Ok..i'm really not sure why i'm thinking about this so much lately. I figured if I got it "out there" maybe it will go away. This is not about my most recent Ex (Jewel's dad). It goes much further back than that. When I was a young, fresh 20 year old, I was engaged to a man. We lived together in an upper middle class city and I basically had it made. I was responsible for paying all of my own personal bills (credit cards and car) and groceries. Occassionally, the cable bill. He handled the rest. My parents caused a lot of grief and friction in this relationship because of...world series tickets... Joe (the ex) lucked out and got his hands on several tickets for the 1995 World Series. Originally, we were going to GIVE some to my parents. Until, a friend of his mother's offered us $200 per ticket. Now, we also had a broken drain tile in our basement that caused us a lot of grief. Everytime it rained, Joe missed a day of work due to bailing water out of our basement and cleaning up. He was tired of doing this and it cost us a day's pay everytime it happened. He had this great idea that we'd sell the tickets and use the money to pay a contractor to fix the problem. I knew it would hurt my parents' feelings, but figured they would understand that this was a good idea for a young, struggling couple with a big home repair. Not! They held it against Joe claiming he was selfish and money hungry, thus causing issues in our relationship. A year later and two months before our wedding I found out he cheated on me. After a huge fight and the both of us agreeing the wedding was off, I packed up my stuff and arranged to move out. That day, before I packed up my car, he stopped me and begged me to stay and work things out. I was young and much too rightous to do that. Now, so many years later, I am questioning this. What if I did go back into the house and begin to unpack instead of getting in my car and driving away? Would I be happier and in a better position? Of course I wouldn't have Jewel, and I love her dearly, but that aside...would things have turned out better for me? Joe is now married with children so this possiblity is now out of my reach, but is THIS where I made the wrong turn? And why am I thinking about this so much now...years later? I even had a dream about him.

Does anyone else have a point in their life where they question the path they chose to take?

Wow, this one stir up some memories... when I was in high school I had a best friend, Sean. I had secretly had a crush on him for a couple of years, but never wanted to say anything because I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. Two months before graduating he tells me that his mom is moving his family up to Portland. I was never so heartbroken in my life (I even had a boyfriend at this time too). Those last couple of months we spent so much time together, and discovered that he had a crush on me too and never said anything to me for the same reasons. And now that he was moving, what were we going to do? He was a year younger than me, so he still had one more year of high school left, and there was no way his mom was going to let him stay. The night before they took off, we were together. I don't remember crying so hard and so much in my life, and the fact that he was in tears too definitely didn't help. When he left, my whole world fell apart. We talked all of the time, through email and on the phone. I really missed him, and it took a toll. I really started partying and just kind of floating through life. Several years passed, and we still loved each other. He and I had relationships come and go. Eventually I got engaged. Sean had called and said he was coming down to visit. I was so excited but a little nervous at the same time. My fiance was a VERY jealous person, didn't like Sean for the mere fact of how "highly" I spoke of him and was angry. but this guy had been my best friend for years at this point and I wasn't going to pass up an opportunity to visit with him. Sean came down and the whole thing was a disaster. I was so much more concerned about making sure that my fiance didn't say anything hurtful and making sure he knew I wasn't going anywhere that I didn't make any time to spend with Sean. That night changed Sean's and my relationship forever. He left early the next morning without even saying goodbye. I think he did leave a note but I was heartbroken. And angry with myself... how could I do this to someone I really truly loved? After wards we got into a huge fight and Sean told me some things that I knew were true but didn't want to believe myself (My fiance was pretty abusive and Sean was so angry that I would keep myself in that situation). We stopped talking for over a year. A lot of things changed in my world. I called off my wedding, left my fiance, came back a few months later and tried to work things out. We eventually got married which was the biggest mistake in my life. Sean had managed to track me down though and we ended up talking things through, but it was never the same. He informed me that he was in a new band that was doing pretty well and they were coming for one night to play out in LA. And so I went. It was so great to see him and all of these emotions came flooding back. After the band performed he and I had a chance to sit down and catch up before they had to leave. It was here he informed me that he had a new girlfriend. I told him how happy I was for him. And I really was. But I was so sad. I left that night and cried all of the way home.

That night in LA changed my whole life. Seeing Sean made me realize that I was just doing things to make people happy and not doing things to make ME happy. A week later I was also diagnosed with Grave's Disease, and was put out of work for a month. My husband was not happy. I decided that I didn't care anymore. I took my life into my own hands and left him for good. It has been a year and half now and I could not be happier. And now I am becoming a mom! (not with my ex, thank goodness).

As for Sean? I miss him every single day. I am convinced that he is the love of my life. It's been about a year since we last spoke, but I know that he is still with his girlfriend and I know that they are extremely happy together. But I missed out. I missed my chance to have this great guy. But I now look forward to focusing on two beautiful babies that I will bringing into the world in a couple of months. And that definitely is the greatest gift of all.

But I will always wonder what could have been.

LOL...my stories like that are already here....somewhere..

Too mushy to dig up again. LOL

awwh man...I almost need a box of tissues here.....maybe i'll share mine a bit later.


But to answer Astarte's question of was it there that she made a wrong turn?

The answer to taht question I believe is NO. It most likely would not have worked out at that time. If you ever reunite...then maybe, but maybe not.

I guess the point I am trying to get at is we often feel that we "missed the boat", but in that moment in time, we make a decision that was best for us then, and it was required for us to grow and learn from.

I'm probably not being clear on this, and obviously not doing a good job at consoling anyone , but our choices are based on our current needs at that precise moment.

I guess sometimes things or events happens for a reason. That's what I choose to think when I start questioning the (past) path I've chose, otherwise I drive myself LOCA!

I don't want to waste the present moment thinking what if? what if? what if? what if? what if? EEEEK!

Ok...so I re-read it...and well..because of "who" it's about...it's worth repeating.

So...here it is.

Ahhhh......Sweet Memories...

Joey and the older regulars ...LOL>...look away.

*okay, grabbing the box of Kleenex"

you dork!!! look what you made me do...



OMG, I don't knwo what to say..

OMG that was the sweetest stories I have ever heard.

YOU???!! LOL ...I was a MESS the night I wrote it...LOL

M, I thought you'd read that before.

No I had not read that one before...I read of your past in your marriage, but not that.

Maybe she is still alive? I know some people who had chemo treatments and lived till they were 80..or so..?

Maybe you will see her again one day.

Humans tend to remember the past as being better than it really was. I'm not so sure the issues between the parents and the latter issues are really that related. A good relationship is based off of how you deal with the rough times. Life is full of rough times. They'll happen weather or not you want them to.

Michail...

That was good...it is true that we tend to see the past as being better..

I wonder if it is because we went through **** afterwards.

Interesting....I'll have to think about that one.

Every time I read a post by you Paul I am either laughing, getting hungry,or crying.Its a great story but even more so you have an amazing way with words. The way you spoke of that girl after that it makes me wish ..there was someone who would speak of me that way,I'm sure most fo the ladies here would agree.

"I remember on my way back through my memories, that they seemed much worse the first time I saw them....."

quote:

"I remember on my way back through my memories, that they seemed much worse the first time I saw them....."

Definietly, which is why I question my choices. Now that i'm older and wiser, I see the situation clearer and much differently.

Anyway, about your story, Paul. You had me choking back tears here at my desk. That is such a sweet story.