I read from time to time one here about what people blame their relationship failures on. I've noticed many of our members here seemed to have been in situations where they were the ones struggling to do everything in the relationship. Perhaps it's just a sign and not one's own failings.

Looking back though, I made so many sacrifices for my wife that it helped drive her away. Since she was a stay at home mom I convinced her to get out and do some things on her own. At first she was worried about me and all the time I was putting in on my own. However, after a while I wound up outside her new clique of friends. Which included her friend "Mr No Responsibilities".

I'm not sure if trying to hard is failing.

Though,....

I've heard persistance is a both a productive and counterproductive trait.


I suppose if there is no way of assessing, measuring, evaluating, and concluding...then perhaps trying too hard would be failing....


like trying to drive a nail in with a banana.

True, so true.

I have a horrible habit of persistence and trying to do it all myself.

I've got something else going on in my life now where I'm deciding if I should stay the course or move on. It's tough for me to give up though.

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've got something else going on in my life now where I'm deciding if I should stay the course or move on. It's tough for me to give up though

ohhhh.... I've had a few of these. I try to remember what my old high school teacher told me about change. If you direct the change and set goals, then you have more control and power to set a course and move towards the direction you're wanting.

If you sit back... then enjoy the ride .... don't complain because all the passengers will be grouchy and the driver may miss the turn and get angry with you.

He was talking about economics, and at the time it didn't make any sense.

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Looking back though, I made so many sacrifices for my wife that it helped drive her away. Since she was a stay at home mom I convinced her to get out and do some things on her own

I don't think marriage follows the driving paradigm. I used to believe if I was a good wife and sacrifice, compromise, and work hard... my marriage would be strong and longlasting.

I think of relationships now... like a game of tennis... except you can change some of the rules. The idea is to keep the ball moving over the net. You can guide the ball close to your partner for an easy return, give it a nice top spin for a little challenge, smash when your partner isn't paying too much attention to me... I mean you.

I wish there was some sort of guarentee... but I guess with love... it comes from hindsight and cherishing the path you walked together through.

quote:

Originally posted by Tessmit:
I'm not sure if trying to hard is failing.

Though,....

I've heard persistance is a both a productive and counterproductive trait.


I suppose if there is no way of assessing, measuring, evaluating, and concluding...then perhaps trying too hard would be failing....


like trying to drive a nail in with a banana.

Ok, were not taking a couple things into consideration here.

First, what are the needs of the nail? Does it want to be driven into something?

Second, that poor banana. How does it feel about being pounded onto a small metallic item, each time ripping into it's flesh. That sounds like torture ...

It's all about communication, if the nail and banana don't discuss their goals, nothing will ever get done.

hmmmmm..... I'm thinking about this theory N4J

I agree communication is important and.... my EH communicated very well verbally, but later in our marriage it wasn't worth a grain of salt.

Good point about the banana. I've seen some relationships where the wife is screaming at her husband... looks like torture. The way she explains this to me is .... her husband has been screaming all day at work, he appreciates her demanding ways when he gets home so he doesn't have to be the one in charge.

I've wanted to respond to this for quite a while. But I am often typing from a laptop using one hand and this is no quickie response.

My marriage broke up because the happy fun man I dated became the violent evil man I married - and he had a girlfriend. Years later, I now see this as my fault. I'll explain....

When we met, I was like the runaway bride. I had been engaged 6 times and always called it off in the end. I was smart, successful, and well respected by all, well liked by most. Someone in town called me the catch of the century. So, I was a challenge.

Mark and I were friends for 2 years. I asked him to set me up with one of his co-workers (funny aside, his response "No wonder you are single Laurie, you pick the only gay cop in Monmouth frickin county - you're single cuz you are an idiot - ha ha ha") When Mark's marriage ended he showed up at my back door. I kinda assessed him like well, he's kinda cute actually - he responded with "why do you think I'm here - get there faster!" So we dated.

He knew before the first kiss that having children was important to me. I made it abundantly clear that it was a deal breaker. So much so that I broke up with him 2 years later saying "I wish it was with you, but I want a family and we are not headed that way, so goodbye." 3 months later he was back with an engagement ring and promises of children.

Well, a funny thing happened once we were married. I was no longer a challenge. He would have a bad day at work and take it out on me. I took it. When we'd argue he'd walk out. I took it. He had open heart surgery and I prayed it would soften his heart - it hardened it even more and I took it. Sickness and health blah blah blah.. He would pick a fight then leave for days at a time - I took it. He was cruel, violent, threatening and I took it.

I kept saying for better or for worse, death do us part. And I took it. I made a vow to God and it was my responsiblity to keep that vow. I was suicidal and took anti-depressants. That meant I took it even more and now it did not bother me as much. The pills made me go from size 6 to size 10 and Mark now introduced me as his "chunky wife" and told me the reason we did not have s3x anymore was that "I made his flesh crawl" and you guessed it, I took it.

I refinanced the inn and closed for a year to help save our marriage because he hated the inn, I bought a house for us to live in off-site. Guess what - he was still miserable - and I still took it. Now instead of having about 1.5 mil in assets I am down to about .5 yea, my million dollar mistake.

Finally I just lost it one night after about 3 or 4 years of this when he called me a dumb cow. I yelled something to the effect of "I have had it. I am your wife. You can not speak to your wife that way." He looked at me and spat out "Once a doormat, always a doormat" and walked out.

Hindsight is one mother of a teacher. I never drew that line in the sand. I just took it thinking it was the right thing. But he lost all respect for me in the process. I lost 100% of my own identity. I was simply Mark's poor beaten down wife. Laurie was no where to be found. It was such a slow gradual descent that I never saw it coming.

Had I stood up for myself things might have been different. It just seemed that he wiped his feet on me until there was a reaction. Once I took it there was no reaction, so he wiped harder. And harder. And harder still. By the time I said No more! It was way too late. No one wants to be married to the doormat. No one stays in love with someone who has no sense of self or self-respect.

So, yea, he became an angry violent man. But in my mind, it was my fault because I took it. I am more upset that my "failure" was in not being true to myself more so than failure in a marriage to an angry man who sadly is sliding deeper and deeper in to his pit of anger and rage and it is consuming the life of what used to be a happy outgoing fun man.

So, an hour later, ha ha, my vote is yes, trying too hard - if you lose your sense of self - is most definitely failing.

Kind of off topic a bit, but my brother had a friend who, when he wanted to fool around with a girl, would start a big hairy fight so he could walk out and do as he pleased. I am not saying this is what was happening, but it sure would make me think hard and long.

quote:

Originally posted by Lurch:
Kind of off topic a bit, but my brother had a friend who, when he wanted to fool around with a girl, would start a big hairy fight so he could walk out and do as he pleased. I am not saying this is what was happening, but it sure would make me think hard and long.

Lurch there is zero doubt in my mind that is exactly what he did. We should get these two princes together...

ECK, the two of them together, two stupid people in the same room would be hard to live with. My big hates in life are cheaters and thieves and liers.

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cheaters and thieves and liers.

oh my!
lions and tigers and bears oh my!
cheaters and thieves and liars oh my!
cheaters and thieves and liars oh my!
an updated Dorothy on the yellow brick road!

yea, I really need to get out more - c'mon Faith, time to wake up now!

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ECK, the two of them together, two stupid people in the same room would be hard to live with. My big hates in life are cheaters and thieves and liers.

Hee Hee..... while the boat is sinking.... they may be figuring out whos going to themselves while they are at the bottom of the sea.


My story is very similar to yours LD . I guess in the end I realized there wasn't anything I could do to save the marriage even though he blamed me for everything including why the sun doesn't shine..... still does.

I know I can't build a future alone in a marriage. i can't live hoping for tomorrow, and I don't want to relive yesterday. I'm living for right now and seeing if there's anyone out there willing to share a smile today.

I'm taking Ilya to the park now... I wonder if I should take the long lead... hmmmmmmmmm I found a good leash where he can't pop off of.... ohhhhh the weather is warming up now and I want to get a bike.

leash? then how will you meet the next hottie?

Hmmm, I wonder if my 16 year old would let me put her on a leash.