (currently I'm living with him and his mom) because he's best friends with Hallie, too, and I know he's on her side in this. Well, I'M on her side in this, come to think of it.

For those of you who read my extremely long rant, thanks. And any little scrap of advice--even if it's just "shut up and quit whining"--would be appreciated.

-Ryan

Shut Up, Quit Whining, and WRITE TO HER! Profess your love and all the emotions you have for her. Tell her you will be there when she returns or move to her when she's working at a lawfirm in Boston. Just let her know you screwed up and why and how you feel. It isn't too late, clearly she cares for you or she wouldn't have that anger about this.

What good is doing nothing about it achieving?
You are dragging Chase and his mother into the drama you are creating.
You screwed up, try to mend the damage.
Will it work? ... I don't know, but I can be pretty darn sure doing nothing will achieve nothing.

She sounds like a very special person, and so do you Mr Ryan. I wish you both luck.

I just sent Hallie an email so i decided to post it here:


Dear Hallie,
I love you. I know you that's not necessarily what you wanna hear right now, but it's true. I miss you. Amaya misses you too..the other day she asked me where "Mama Hawee" went. Look, I want to tell you how freaking SORRY I am. I know you don't believe half off my apologies, but I truly am sorry. I'm trying to get over you so that both of us can move on, but I don't think it's possible. I think about you all the time. I miss all those times we had, even the really little ones, like me you and Maya sitting on the couch, watching Dora the Explorer, all snuggled up together. Or going to the beach and you and Maya burying me up to my neck in sand. You've been there for me since Day One and you know it..you were there at my fifth birthday when my dad wound up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning. You were there when Tim killed himself and I really needed someone. You were there when Amaya was born. You were there when I almost followed in Tim's footsteps. You were more than my girlfriend..you were my best friend first. I know I've messed all that up now. Ok listen I didn't WANT to break up with you. I just felt that I had to. Trust me, it's not been a bed of roses since. And that whole thing with Kaylin..I regret that so much. It wasn't an attack against you AT ALL. It was something stupid and sometimes I realize that I'm only 17, not 40-something (which is how I feel).....I know there are no excuses for what I did and I'm not trying to make any. I'm not trying to minimize what I did cuz I know how I'd feel if the situation was reversed....basically I'm writing this email to tell you how I really feel and I hope you can forgive me, or at least consider forgiving me.
Love
RyanXOXO
PS I really want to get together on Halloween. Maya's going as a bunny and it would mean a whole lot to us if you would come. Not as boyfriend-girlfriend..but just as friends. I want to be your friend more than anything, Hal.

Now, Copy that post you made up there, the first one, send it along with a note beginning before it saying something like "This will explain more why I felt I had to break up with you." (You didn't explain any of that and she may not have a clue as to why, even if you told her way back, let her read it again.)

You can explain that you are on a site for single parents and were getting some support for you and Amaya.... you decided to share this with us too as it is weighing heavily on your mind.

Well I don't know, because if she came here and found you posting your emails maybe she wouldn't be happy? But I do think she needs to read/hear the words the way you wrote them in that first post.

Mr.Ryan May I first say I am pleased to meet you.You are one very special person.To take all of this responsiblity on wow you have amazed me.Your daughter is beautiful and lucky to have a great dad.I would send the post with the email.It is very emotional,compassionate and from your heart.It must be very hard to deal with all of the obstacles life has thrown you.Bravo for stepping up to the plate.My son is 17 yrs old and his live in girlfriend is 18 Yrs old.They found out they were pregnant last month,so they did mushrooms and coke till they lost the baby.He is currently living with his father.So I cant tell you how much it means to me to see someone in your shoes and making it.I had offered the 2 oof them support,and if they quit the drugs and drinking a home.The opertunity to finish school and free babysitting.Sorry taking to some one your age who has done this makes me realize how really screwed up my oldest is.But good luck with Halle and please show her your post as well take care of you and your Daughter hugs Gail

I know it's hard to do the right thing when there are so many feelings involved, but you should be proud of yourself! You have to really love this girl to tell her what she needs to do instead of what she wants to hear. School in any way is the key for building a better life! If you and her are meant to be together it will be and if she gets her law firm and the whole nine yards, you and her could really start building your lives around each other. If you were a family, once she is settled in her career, you could go back to school yourself and then you could start the life for your daughter that you wish you a begun with! Hang in there. Like I said if its meant to be it will be!

I hope Hallie forgives u!! We all make mistakes and i can tell that u r truly sorry for what you did.. so i really hope that she takes u back. Maybe if she doesnt forgive you now, you should give her time and space, and then possibly in the future you two could get back together. If not, then just think about it this way, it isnt Gods will and God has something better planned for you. I can tell just by reading ure posts that God has already worked in soo many ways in your life (even if you dont realize it), and I know that He will continue to work in your life. I dont really know what youre beliefs are.. but I will pray for you, Hallie, and Amaya. Hope you feel better soon and remember- lifes too short to be depressed! So be happy! Look at all the good things that are happening in your life instead of concentrating on whats going wrong. I know it must be really hard though... theres nothing worse than a broken heart.. but in the end.. whether you get back together with Hallie or not, you will come out of this situation stronger. You mentioned that you cant talk to your friend Chase about all of this, if you want, you can IM me anytime you want and let out your anger, sadness, problems, or whatever else.

-Morgan

P.S. you mentioned that youre only 17 but feel like your 40.. thats exactly how i feel too lol. and i agree with everyone else about sending Hallie your first post.

Thanks everyone..and yes I sent Hallie the post as well. She's just sent me her reply and even though it's disappointing I thought I'd post it anyway.


dear ryan
god this is so hard for me...ok i love u too and u know that...but how can i be with someone who doesnt even know what he wants? u say u love me but did u say it to kaylin too? ur not the type to sleep with someone if u dont love them ryan. u outgrew that, or at least u led me to believe that u did. it breaks my heart to hear that amaya misses me...u have to tell her that i miss her too and that ill visit soon. ill call to talk to her sometime within the next week. i dont know about halloween yet...everythings been so hectic and ive been so busy but if i can get free that day, ill come up....i need time ry more than anything. i said some things i didnt mean to u and so did u but im mad and i have every right to be.
ill be in touch
x's and o's
hallie<3


*sighs* Well, what did I expect? At least now I've made myself look like a rambling nutcase. So there's always a bright side. :badday:
I would call in sick to work today but I can't even afford to do that. Aghh. This sucks.

It may not be what you wanted to hear but she did say she needed time so it wasnt an absolute "forget it man". If you want to be with her and you love her than all you can do is give her the time she needs to forgive you. I hope everything works out for you as you do sound like a great guy and pretty mature for your age. It is fantastic to see someone as young as yourself take on the responsibility of your child and it is pretty apparent that you love her with everything you have. She is a beautiful little girl....Hang in there

^^Thank you. And I'm still hanging, but just barely.

I think it sounds hopeful. She was hurt but sounds like she's willing to think this over and heck, if she can get free she's willing to come up, Open Window for you right there! Make it special and be honest!

Ryan.
She is in pain.
and she is trying to get a handle on that.
She most certainly did not cut you off or away.
She is trying to cope.
Let her, give her that.

You are comunicating and that is great.
Hang in there

Sounds to me like she still loves you also. However, there's a trust issue, so it's going to take some time to regain her trust again. If you TRULY love her...give her the time she's asking for and it's very possible she'll give you another chance. If not, just move on...it wasn't meant to be. You sound really mature and responsible for a 17 year old, so keep focusing on your daughter (afterall she's your priority right now) and everything else will happen in time.