Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Ex's Ex still needs me but doesn't love me|
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Board Member |
hello to all i'm new to this site was just looking around and found this place so i thought it would help out......
I've been offically divorced for 3 months but been separated for almost a year and a half now i have a little boy who is everything to me,so is my ex still.....I care for her very much i guess cause in large part i pushed her away but thats a different story I keep finding myself doing everything for her in her time of need when it comes to money,support,and compation when she needs it but when the tables turn and i need her there she reminds me constantly that shes not with me and doesn't love me but when the going get tough i'm the first phone call she makes |
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Wow...it sounds like your ex is quite selfish and manipulative. What do you mean that you pushed her away?
I know there are some people in Texas here. Texas is a big state though, so I dunno how close they are to you. Stick around and you're sure to meet some people. And welcome! Later, Bobby |
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I am New to SFV |
she's just using you..... quit being a doormat.... you should listen to a song called she let herself go, but take it in the male counterpart form.
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Board Beacon Parent |
My ex has the habit of getting me to the point where I begin to hate her and never want anything to do with her again. Then she calls up and talks to me like she is the person she used to be. Often there is no real reason for the call either other than just idle talk. I've come to see the cycle but I know the old her isn't really there anymore.
She's not trying to manipulate me but it's a tough thing to go through. |
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"I need more COWBELL!" Board Blazen Parent |
Hi Still Trying and
 I'm from Dallas, Texas. Kinda far but I am a Texas gal and know how we can be. Well some of us. She is using you. I know you love her and want to be able to help her but it's gotta be a two way street. Trust me. My ex left me and told me now i'm still gonna need you to help me sometimes blah blah blah can you help me pay my rent blah blah blah....and I did it. But when I needed him never there and still to this day while i am carrying his child....not here. Your probably thinking this will get her back because that is what i thought but it won't and you will only be hurting in the long run. Stand up for yourself and tell her NO.Coming Soon......   See the resemblence? She's a rocker chick too  "I'm fine and dandy with the me inside." http://www.myspace.com/jennchizzy  |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
I went through a little bit of this when my husband and I divorced, trying here and there to stay involved (on both parts, partially because of guilt I think)and then not speaking again when we were reminded of why we split up. I've learned that the phases of a divorce are like a rollercoaster, you're up and down back and forth and around again, and it can make you sick. And because we go between the pain of our marriage ending to the anger and even days when we might not want to accept it again, all those emotions contribute to the way we treat eachother on any given day. That's definately the way it was with us. And when you add children to the mix, it's that much more difficult because now you
have to communicate, regardless. It seems it would help if you tried to limit your involvement with her to what relates to your son only, and nothing more. Remind her that those extra things came with being her husband, which you no longer are. I know this will probably be hard since your divorce is still so new and because of how much you still care for her, but there are ways to say things without putting someone on the defense where the person has no choice but to accept it and know that you're right. After enough time has passed with things being this way, she'll probably gain the clarity of mind to stop being so sporadic. There's a lot of adjusting and readjusting after divorce, hopefully this will help make dealing with this part a little easier. |
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Board Member |
Well for awhile after i lost my job she decided to start workign again after we had our son and daycare at that time wasn't an option we couldn't afford it nor could we find anyone we could trust to leave our baby with if we both wanted to work so she ended up getting a good bank job and i sat at home doing the Mr. Mom thing so she wanted to be at home i couldn't find a good paying job and i became real lazy and comfertable and then went back to school for a year so she was doing everything and i guess i pushed on her to much and she got real distant plus she was having this fallin out coming back thing with her mom and i nevered like her mom because of her nature she never liked me because of my backround so that pushed her away more cause she would go off and be with her and leave us alone so one night big fight next day she moved out then we haven't been together since......but we had a one night thing a few months back that she says was a mistake but if it was then it should have never happened....... but her family are the type of people that will be there til it gets old then its ok see ya and thats not how i grew up i always had family and friends no matter what so naturlly i was always there for her no matter how bad it got and i guess she's not used to having that and it was to much for her......and she knows she can't do it alone and i hate being on the outside seeing her put herself through this when i know i should just let her fall |
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Board Member |
Yeah i know, when she was riding high with everyone behind her she was on top of the world but i told her it would all come crashing down on her and it did and where did she turn when there was nothing else?......and the only reason i did it was for my son i love him so much i dont want him growning up thinking i didn't try hard enough....... and i went through my hate faze and i didnt like being that person cause it was like i was doing things to get back at her to make her hurt and i didn't want that cause deep down i still have alot of feelings for her and i know she's using that...... |
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Board Member |
I've sat her down on many times and explained to her that i can't always be there to rescue her if we weren't going to get back together and she would tell me she is grateful i am a great dad and a good person to help her and how she doesn't deserve me and i should move on and find someone who will take care of me but how can i do it when i care for her so much and everyday i see my son and he reminds me of her and us......i dont know what to do and the only thing i ever hear is move on let her go |
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Parent on Board |
my ex is the same way - no compassion whatsoever when I need something from him, but when he wants something (to get laid) he loves me, needs me, always has always will....
 i don't have any advice for you except to be firm and consistent with her. Treat her like a child, set boundaries that are reasonable and stick to your guns. And NO COFFEE(!!!!) with her. that just screws everything up. |
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Board Member |
I wish i could say i know what feels like but i dont my ex had a bad week one time when we had our one nighter and it was after her mom moved out and her car got taken away i had my son that day and was taking him back to her and she found out that her grandfather on her mom's side who she really didn't even know that well passed way and i decided to be there to watch my son kinda make sure she was ok and one thing lead to another and......you know......she was scared thinking i tried to get her pregnant and then she told me it was a big mistake but during i asked her if it was what she wanted and she never said no, and i never thought i would be there again |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Still trying- Believe me, I know how you feel. You know, by listening to her comments to you I see she's feeling a little conflicted inside too- a perfect example of what I meant by the "back & forth." I don't know the whole story of exactly why you two broke up or how long you were together (sorry, I didn't have a chance to read all the posts if you mentioned it) but those two factors have a lot to do with things when you still feel the way you do now. People divorce for many different reasons and I've learned both from experience and from other friend's relationships that if you truly loved that person, going through the motions of divorce isn't going to automatically just erase that. I remember in your first post you said you had guilt because you weren't always there for her and in another you mentioned your ex-wife said she doesn't deserve you. I know "the middle part" between these two statements is what led to you both being apart, but I think that if there's a willingness on both your sides to maybe have a "serious talk," that it may actually be a good thing to reaffirm
whether or not both your decisions to move on were for the best. I don't want to give you any false hope or lead you in the wrong direction, but you know your ex best where we do not, and each couple has their own history and story. Basically, you can look at this in two ways- If your relationship was not built on the best foundation and you both were more unhappy and detached and angry with eachother than you were otherwise, and one or both of you knows you can never make the changes the other needs to make it work, I would decide to really let it go. If this is your situation then just know that how you feel is normal but WILL lighten after time. If you two believe that you had a love that you thought was the closest to or was your ideal before all of life's "circumstances" hit- whatever that was for you- and you see you'd do things differently this time after what you've learned by going through this- if you both still feel this way- then you only have something to gain by sharing these feelings with eachother. One of the most tragic things with love to me is when people are left with the "if only's." If only I'd have done this or said that or realized then what I realize now then maybe things would be different. If you try and afterwards find that you did everything you could and she doesn't feel the same, then you can at least rid yourself of all the "what ifs" and truly move on. Look at the core of your relationship- from both sides. That alone will open your eyes on whether you should either invest in trying to change things, or stay where you are and heal. I wish the best for you. A final thing that may ease your mind, remember that if you two are meant to be, then you're going to be. I used to think that was a simple cliche, but now I look at it in a different way. If you're meant to be, a "force" is not what's going to reunite you. The ACTIONS on both your parts- simply because NEITHER ONE OF YOU really wants this- are what will bring you back together. If this is how two people feel, then it can't NOT happen. |
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Board Member |
yes.....i know exactly what you're saying the only thing that gives me the maybe not is how she wants to be on her own she wants to do things by herself since i wasn't workign for so long i guess she found out she didnt need me anymore if i wasn't taking care of her.....plus our communication got real bad as our time went on we were together for pretty much 4 years when i say together i mean together we never spent more than a week total apart......we did everything together then she just started to become real distant i thought she was cheating on me but she wasn't she just wanted her time with her mom and the very few friends that she had which is understandable considering she was doing everything for my son and i now with all my time alone i see why she thought she didnt need me and lose feeling me for because i did become real lazy.....i didnt like who i had become either so........but she tells me too much that she doesn't want it right now with anyone but its the thought of losing this person who i care so much about to someone else is like losing her all over again......
She knows how much i love her and our son and i would never say no or ever not be there for either of them but i just hate being in a spot where i'm trying so hard to make her see that i've changed that its all for nothing in the end......cause no thats she's gone everything doesn't have a purpose cause i went back to school no make my life better to be a good father and husband for them both and i've lost her there's a huge hole....soemthing is missing,and everyone always tells me to put my son in her place.......i already love my son i've always put him and her on top of everything else if they couldn't be with me i never wanted to do it alone......and i love him with all my heart i will always be there for him but my love for him is different than my love for her and i'm missing having her there with me and being there, being my reason for doing good........ |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
You know your situation sounds a lot like mine was, though we were together since high school and also had a really strong and great relationship. But unlike you, my ex started to change once we had our girls, and it later came out that he had resentments from having this "family" to take care of, and all of the responsibilities that came along with it were more than he could handle. He never said these things in words though he distanced himself and detached himself until it was finally too late. One thing I wanted to ask you about your wife- was was there a point where she came to you- maybe even repeatedly- trying to get you to reconnect with her and help her out- since you say you did become real lazy, and was it after this that she seemed to begin spending all her time with her friends and family? Because if so, maybe she went into "protective mode" as I call it, where she decided that she believed things weren't going to change and therefore began the emotional process of starting to let you go. This is what I did with my ex- for a few years actually- of trying to make him see we shouldn't be part of the "negative" in his life and that it was both of us who were sharing everything together and were new parents together etc., but he basically agreed with words and continued with the same actions. Now I can't even explain how much I loved this man, being with him for so long and having this history I didn't want to throw away. But the repeated pain of his rejection for all that time made me finally build up a wall of resentment that once he came out of "his own fog" and realized he was really losing me, he couldn't get through again. And he spent a good 3 years (as I had) trying to make up for what he'd done. But even though I still loved him, I couldn't get past all the anger of his timing- finally coming around once I had finally become strong enough to let him go- and for us it couldn't be repaired. But this is why we both had so much guilt over the marriage ending, and this is why we'd go "back and forth" as you'd mentioned earlier. I don't know if this is what your ex-wife is going through, but all I can say if it is some form of this is to just let her be for now. If you've already explained and apologized for your part in not being there and you know she "gets it," you don't want to push it because it may only send her further away in the other direction. Just continue to take care of your son, don't give her any new reasons to argue with you anymore, and most importantly, want to get yourself together for you. You have no idea what may happen later, (we almost got back together twice after our divorce but that's another long story
and believe me, life has ways of surprising us when we don't expect it. I know you feel like she was your reason for everything and now is the most difficult time, but you have to remember what led to this and continue to build yourself up for yourself and your son. Life is all about timing, and at this time it sounds like she needs things the way they are, but trust that she will notice the real man that you are inside if you keep yourself strong, continue to be a great dad, and leave the past problems alone. Working on yourself might be about her at first, but you'll get to that point where you'll feel stronger and want to be doing this for you. |
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